Breaking the Silence

i wrote this while i was in camotes. I had a lot of time for myself man gud and i guess the lack of signal was really a downer for me. well, at least i said it all and i’m done with him. i don’t have to feel bad anymore. and i don’t have to push the people i like away cuz i’m not gonna feel bad. scared, yes. really scared but i don’t want francis to have that big of an affect in my life. he’s just a boy, afterall.

Francis,

i honestly don’t know why i’m writing right now, of all the times and out of all the other chances i got. I guess writing this and letting it all out will help keep me sane. Maybe this will help me stop thinking about you and that night and what happened between us.. but especially, what didn’t. I know i’m stupid for not being able to move on until now. I don’t get it either but that’s the truth and you ought to hear it. I told myself that I’d do nothing and that eventually, I would be fine and I’d get over it but I know that deep down, I’m not because it’s still eating me up inside and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t mean to disturb your peace because you’re obviously doing great. I mean, why wouldn’t you? You got what you wanted, right? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you back nor do you and I don’t want to attack you either, if that’s what you think this is about because that’s the last thing this would be about. This is simply about closure abd me trying to get that cuz I don’t feel like I ever did. To be honest, nothing ever feels right anymore. And I’m not saying this to make you feel as bad as I do… I’m just doing this because it just feels like I need to. I’m soo tired of getting hurt and telling myself that someone’ll come and teach me that not everyone’s going to hurt me because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this ride, it’s that the one’s that I think would never dream of hurting me are usually the ones who end up hurting me the most. You are exactly one of those people who make me feel soo small and scared and make me shut my doors to everything beautiful or everything/one who really wouldn’t hurt me. Not just the illusions, the real ones. And to be honest, I don’t wanna live that way. I don’t wanna be fooled. I just want to be loved and i just want to love, I just want to fall inlove and no be scared. For once I don’t want to just fall – i want to jump and fly. With you, I really thought I jumped unfortunately, that was just me. And i really don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing because you were always different. You never made me feel special nor beautiful, I never had butterflies or any of those stuff with you. But I don’t think i’ve ever wanted to be with someone who’s made me feel soo annoyed and hurt as much as I wanted to be with you so either way, I stayed. I always waited around hoping that one day you would do all those things to me. I just can’t figure out if what you did saved me or not because, yeah, you did break my heart anyways. LOL.

Maybe you are more mature. Maybe you did see what I didn’t. Or maybe you didn’t see what I did. Cuz when i thought about us, I saw a real couple. I’m really not as shallow as you think I am, Franc. It was always just about you and honestly, I always kept it that way, focused on you.

I know you know that I was going to say YES. I was going to take a leap in my life. I was going to risk a lot to be with you but I guess that just wasn’t Gods plan for me cuz well, you know what you did, I don’t need to remind you.

But yeah, you just made it seem soo easy to leave and get out of what you started. and Jesus Christ, Franc, you couldn’t even say it to my face! I know it would’ve been hard but at least YOU would see me cry. Not your friends or mine.

Do you know how dumb I looked?! I thought it was going to be something I’d look forward to not something I’d still be crying about a month later. How do you think that’s fair for both of us? And yeah, I let you leave without any questions cuz I know that there is isn’t a real reason for goob-byes like that. You didn’t want to be with me and it was as simple as that. And now you’re gone and I’ve realized that Ihaven’t moved on yet and I haven’t moved on yet cuz I haven’t gotten the closure I need in order to do so. I haven’t done that until today because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to move on because I was hoping you’d wanna jump for me. I guess a part of me was hoping that you’d wanna give us another shot. But I also knew that if what I was hoping for was going to come true, I  wasn’t going to risk another leap just to have the feeling of my heart broken again.

It’s funny how I’m saying this. I mean, I don’t believe in this. You put me in a daze, Franc. You really did. See, I believe in second chances. I just don’t think that everyone deserves one. And you left.. but I guess there was some part of me that stayed behind. And if I didn’t decide to write this, I would be very vulnerable to you and right now, that’s the last thing I want. Right now, I just want to live and maybe find someone else. I just want to forget about you and the chances of someone breaking my heart again. All I really want man gud is that one day,  I’d be with someone who’s sure he wants to be with me. I just don’t want to feel used anymore. You just made me feel soo used, Franc. That’s just the truth.

And hopefully, you’ll find/ have/ get all the things you need. I’m sure you will, too. I see how passionate yo are about all this stuff. Hopefully one of these days I’ll see you at the “top” and hopefully you’ll be happy and content. I knoq you said it’s a dangerous and lonely place but it doesn’t have to be that way for you. You have to make your life and your plans work for you. And I know you will. Just so you know, I’m not mad. When I bitched at you that one time, I was just pushing you away. Yeah, I do that. And also, I’m not expecting a reply so don’t feel obliged to. But if you do, we could always talk. I’d like that.

You just concentrate on whatever it is you need to concentrate on and I’ll just live my life. You’re always in my prayers and I wish you nothing but the best.

issa chua

-camotes island.
Black saturday

typos? deal with it. i’m dunzo! 😀