come home

some people look at the moon and think that it’s a chunk of cheese. some think it simply luminates the world. but when i look at it, i unno, i think it’s the only thing that keeps me alive. looking at it gives me assurance of tomorrow and another shot to make things right. even if right now, i don’t know what i have to make right and i have no idea if there’s anything wrong or anything left to make right. i’m like, the pinay version of clueless. no, not really. scratch the hot bod, flowing in cash, hot boyfriend, gorgeous face… uhm, i guess i’m not so clueless afterall. maybe i’m just… weird. lmao. i’ll live with that :p

anyways, i do not know what the hell that emo shit was about. lmao. but anyways, yeah. i’m at a point where i’m just tired and i’m emo because i can be. lmao.

gtg <3

my english project. read and weep :p


                 And there I stood in the cold darkness – alone, trying to digest
the fact that my love was nothing but a figment of my wild imagination. I
always thought of myself as a wild dreamer but never to the extent of being a
slave of it. I felt stupid, pathetic and embarrassed. But the way the wind blew
that night was tantalizing. Simply by the way it blew in my face then danced
around me made me feel as if nothing else could be better. It made me feel as
if I could do anything in my will to make the whole world wrong just so I could
be right. Just to prove that the girl I laid in bed thinking of at night was
real. That she could love me the way I love her. That infatuation was a myth
and one day we could prove that maybe love is
all we really need.

                 But as I stood in that darkened
hallway lighted by the rays of a single candle, I was brought back to reality –
the reality that I was just another young boy and a silly one, indeed. I
realized that the world is too big and life is too short to close my heart over
a dream that would never come true.

                 And with that, I left Araby and
grew up.

                Or so I thought.


           It’s been
10 years since I last heard that word. Oh my, that’s been a long time. How time

 I can still picture myself
standing between the walls of empty bazaar stalls (or maybe not. I can’t
picture it out that much anymore. It’s been that long). But that was the past.

 It’s amazing how much you learn in
10 years. Amazing how much you can achieve. Amazing how much you can change.
Yet the most amazing part of life is how quickly you can loose everything in a
blink of an eye.

 After 10 long yet seemingly short
years, I look back at my life and smirk with every reason in the world to. I
admit I’ve stopped dreaming a very long time ago. It’s saved me the tears and

I have children now, (2 wonderful
boys) but I admit I’ve never encouraged them to dream in any way whatsoever. I
have nothing extremely big against dreaming, really. But since their mother
passed away (god bless her soul), I didn’t want them to start dreaming that she
would come back. I was too afraid that they would start to believe that that
dream would actually come true. I’m scared of the haunting thought of my past
but mostly, I’m frightened at the thought that my children would have to go
through the same pain that I had gone through once upon a very long time ago.

 I hope you don’t get the
impression that I’ve forbidden my children to dream, I wouldn’t have the power
to do so. Dreaming is just something I rarely encourage in our household.

 “PAPA! PAPA! Have you ever heard
of Araby?” my young son asked me one day.

“Yes, my boy. What about it?” I
replied with the sound of uneasiness. Araby was still a soft topic for me. No
one knew about this but me and I planned to keep it that way for a very long

 “Well papa, Antonio told
everything me he knew about Araby! The stalls and the cheap finds! He also told
me that it was coming very soon and I was wondering if you could bring me
there. It’s almost my birthday anyways; maybe you could buy me a toy car. I’m
sure it wouldn’t cost much.”

And although I was doubtful about
returning to the scene of my nightmares, I knew that I couldn’t break my son’s
heart over something that broke mine. So with a deep sigh, I nodded and watched
him run off into the garden with pure excitement and bolts of energy.

 That night I lay in bed, tossing
and turning, full of thoughts, untapped feelings and longing.

             It was 3 am, the air was cold yet
I was dripping from sweat.

 So, I stood up from where I lay
and gazed at my children. “How handsome and well rounded they’ve grown up to
be.” I thought to myself. The eldest, Ben, had his mother’s best features,
eyes, nose, forehead and lips. Looking at him was like looking at his mother.
Phil, he took after me, he was like a miniature clone of me and that made me
proud. Both my boys did well in school, made good friends and helped a lot at
home. Although there were times that they got into trouble, I understood that.
They we’re boys and they had to learn the ways of life the only way they we’re
supposed to and no one said that it would be easy. I learned the ways of life
the same way and I still am.

The wind was rustling against the
tin scraps of metal that served as our roof. So I grabbed my jacket and decided
to take a stroll outside.

As I was walking, a distinctive
wind blew in my direction. It was the kind of wind that blew in my face 10
years ago in Araby.

Araby, oh Araby.

Then suddenly, I felt a strong
gush of wind that felt as if it was pushing me in a certain direction, telling
my insides that there was a certain place in a certain time that I had to be
in. A date that only fate could’ve planned herself.

And I just let the wind carry me
to wherever it destined to. It pushed me, left then right, then another turn to
the right until I was at the corner of where Araby was to be held.

And in the corner stood a

“Excuse me. Who are you?”

Still she stood pretending not to
hear me.

“Do you need help?” I said as I
approached her.

Suddenly she turned and faced me.
And the moment she did, I felt a jolt through my spine.

           I didn’t
know this woman but I felt like I knew her all my life. It felt like I’ve spent
my whole life dreaming of her at night and forgetting her in the morning.

           The way the
light from the nearby light post outlined her body made her look beautiful and
I, quickly fell. And as I gazed into her eyes, I realized, yes, I did know her.
I knew her from a dream. A dream that I promised never to look back on… ever.

           I moved
closer to her. Close enough to feel that she was real. But just as I got close

           “PAPA!” I
heard Ben scream from the distance.

           So I turned
back and ran to my son. Turns out that he had followed me as I stepped out of
the house, claimed I was sleeping walking and wanted to make sure I was ok.

           I went home
that night with the image of that beautiful stranger lingering in my mind.

           Oh love! Oh

The following morning, I woke up
as if nothing happened and spent the whole day preparing myself for that
evening’s event. My reunion with a nightmare.

afternoon passed by and the evening quickly followed and before I knew it, me
and my sons, were on our way to Araby. When we got there, it was much more crowded
then usual. More colorful and there was definitely a larger selection of goods
to buy. It wasn’t like the bazaars in my time, one thing was for sure.

          I watched
my boys scatter into the stalls and explore what Araby had to offer to their
young minds. Ben quickly found the toy car that he had asked me for as a
birthday gift and Phil found some small plastic soldiers that he was surely
going to enjoy during the summer afternoons.

didn’t seem so bad anymore. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

          “Oh, I’m
sorry, sir.”

          A voice
from the back said. I quickly turned around to see who it was who had hit me
from behind. And as I soon as I did, my jaw quickly fell.

           It was the
woman from the night before! I was in shock. Seeing her again made her as real
as I thought she was, because now, I felt her and I heard her voice. I knew she
was real and I wasn’t going to let her go.

           I quickly
ran in the direction where she had headed to. But it seemed a lot like she was
avoiding me because she kept turning in different directions and dodging my
calls. But for whatever reason it was, I didn’t care. I just wanted to see her
again and tell her that she was the woman in my dreams and it was fate that I
we would meet again. I wanted to hold her close and remember who it was to be
in love again like the way I felt 10 years ago in the orphanage. But this time,
I wouldn’t be afraid to, because now, I knew for certain that she was real.

          I continued
to follow her until she led me into an empty hallway. And I stood there
watching her stand from a distance. I watched the way the light fell against
her pale skin and felt myself falling on the inside and anxious to run to her
on the outside.

          And as the
light slowly dimmed away, I saw her disappear with it. I watched her disappear
once again just like the way I watched her disappear 10 years ago.

          And as I
looked around me, I noticed that I was standing in the exact place I stood 10
years ago. The same place where I realized that love was not real. The place
where I concluded that dreaming got me nowhere and where I felt that I was
nothing else but a stupid, pathetic and embarrassed little boy.

emotions rushed into my head as I realized how amazing it is how much you learn
in 10 years. Amazing how much you can achieve, how much you can change and how
amazing how long you can fool yourself into believing that you’ve gotten over a
dream that you never really let go.

          And once
again, I stood there, gazing up into the darkness as I saw myself as a creature
driven and derided by vanity; and my eyes burned with anguish and anger.

someone save me

i have a sickness. i have the tendency of not blogging on the weekends when those are sually the best times to blog. lmoa. stupid issa.

well, i haven’t gone to ayala for the second week. yey me. sigh.

miguel’s at the hospital right now on a counta UTI. and i thought only girl’s could have that. maybe he isn’t a boy afterall. please god, no. i stayed there friday night to help watch over but i had to come home saturday morning to makes fucking projects. fyi: i’m not even half done and i’m passing everything on monday. om my fucker.

i’m hellah tied right now and i’ve been passing time by googling. i searched for my name and soo far, i’ve find a good 5 sites with my name in it.lmao. just for links to my xanga and multiply or the like and in janna’s xanga pud. i feel loved. jan, if you’re reading this, i still have slightly curly hair. lmao.

so yeah, ima go now. nothing to talk about really. erm.. maybe just the thought that SOMEONE is really getting on my nerves now.

Let This Go
by Paramore
album: All We Know Is Falling (2005)

maybe if my heart stops beating
it wont hurt this much
and never will I have to
answer again to anyone

please don’t get me wrong
because I’ll never let this go
but I can’t find the words to tell you
I don’t want to be alone
but now I feel like I don’t know you oh

one day you’ll get sick of
saying that everything’s alright
and by then I’m sure ill be
pretending just like I am tonight

please don’t get me wrong
because I’ll never let this go
but I can’t find the words to tell you
I don’t want to be alone
but now I feel like I don’t know you oh

let this go
let this go

ill never let this go
but I cant find the words to tell you
I don’t want to be alone
but now I feel like I don’t know you

and I’ll never let this go
but I can’t find the words to tell you
that now I feel like I don’t know you

^ that’s by paramore and omg, i soo fucking love them <3

btw, we won 3rd place sa jingle making shit 🙂

Niña Benemerito – come home

i’ve had a hard day at school. today was the first time i ever flunked a seatwork or anything soo bad this school year. 4/35. haha. but i’d rather stick to a 4 for one grading period than a wasted good-bye. right?

yot, you are soo worth that failing mark. <3

anyways, i’m going to / already am busy this week because:

i have projects to finish [cl, eng, etc]

a periodical i havta prepare for next week

miguel’s birthday

choir practice

nutrition month practice

music presentation practice

cle reporting.


i almost cried in the car today </3 i wanted to text bayotzkie. but then i remember, she wasn’t here :[

i miss you terribly.

this isn’t good-bye and it never will be

bayot doesn’t know it but i skipped school today to meet up with friends and catch up with her at the airport. i couldn’t let her leave without being able to hug and kiss that bitch. i love her too much to do that. lol.
right now i’m waiting for miss gaitera, the sloth, to come here so we can go to sm or somewhere near there and meet up with cj to say good-bye. whoops. it isn’t goodbye lagi. >:p i unno who else’re going. 5 minutes after 8. where the heck are you, ayana?!

i’m sorry but not guilty.

kev, here’s my side of the story and a little bit of the other sides. lol

ok, but first, i’m not naming anyone. i’m better than that. i know. mom didn’t raise a classless bitch. i won’t do that to her. lmao. anyways, first, i admit my faults.

1. i’m sooo fucking sorry for not backing off. but it really was hard. to be stuck in such a situation as that. and when someone else [hint: haha. secretooo] told me what to do, i admit not doing it because i thought that i could come up with another way to get past things. wrong move. but i’m only human.

2. i admit that it was stupid to tell you the truth. but you wanted it so i gave it to you. and so what if i “thought” i liked him. it’s not like i would EVER go for him. heck, no. [that wasn’t said in an offensive way, btw] i got confused. sorry. i don’t see why you took it the wrong way. there’s a fine line betwee liking and actually going for. i stood behind the liking part and nowhere near the going for. haha

3. haha. that’s what i always say. and i’m sorry if that came out a bit offensive but, hey, we’ll all live. [god, don’t tell me THAT was offensive pud? i come up too strong. deal with it]

4. i admit that i AM sorry but i’m NOT crazy nor am i stupid enough to waste my time telling the whole world how sorry i am and how i wish i could take things back. i have a philosophy and that is, to live life without regret. however, if this is how things’re going to end. i admit, it’ll be such a waste but i’d rather waste it then put myself through heaps of pity and remorse over something that’s already happened.

ok, if that wasn’t enough sorry’s and i admit’s then you can go ahead and tell the world that i’m a boyfriend stealing slut faced whore. i’ll live. i don’t worship highschool drama nor do i try to fix it. i’m passive but only to things that can’t make me a better person. yes, i’ve learned. i’m done learning so why drown in misery? you must think i worshipped people. honey, i like being passive.
here’s the story kev. i got stuck between a bad breakup. people say that i was one of the reasons. [note: ONE of the MANY reasons. kung bogo mo. reread that line] and, maybe i was. but i was only truthfully trying to help since i alrady got caught in the middle anyways. maybe people thought that i got in the middle cuz we we’re texting alot that time that they we’re doing soo well and shit. but no. i got caught since, well, that’s history. and that wasn’t my fault! plus, the only thing we’d talk about mosta the time, that time was about his problem and what he needed to solve. haha. are you getting this? anyways, so yeah. they broke up. it’s been like a month since that break up but seems like the whole world just found out a few days ago. egos, reps for whatever the reasons were of why they kept it on the down low for such a long time, i don’t know and i don’t care. really. anywho, so stupid me and stupid honesty and stupid trust [no, see the problem was the lack of it. or the abuse rather] i kinda told someone that i kinda liked the guy overtime [after the break up] but like, i didn’t mean it in a way na i’d steal him [god, you know im better than that.] or anything. you know those confused feelings where you like him but no, not really. you like the company, the friendship but you wouldn’t date him, not in a million fucking years kinda thing? yeah, that.

and i learned the had way, ex-girlfriends and the harsh world don’t mix. lmao. i don’t know what happened really. i know that people are pissed at me though because they all pretend to care or whatever. and that some people are just plain gay and love messing.

but i don’t care. if it’s about reps.. what rep?

no regrets.they’ll take me nowhere. besides, i know the story, my true friends know the story. that’s enough justice on my part. and that;s all. amen.

i miss you, kev. glad you keep in touch. hugs.

p.s. when you come back. i want stuff 😀 jp 

thank you for the silence

sunday; 10 min. to 8

whatever. god, give me something.

and omg!! i’m beginning to hate hsm! sorry hsm fanatics. i’ve been hearing it too much at school, home and even church. :((
someone save me! it’s on disney channel again 🙁 i swear i know the lines to this movie already. i’m sorry…

haha. anyways… keep your asses updated <3

you’re making this just a little bit harder

happy birfday miguel, mommy and jedd <3

i think my world is starting to revolve around <3 and </3. look at how lame i’ve become. dork.

follow up on last tuesday:
yeah, ayot came over. we watched tv, ate, walked around and talk. we talked about what might happen when she leaves and how it would be great having  a fresh new start. honestly, i don’t like fresh starts, they tend to rott too. but yeah, we talked about typical random stuff and talked to nina on the phone and the like. damn, i’m going to miss her. i really am.
good-byes are hard, the hardest.

wednesday, thursday:

omg, kapoi. i hate school. i hate it so much. lmao. but civics was fun cuz we watched Troy. twas wicked awesome <3

-i’m not afraid of dying, i’m afraid of tomorrow. hmm..

beautuiful movie with pieces of amazingy graphic shit in some parts. lmao. wicked awesome.

omg, i can hear the rats in this house. wtmf.

i have [[prjects to finish pa. omg, help me. *sob*

and yeah, migs birfday

friday: tonight

how did i decide to spend the eve of my mother’s birthday? hmm. let me site the ways.

i went to colon, in hopes that i would be able to buy more candy to sell at school on monday sadly, the 30 minute ride or so was obvious a waste because when we got there, the place was closed [6. fucker] and there was no way i could beg them to sell me there candy. but of course, granny found a way to waste their time as well, by asking the owner shitloads of questions which weren’t any of her business. sorry god, sometimes she embarasses me. :[
o: sorry kaayo, mam. naa man gud emergency…
g: unsa na emergency?
o: naai na hospital…
g: nganu man?
o: sa heart ra gud.
g: na unsa ang heart?

omg. side with me here. >:P

so, yeah, we decided to go to sm instead to buy mommy a gift and granny, well, she had her own things she needed to deal with. lol. i got her flip flops from artwork that we’re well.. ok, i guess. well, they better, i spent all the profit i made from the candy on those things. 🙁 poor me, no more money 🙁

i had to hurry home right after that though. jedd was celebrating his birthday party at his mom’s tapsilogan near metrosports. and omg, what a small world. richard tiu, i finally know his name knows jedd. wa lang. it’s just a small world. lmao.

jet got drunk. oh mother. lmao.

and i didn’t drink because i promised mom i wouldn’t. i didn’t drink gyud, 1 shot of tequila ra :))

ok, i’m soo tired

p.s. im stoofed. i joined the essay writting about nutrition month. and i sell candy. nice, is 😀 i got perfect in chemistry. lmao.
p.s.s.s. i’ve forgotten you


it’s a tuesday and yes, i’m on the internet. yipee. but only for homework and projects. wink wink ;P

i have a new business now, selling candy and that’s all thanks to chabel. thankyou, love. soo far, soo good. i’ve even gotten the teachers to buy my goods. lmao. i actually went to colon for this candy. props, yo.

i’m drowning in school work and on top of all that, bayot’s leaving and i haven’t found the time to visit stc to see her or anything. soo busy gyud and by dismissal i’m drained to the point where i can’t even stand up. it sucks. but junior year will quickly be over and so will two years and soon after, bayot’ll be back. *starts getting depressed* everyone’s leaving 🙁

anyways, i wrote a poem. a very long one about a little girl and a little boy [or 2. hehe] comments if you wanna read THAT one ;p

but here,

* so why blame me for falling?
because, sorry isn’t enough, girls have jealous hearts and all ex-boyfriends are off-limits. no matter what the circumstances are. </3

* “don’t go for him, he’s a player…”
“don’t go for her, she’s a slut…”
but they don’t care.. they just wanna be together <3

* she believes in love but love doesn’t seem to believe in her </3

* i think too much or don’t think at all. you turn away, and the more i fall </3

* why hate me for telling the truth? why not hate me for hiding it for soo long? /:) [this is all i have to say]

*rain ON me. rain FOR me. besides, it’s already raining IN me.

* i’ve messed down and burned down. && there’s no one ese to blame but myself

i have to do homework now.

madd love