short, fat and ugly

Well today was a good day for me but of course, it had to start out really shitty before it got better.

my papa thinks that i should talk to my dad and tell him everything i feel towards him like all the things i tell him and mommy when i come home from spending time with him. He says that i can’t keep being two-faced and even said that, “If you’re not going to talk to your dad then don’t bother talking to me about him anymore…”

why do i feel so pressured?!

Am i pathetic for thinking that i could really go on humoring him and giving him what he wants while i just kept it all in? because that was the plan, honestly. Just give him what he wanted and secretly hate him. Because honestly, what’s the point in telling him? I know that no matter what i do or no matter what i say, he will still be the same dad who doesn’t provide for me, who failed and i think i like it that way. because i got used to it. I don’t want him in my life. I don’t want my honesty to somehow invite him in my life. I’m scared that he might take it as a call from me to change because i somehow need him.

Clear communication? You don’t know my dad. He’s psycho.

Even if i were to open up to him… how would i say it?

“Dad, you know, the days I’ve got to spend with you has made me realize a lot of things. Like the fact that you will never be the dad i wanted you to be since i was a little girl for me and i’ve realized this because you don’t seem like you want to be that person for me either. The family i’m with now is the only family i want and i could ever need and sure, it was nice to meet your family but you know, i just can never be a part of that because i know i will never ever belong there. Mommy said that when you came she would leave it up to me to make up my mind about what i feel for you and honestly, what i feel for you if they are not the same are actually worse. because you know what, who you are right now is someone you cannot change and it is someone who will continue to pull me down and hurt me if i let you and i don’t want to…”

no, that’s too scripted. it’ll proli go like this…

Me: Dad… you know, i can’t keep pretending that i like you…
Dad: Shut up you fucking bitch

* how nostalgic *

I haven’t entertained the thought of actually talking to him until today but the more i feel like i need to talk to him, the more i loose the urge to do so. i am weird.

i need an escape. and i’m sorry but i cannot stop smoking.

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