TOO CONFIDENTIAL FOR ANYONE
Honestly, most of the time,
I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be. Most of the time I’m either
too scared to show people who I really am or I’m too scared that I’d be too
much for them and the more I think about who I am or who I’m supposed to be or
who people expect me to be, the more I don’t know who I really am and the more I
want to run away. But in short, I guess I’m just a very scared little girl who
dreams of running away way too much. Because honestly, running away seems so
easy to do but once again, I guess I’m too afraid to hurt the people who care
for me to actually do that. So my favorite times of the day are those times
when I’m alone because there’s no one around to tell me who I’m supposed to be
so it’s easier to remember who I am.
I’ve been a Born Again
Christian for over 12 years now but I’ve only been praying and reading the
bible on a regular basis for less than 2 months now and within these past two
months of committing myself to the Lord, I’ve smoked, drank, snuck out of the
house and almost had PMS [but only because I let it happen but never again.
Never again]. All of these, except drinking, are completely against my morals
and they’ve always been against everything I believed in even before I started
truthfully going to church.
I drink not because I think
it’s “cool” or because everyone’s doing it. I guess I drink because I like the
feeling of getting drunk [even though I’ve only gotten completely wasted once].
I like the fact that nothing’s holding me back and just because I know I can
get away with murder because “I was drunk” is the best alibi anyone can have
for doing something completely and uderly stupid. As for smoking, I don’t have
a good excuse to do it. Attention? Perhaps. Curiosity? Believable. Acceptance?
I’m more than a cigarette to my friends, I know that.
Just because I said that I
don’t know who I am doesn’t mean I don’t know what kind of traits I posses. I
do, I know a lot about me but then there are still a lot of chunks and whatever
is bigger than chunks about me that I don’t know or I just can’t figure out.
Like, if I’m a genuinely nice person or if I’m simply two- faced. If I’m
extremely moody to most people but patient when it comes to people I’d like to
impress or to people I like or if I’m just fake. If I’m emotional or if I dodge
feelings a lot or if I’m just in denial of what’s real. You know, stuff like
that. But if there’s one thing about me that I’m certain about, one thing that
I couldn’t live without, it’s writing. I love writing. Poems, songs, essays,
diary entries, random i-hate-the-world notes and etc. It’s my high. And this
assignment is making me high. HAHA.
I guess I love writing
because it’s always easier to sound like a God and at the same time a normal
person when it’s on paper and also because in my family, it is simply
unacceptable to display feelings other than happiness unless you’re the parent.
[I guess they’re exempted cuz they’re old] And because of this holy rule I
guess I just kinda got used to faking a smile and putting on a happy show. It’s
also been my reason to write. I honestly don’t remember a time in my life when
I didn’t have a diary or a journal. At
the moment I have 3 online blogs (www.xanga.com/aa_bebe_phat_aa,
myspace and multiply), 1 journal, 1 special notebook that I fill up with letters
for the boyfriend and tons of old notebooks that go back to when I was really
young. And as geeky as it may sound, I always look forward to filling each page
with my most personal thoughts and feelings, most of which talk about my hopes,
my dreams, love and life.
Aside from writing, sports
have always been a good drug for me. It’s always been a good help whenever I
didn’t want to care about anyone or myself. That’s why I try to take up as many
sports as possible because it’s also a fact that I get bored of the same things
Sometimes I think people
think that I try to do everything because I need attention or whatever. But no,
I try to do everything because no one ever said I couldn’t and because I like
the experience. I say, “They’re just jealous because I have the guts to go out
there and actually do it.”
Guts, that’s what I wanna
be known for. I wanna be known as the girl who isn’t afraid to speak her mind
[but of course, I’d always have kick ass opinions]. I wanna be known as the
girl who did crazy things for crazy reasons but in the end, always found a way
to make her look like the good guy. I wanna be one hell of a smart ass. LMAO.
Ever since I was a little
girl, I’ve always had a picture perfect idea of what my life would be when I
grew up. I was so sure that I would have my own family, I’d drive a car, have
kids, a husband [just one, hopefully because I don’t support divorce] and live
in a really big house. I also pictured myself as a big shot fashion designer
with my own fashion label which I’ve been planning, dreaming and preparing for
ever since I was in 1st grade. I would call my line Tish and
everyday young, teenage and adult women alike would race to the store to buy
all my designs.
That’s still the life I
would rather have myself dreaming of but I can’t always have things my way.
[This is making me cry]
Up until last year, my new
future was literally drawn out for me whether I wanted to live it or not. I was
told that it’s either I would take up nursing or I wouldn’t be able to go to
college at all. “Nursing is where the money is.” You wouldn’t believe how many
times I’ve heard that line and every time I play that line in my head, I feel
my insides tighten. I feel every piece of my body coil up because I never want
to be a nurse. It’s just not… me. But then again, maybe it is I just don’t know
it yet. But I swear to God, it’ll never truly
But I’m not the kind of
person who just lets others win especially if it’s my life we’re talking about.
I don’t always have to win but I can always compromise. So now the new plan is
to take up nursing, go to the states, work for a year and go to fashion school.
You’d think I’m a loser for
sure but ever since 3rd grade I already planned what school I’d go
to [the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, NYC] and I’ve been
practicing [I’ve worked for Bisaya Ispisyal, Wacky and our company plus the
designs I’ve made that I hide because I can’t draw.] So you see how important
it is that I get to do this. Now you know why it means so much to me.
Sometimes I’m able to tell
myself that maybe it is a good idea to take up nursing simply because I get to
get away from my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family to death but most
of the time, they can get so annoying. It’s just that, I’ve always had the
feeling that living with my mom and my step dad is something that one day I’d
have to pay for. Or if not, I always thought that being given the privilege to
live with them and live a better life than I could possibly have with my dad
meant that I had to be the better daughter compared to my other siblings
because if they didn’t take me, no one else would and I’d have nothing. Sometimes
doing good and accomplishing things seems more like a job than a dream.
Sometimes it feels like if I didn’t do well, I don’t deserve the blessings that
I have and that’s why sometimes failing seems like my biggest accomplishment. I
honestly cannot deny the joy I have of failing sometimes because it just feels
like something I would do and not something I’m supposed to.
Another reason why leaving
sounds like a big burden lifted from my back is because I wouldn’t have to put
up with the common back lashing of the other parent. You see, I know my dad’s
irresponsible, I know he doesn’t care for me as much as he should and I don’t
need anyone to remind me of that because I’ve experienced it first hand. Right
now, I have a very sturdy philosophy on life and that’s to not expect too much
from anyone because in the end, you will
get disappointed, you will get hurt
and it’ll just suck like hell. I have my dad to thank for everything I believe
in. If my own family can hurt me this much, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone
FACT: I used to cut myself.
It was a phase. I promised my mom I wouldn’t anymore though.
FACT: One of the things I
want to do before I die is to try drugs. Not the kind you inject or you sniff
but the kind you smoke [just because I’m aware that I’m actually doing it]. I
just want to know how it feels like to be free. I wanna know how if feels like
to fly. I heard it does that. I know it’s wrong, I know what it does to the
body but I’d still do it anyways. Just once and I’d be happy.
There’s still so much I’d
like to write about but I think I’ve taken up most of your time and my entry
could possibly be the longest one you have so I’ll just stop here and you can
talk to me whenever you want to.
Teacher Braz, I’ve just
told you more things that I’ve ever told any adult in my whole life. I’ve told
you things I would NEVER EVER tell my own mother and I’m telling you this
because I trust you. Don’t think that I’m a bad person because I have different
point of views. I know you won’t anyways but yeah. I love you.