shut up and put your money where your mouth is
as i was walking home from the gym this evening, i ended up thinking about you again. and i ended up remembering the night of my party and how we danced to daughters by john mayer instead of you are always on my mind by micheal buble which was the song you had dedicated to me on my birthday. Do you know the lyrics of that song we danced to? It goes something like this…
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
….
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she’s left
Cleaning up the mess he made”
now, i’m not John Mayer but i think that the last 3 lines that i’ve mentioned here are about what her dad leaving her has done to her. But i’d also like to twist the story and think that this is about you and what you’ve done to me after you left and just .. everything.
i remember that night clearly and how i knew that i wasn’t in love with you anymore. I remember listening to you talk about how i was always on your mind and how i knew that you were a sweet talker and how no matter what you said, it would never compensate for everything you’ve done to me. And i remember how i knew that THAT night was something i would regret and something that i would not want to look back on because i knew that i would look back on that night 20 years from now and you would no longer be in the picture.
i turned 18 and said to myself that this age would be good to me. I told myself that i was going to remember being 18 and that i was going to remember being in the best age i could probably ever be in. 18- it’s where i’m too young to do stuff but old enough to do others. I remember watching 2008 leave and saying to myself that i was finally going to leave you despite missing you for so long. I remember welcoming 2009 and telling myself that i wouldn’t make the same mistakes i did in 2008 and that this year would be better.
but it’s not. and it’s not even because of you. Because i don’t think that i could allow myself to let someone like you hurt me so much. and that’s why it was so easy to let you go.
and it’s been like 5 months already. wow. and i’m sitting here feeling like i’m making the same mistakes again but with different people. I feel like i like him but he’s not that guy who’ll drop everything for me. I feel like he’s not that guy i’d go out of my way for simply because i know i’m not that girl to him either. I know that we are no good for each other but i just can’t find myself to leave you simply because i’m hoping you’ll change your mind.
People warned me about you but listening was never one of my best features. Honestly, it’s not even a feature of mine. so i got on board anyways just because i like the thrill of the chase and i wanted to know if it was true. i wanted to know if you would just hurt me. i wanted to know if i was just a game to you. and i’m think that maybe they were right.
i knew that when you came, you’d eventually leave because that’s what people around here like to do. LEAVE. every time. but i was hoping that you’d find a reason to fall in love with me and then everything would just work out. but i’m sitting here now and realizing that that’s not going to happen. so maybe i’ll leave you or wait til you leave me. i don’t know. i am just living in every moment of my life and hoping that you’d be a part of it. or it doesn’t have to be you. just someone who will take all of this pain away. because i’m full of it.
