my heart is sturdy but it needs you to survive

But
yeah. Don’t get tired of me. it’s just that, that’s really how I feel. I mean,
as much as I want to trust you, you have to play some part in that. No matter
how much I know that you wouldn’t go and do something I’d regret being with you
for, there will always be this little annoying voice in me telling me that you
could be doing that just as I’m thinking it. I guess I need a little
reassurance every now and then, bik.

             I’m a girl. Girls worry. We’re
paranoid. And you’re my wonderful
boyfriend. I’m leaving the “dealing with it” responsibility up to you. So
please don’t think that I’m trying to put you on a leash or that I don’t want
you to live a life of your own because that’s the last thing I would ever want
you to do [no diay. the last is you cheating o n me. HAHA]. As much as possible I want you to feel like you’re living the same
life you were living before you were with me. [except some other stuff, of
course.] And I never want you to feel like being with me is holding you back
from doing what you want or from having fun or from whatever. But then when I
ask you these things [things like, not to go out that much or whatever], it just feels like I am. And I’m soo completely lost. And here’s the part when I
need you to tell me what to do.

simply because i entirely suck at being a girlfriend and sometimes i can’t help but think that bik deserves better. maybe someone who’s not as uptight or as moody as i am?
or maybe someone who has better fashion sense and is bold and more than willing to wear a racerback? haha.
or even someone who’s willing to show off her pitts to him. HAHA.
ok, there are really a lot of things i’m not. but then again there are a lot of things i am. and even if sometimes i’m soo mad at him that it actually reaches a shallow state of hate, i undoubtingly love him more than i’ve ever loved anyone. [and i mean this. i swear. no one can mean it more than i do, the queen of screw ups]

and i guess i’ve been setting too high standards for myself because i wanna be perfect for him. i mean, i honestly want to be good at what i’m doing but sometimes it feels like i eternally suck [with the non stop mood swings and all] and i really wish i knew what i was supposed to do or what most girls would do.

but i’m trying. i swear. ijust need a little help, that’s all.

i love you