Everyone keeps asking for a miracle. My lolo brought in a bottle of Divine Mercy water from who-knows-where in hopes that it’ll make my lolo better.

I did some fishing on a certain someone’s facebook account and found out that she has been communicating with my dad. Another person to get sympathy from, I suppose.

The thing that irritates me the most about people is how they always want more credit than they actually deserve. They think that the instant they do something good everyone should know and worship the ground they walk on. I would walk all over you if i had the chance too.

i hate everybody.

Dear God,

I don’t like saying prayers in my head because writing it down let’s me think about my prayers more. Which is how I think most prayers should be like- more thought through. So tonight after much delay, I am going to pray to a God I believe in even though I tend to be sceptical at of at times.

First of all, I would like to thank you for all the good things that has come about from this catastrophe. Our family has been brought together and we have learned to seek one another. I guess for me, I learned the value of family and how I shouldn’t wait until it’s too late. When I think about Lolo, I don’t think I regret how I treated him because he knew I love him. I always told him that and in my heart, he is always going to be my chocolate man.

Thank you Lord for giving me a miracle today. I never knew that a simple grasping of a hand could mean so much to me. I never expected that the little things like that would ever matter to me but they do and thank you for that. I know that I’ve been so negative the past few days and most of that is due to my fear of change. I just think that it’s too risky of a time to involve myself in the changing lifestyle, you know? Of course you do.

I hope things get better from here on. I mean, I kinda believe it more than I hope for it. Lolo is strong and he always has been. That’s one thing I know about him. And that kinda makes things a little bit better…

Maybe it’s just me but perhaps the whole world knows exactly when to pick on me. It’s kinda like the Mother Nature feeds on my vulnerability and as if the present situation isn’t a lot for me to handle already, it just gets worse.

At around 3 ‘o clock today, I had experienced my 2^nd anxiety attack after 5 years all because of bad timing (but I like to think it’s a lot more than just that.) You see, of all the times, of all the days and of all the topics we could’ve discussed, today was the day that we ventured into the mystery of everything that has damned our entire family- the almighty stroke.

I knew prior to the class that that was the topic. Yes, I considered skipping the class. Yes, I knew the chances of me breaking down. And yes, I knew for a fact that throughout the entire 5 hours of classroom discussion the only thing I would be able to think about was him and how while I’m learning about what it does to the body [which I already knew] and how to intervene certain nursing actions, all I really wanted to do was be with him and talk to him, hug him and tell him how much I love him and how much I love him more because now I get to take care of him.

I didn’t even last 30 minutes in there. It got to a point where I couldn’t write properly from the shaking and I couldn’t even think or see anything. I got light headed. I even felt kinda numb. In that instance, I even felt something in common with my Lolo because my left side started to feel a little numb. My exact thoughts were, “maybe if I get a stroke, Lolo will get better. I want this.” My voice choked and then I stumbled to hide in the bathroom away from the 80 something classmates who would never really completely understand.

And even though I was standing in a cubicle with an unflushed toilet crying up to my knees, I was kinda happy all that shit was happening to me. You see, I believe that at the end of a really bad day something good that will happen that will overshadow the bad things.

And whether or not something good actually happened, I learned something important from my papa today. Life is only as good as you let it be. It’s how you take the situation and use it to your advantage.

My Lolo held my hand, reached out for it and kept his eyes open for longer than he usually does. That was the best feeling in the world. To have something you didn’t expect happen and that gives me hope…

Maybe it’s just me but perhaps the whole world knows exactly when to pick on me. It’s kinda like the Mother Nature feeds on my vulnerability and as if the present situation isn’t a lot for me to handle already, it just gets worse.

At around 3 ‘o clock today, I had experienced my 2^nd anxiety attack after 5 years all because of bad timing (but I like to think it’s a lot more than just that.) You see, of all the times, of all the days and of all the topics we could’ve discussed, today was the day that we ventured into the mystery of everything that has damned our entire family- the almighty stroke.

I knew prior to the class that that was the topic. Yes, I considered skipping the class. Yes, I knew the chances of me breaking down. And yes, I knew for a fact that throughout the entire 5 hours of classroom discussion the only thing I would be able to think about was him and how while I’m learning about what it does to the body [which I already knew] and how to intervene certain nursing actions, all I really wanted to do was be with him and talk to him, hug him and tell him how much I love him and how much I love him more because now I get to take care of him.

I didn’t even last 30 minutes in there. It got to a point where I couldn’t write properly from the shaking and I couldn’t even think or see anything. I got light headed. I even felt kinda numb. In that instance, I even felt something in common with my Lolo because my left side started to feel a little numb. My exact thoughts were, “maybe if I get a stroke, Lolo will get better. I want this.” My voice choked and then I stumbled to hide in the bathroom away from the 80 something classmates who would never really completely understand.

And even though I was standing in a cubicle with an unflushed toilet crying up to my knees, I was kinda happy all that shit was happening to me. You see, I believe that at the end of a really bad day something good that will happen that will overshadow the bad things.

And whether or not something good actually happened, I learned something important from my papa today. Life is only as good as you let it be. It’s how you take the situation and use it to your advantage.

My Lolo held my hand, reached out for it and kept his eyes open for longer than he usually does. That was the best feeling in the world. To have something you didn’t expect happen and that gives me hope…

Without a doubt Related Learning Experience in the nursing field is the whacked thing ever. I mean, sure, they teach you the basics but what they fail to tell you is the reality.

They don’t tell you that patients WILL resist and almost even kill you for trying to stick a nasogastric tube up your nose.

They don’t tell you that in almost every setting family will be around watching your very move criticizing you for every minute detail.

They don’t tell you that it hurts. That it doesn’t just hurt for the patient but most especially for the people having to watch it.

I just wish that they gave us at least a heads up. I learned the hard way the return demos do not justify the real thing. We might as well be prepared and presented with the reality of such…

There are two of the arguably worst scenarios in the whole world. First is being at an airport having to say good bye to someone you love and second is having someone you love being sent to the hospital. Unfortunately, I happen to be affiliated with the latter..

It always starts the same way, in the middle of a perfect day where you think that nothing bad can possibly happen, your phone rings and sometimes you answer it sometimes you don’t. But once you do, you’re going to end up wishing you never even owned a phone.

And then everything after that is just a big bad blur full of running, crying and trying-to-be-strongs. It just gets so surreal and somewhere in the middle of all the chaos you just stop for a second because you have to pinch yourself to check if it’s all really happening. And when you don’t find yourself waking up to what you hoped to be a bad dream- that’s when you start to hate everything.

You start to turn to God which can either be your only option or your LAST option. You make conditions with him like, “if he gets better I promise to go to church everyday for the rest of my life.” even if we know that promise will be quickly outlived. Or you start blaming Him, questioning Him and even doubting His very existence. Or validating His non-existence, if you’re aboard that boat..

And when you’ve done everything you possibly can to no avail, you start reminiscing the good times and the bad and realize that you would do absolutely anything to have at least just one more day like that. You cry at the fact that no matter how much you would want to do something, in reality there really isn’t anything you can do to instantly make everything OK.

So the next day comes which validates your fears of this tragedy being anything but a bad dream. And you muster every single nerve in your body to pull yourself out of bed and put on a fake smile and let out the coldest laugh.

This is life at it’s finest. No one said it was great. It hardly ever is.

I have dreams of being somewhere far away where no body knows me and what happened in the past does not justify the present. I dream of making a name for myself and being someone I and my family can be proud of. I dream of dreaming bigger than people normally do.. I dream of the impossible.

Yes, I have come to terms with the fact  that maybe my dreams are too big even for such a small girl like me but I could say I’m determined, in my own terms, and I will get there.

Last night I had a wonderful dream about me buying my mother and father their own lot where they were to build their own house… a dream that I’ve been longing to do for the longest time. But the house I dreamt of building was waaaay to vast and magnificent compared to the house that I can actually afford to give them one day if I pursue being a nurse.

I’ve always dreamt of being something more than what I am reaching for maybe an editor-in-chief, a CEO of something or even a fashion designer which has been my dream since I was 3 years old. So I’ve decided to do something about it. Although I’m not so sure I want to endure complete public humiliations through my pathetic attempts so as of now, it’s all a secret. 🙂

wish me luck!

I guess that I’ve been around long enough to know based on first hand experience that you can never really please everybody no matter how much you would want to… But I’m not implying that I’ve ever wanted to. I guess there are instances in the middle of an ordinary day when you find out that you’ve let someone down or hurt them without even having the intention to do so at all. So what do you do?

This time I’m choosing not to care basically because I don’t want to. Apathy has always worked for me anyways and when it comes down to it this is all because of the lack of character. Mine and yours.

whatever. I can’t even think right now.