one last break down

i just need to break down one last time

hello today, you’re breaking me. just one last time and i’m gone. i’m forgetting and i’m just going to be as passive as possible and not care. maybe. i’m praying for that.

today was the last day of periodicals. oh joy. i found out that i failed my chemistry test by 9 points. whoop-dee-doo. big suprise there. but honestly, when i found out that i failed. i wasn’t depressed nor did i feel pathetic nor dumb. instead, a rush of rebelion ran through my body. like, failing was my way of proving to myself that i couldn’t do everything. that i’m not perfect.and it humbles me. lol. plus,  i’m pretty sure that i’m going to fail to cle too. but do i care? no. no, i don’t. but really, i think i really do. thank you, pat.i’ve realised that i’m just like every other girl. or every girl you know, that is. that i really am breaking down inside but i’m just to proud to admit that i feel insecure, neglected and just not good enough. and i guess,it’s my pride. i don’t want to see myself as someone who’s dying on the inside cuz she can’t handle a little drama. but dodging feelings like that isn’t doing me any good. it hurts and this is the first time ever taht i’m saying this but, i need help. i need to get away. i need to cry and feel sorry for myself because this act,isn’t taking me anywhere. it’s making me feel like someone i’m not.but the truth is, i don’t know who i am anymore. i don’t know who i planned to be from the start or what i want to change into. the world is just one messed up place to even think or try to figure that out right now. this is what i like to call a crisis.

i missed chabel’s play to go to arianna’s birthday party. i’m confused. just like old times. <3 i liked that. then arden came with judd and matt. cebu is too small. lmao. but anyways, that’s what happened. i missed the interschool play to stay and hang with andrea. well, i don’t regret that. i honestly know that if i came, i’d be too preoccupied to even concentrate. girls like her get everything. but, the question is, do i want everything? i don’t deserve it. i’m not putting anyone down here but myself. lmao. just to set the record straight. but yeah, that girl is one lucky bitch for more reasons than one. lmao.

but you know me, i tend to build up this positive force feild around myself. “that’s okay, issa. don’t rush.you’ll find someone. she just found her guy/ s before you did. no big.” one day, i know i’ll end up killing myself from all this misery. i’m not happy go lucky nor am i optimistic. [but the thought of me writing this makes me feel like i don’t seem like the kind of person to feel these things] so what am i really? again, help!

and omg, i just don’t wanna talk about it anymore.

honestly, i think this blog is basically because i feel bad that my parent’s watched sukob without me.even when my papa promised that we’d watch it together. but i’ve been here soo many times before and i think it’s about time i learned that, i wear my heart on my sleeve way to often and i’m always let down and broken. so why do i still take the chance? i unno. proli cuz i’m a retard and i like to believe that i could just get over it like that.

i don’t know who i am anymore. i do not know.