A Collection of Thoughts, Feelings and Explanations I Probably Don’t Owe Anyone But Myself

Went back and forth on whether I should pursue uploading these OOTD’s from Singapore considering the fact that I had decided to cut ties with the people on this trip shortly after coming home. It might not be the best story to tell but what happened happened and I figured that if you’re not going to hear it from me, you’re going to hear it from someone else, so you might as well hear it from me.

So let’s talk.

In a nutshell, 2016 has been one of the weirdest years in my 26 years of existence. I feel like when the universe gives you something good, it also gives you something bad to keep you grounded and in my case, I definitely got the right mix of both and I don’t even know how I got by. This year was the first time I found myself jobless; almost homeless; boyfriend-less; (and what felt like) friendless and mistakenly family-less and if you’ve never been in this situation, lemme tell you- it f’in sucks! I guess everything in my world was crashing down on me and when you’re in a hole that deep, it’s hard to even be the slightest bit grateful or to recognize a blessing when it’s right there in front of you. Sure, I am exaggerating a tad bit- others definitely still had it worse. But I’ve always been quite sheltered so this was pretty bad.

So I decided to start my life all over again- new place, new-ish job, new boyfriend, new friends and a new perspective on life. I was so ready to just be a completely brand new person and forget everything in the past that ever hurt me and live a life anew. Problem. That’s not what life had intended for me… just yet.

You see, we can have an image of who we want to be or who we want to become in our heads and we can try as hard as we can to be that person but when life says, “no, this isn’t what I want for you just yet”, you must be resilient.

I learned the hard way that you can try your best in something or with someone and still not have it be enough. And as much as I absolutely hate the thought of it, in actuality (and in my case), sometimes it’s not a bad thing. People might not believe in you or see the goodness of your heart, they may judge you instead of get to know you and when you decide that enough is enough- it is OK to pack up your bags and leave. I have no regrets.

Chapters, songs, meals and even life end, sometimes a little bit sooner than you expect but that doesn’t mean that you have failed. Their roles are just done in your life and so is yours in theirs. There really isn’t any use crying over it because if it was meant to last, it really would have. Unfortunately, life just really likes giving us things that hurt us sometimes. pffft. CURSES!! Totally kidding.

My life used to revolve around relationships- boyfriends, friends, family but never with myself. There are so many things that I want to do but I always seem to hold them off because I become dependent on another person. I latch on to them so much that I become them and in the end, I find myself wondering who I really am to begin with. It’s taken a lot of not so sober nights and hard hitting conversations for me to realize this but I’m glad that I did anyways.

So for those who are so emotionally invested on my (love) life, here’s the real deal: I got my heart broken twice this year but you know what they say about heart breaks, it doesn’t just happen once or twice, it is a series of breaking and mending and then breaking again so I probably died 98711351356 times already. OK, I don’t actually know who says that about heart breaks but I felt like it added that dramatic effect so, yeah.

I am ok. I am really ok. So thank you for all the warm wishes!

I don’t prefer talking about my personal life, which is why I am very selective about what I am posting in this blog entry. I hope you all understand that there are still some things that I would prefer to keep to myself and the little I am divulging has taken me a really long time before I actually decided to post this but like I said at the start of this post, I’d rather it come from me than from anyone else.

So as I bring this blog entry to a close, consider this a part of my letting go. I am letting go of all the things that hurt me, of all the things that people have said about me, of  everything that just wasn’t working in my life anymore and everything else.

I am grateful to those who stayed and came back and to everyone who has watched me just stand back, reevaluate my life and allowed me to concentrate on myself. Yesterday I watched a movie alone and it was awesome. Next week I’ll be traveling for work and as soon as I’m done publishing this entry, I’ll be getting ready to attend the Cebu Lit Fest- alone. It’s all very exciting, I tell you. I bought myself a hedgehog named Cotton and I have since them become obsessed with loving this pointy creature. I am enjoying the scent of my room, laundry, cleaning up and just sitting in silence.

So thank you to everyone, to the people I’ve met, to the people I’ve loved, to the person who constantly put up with me- thank you.

Those chapters, parallel dimensions, alter ego’s and weird phases are done now. I’m ready to come back home.

All my love,

Issa P.