i don’t understand what’s wrong with me anymore. i feel so incompetent. I’m failing horribly at school and nothing is going right. i study and study and study but i still fail. I’m never enough. i feel like i’m not good enough or i’m not cut out to be a nurse after all. But it’s stupid because i know that i can be whatever i want because i used to be good at whatever i put my head into. I used to be someone who was smart and who made the right decisions but now i feel like i’m just floating around in this nothingness waiting for something big to happen when i know for sure it won’t.

it doesn’t matter to me that i don’t see you or that i don’t hear from you every single second of every single day. It doesn’t bother me that i’m not the first thing on your mind nor am i the last nor am i in between. It doesn’t make me feel less of a person that we are two complete strangers in a relationship. only because none of these things have fully sunken yet. But i know one day i will and i will want better because we always want what we can’t have and we always want what we do not deserve.

but the last thing i want is to be this sort of conveniency to you because i know what you want and i know what you would do to get it. When my phone rings and it’s you i stop to wonder if it’s a good call or a bad call. usually it’s the latter. You are all the same and i do not want to be your toy. I just want to be loved. loved the way i’ve never been loved. I’m tired of being your toy..

at the school internet cafe where they charge us 25.00 pesos a fucking hour when i could use the internet for FREE at the library if i only had the time to get my id validated. unfortunately, i don’t have the time and will power to do it so yeah, i guess 50.00 is going to be wasted todayy. lol

hhjlfghskjfgh;ljg bored out of my fucking mind.

I NEED A FUCKING BREAK!

… : But what if we get hurt?
… : Then maybe we just don’t fall in love this time.

i haven’t talked to my “boyfriend” today since i texted him in the morning and honestly, it sucks because i’m always the first one to text him. he never looks for me and i’m annoyed. How can you be with someone like that?

my PMS is so bad right now and school is draining. i wish there was just someone i could come home to. someone i could fall into and cry because of the stress or someone i could just look at and be happy to be able to just end a day. ehh… sometimes i wonder why i’m so desperate to fall in love when we all know that i’m better off alone.

i’m pathetic. and mad at the world.

i hate nursing. i hate school. omg, i don’t think i’ve ever been this tired. seriously.

i wake up at 5:30, leave the house by 6:30 start school at 7:30 have lunch at 12 go back at 1 end class at 7 get home at 8 have dinner study at 8:30 sleep at 11. it’s a vicious cycle. where am i going to put my boyfriend???

i saw him yesterday though and it was the best feeling ever. like i went to his place and we just kept telling each other how our day was and what we missed from the days we weren’t together and wrestled and laughed and laughed and laughed. i felt like i was on a natural high or something. i missed him and i miss him now esp. when i’m at school and i can’t text but i’m bored. i guess i like him a lot now. i just really don’t have time for a boyfriend right now so you can imagine how hard it is gyud!

anyways, it’s 11 i’m not done studying so i really need to bounce.

i will try to update soon

remember when we were lying in bed last week and i held you close and told you that i was really starting to like you…

i never want to fall too deep in love or like with you because you’re going to hurt me. and you might just leave.

but i like you. in a great amount.

please stay.

i guess me and mike just had our first fight last night…
actually, our first break up. but then we got back together. Apparently, he’s a compulsive liar so idk wth i’m doing with this guy. but then again, it’s not my opinion of him man gud. it’s other people’s and you know i’m not one to judge. But god, i hope he doesn’t lie to me though. i hate being lied to first of all because i don’t lie.. unless it’s to my mother.

i’m not a slut. If i was a slut, i would be enjoying and basking in every single fucking minute of this. and right now, i wish i was a slut because it’s not fun. It’s not fun at all.