a puddle

issa just read her blog again and is feeling worse than anything she’s ever felt before because of two things. One: because she wishes that francis would try to chase her. [as loserific as it may seem] and Two: because she misses her daddy. 🙁

i found this picture on his friendster and it just made me want to cry soo bad.

i miss him and i wish my life wasn’t as complicated. i wish that during christmas there was only one family portrait and not two. i wish there wasn’t more than 2 family reunions and half brothers and half sisters. sometimes i just wish that my life was different that i would cry over superficial things like not getting my own phone line or not being able to go out, things that i could fix. not the things that i’m stuck with for the rest of my life like siblings that i’ll never get to know.

god they look soo happy.

don’t get me wrong, i love my family, i love them to death but it’s just different. sometimes i wish i didn’t have to go through this. sometimes i wish i was born differently or that i didn’t have to grow up pretending to be strong but scared all at the same time. but i did it and this is my life. crying’s not going to make anything better so what am i supposed to do, god?

i’m lost and i haven’t felt so helpless before.

this Chua- Perez thing is driving me crazy. i wish i could just cut my tears away but i’m not going to do that. no, i am no longer a slave to the blade. [rhyming lagi]

one day at a time

February 19, 2007

god is feeling sorry for me and because of that deep feeling of pity, he has piled up my life with soo many things to keep me company and soo many people to make me feel better and he has let soo many interesting things happen and yes, i’m thankful. i’m just taking it one day at a time. sure, kevin lim did ruin my happy cupcake moment cuza that STUPID fake call but at least he tried to make up for it. 🙂

yeah, it’s still hard. i still do wanna break down alot and a lot of things have been going through my mind when i have the time, that is but i know that i’m not going to let him ruin me again. i’m not going to let ANYBODY ruin me for that matter. no, not anymore. 🙁

[prays that tears won’t start falling again]

i’ve been pretty busy with our drama fest, campaigning, swimming training and of course, my consistent visits to STC [love]. i’m running for vice-president and i’m doing 50 meter and 100 meter butterfly stroke and 50 fly. is that good? lol.
we’re doing dream girls for the dramafest and i’m playing the annoying girl in the group, Llorel. lol. hey, she is kinda annoying. haha

been busy in the afternoons watching play productions too. fun, fun.

but yeah, i still can’t help thinking about youknowwhat. i can’t stop thinking of those stupid quotes i’m soo found of making and i can’t stop thinking. i wish someone would borrow my brain for a minute of something. all this self inflicted pain is driving me nuts.

all she ever wanted was
to be with you

you never even gave
us a chance to start

but you know what, honey? that’s ok. i remember from saving my first kiss that i shouldn’t just focus on my white BLANK spot. i know he’s trying to keep me busy and i know he’s trying to teach me something. i know i may sound competely dorky but i do believe in all of this. i know that he did give him to me for a purpose and though it wasn’t the purpose that i was hoping for.. but well, ok. you work in ways that i cannot imagine. it’s your call.

i’m dunzoo.

no one really wins

i hate seeing you sad, right now id just about love to come up with
something to make you feel better. But i dont think anything i do or
say right now is gonna change anything. And im afraid saying the guy
was a total jerk would offend you, but he couldnt have been that much
of a jerk, you loved him, and you had your reason to, and well, i dont
know the guy to well either.

I didnt think it’d turn out this way.

know what? forget that, the guy IS a jerk, a jerk i always thought was
the luckiest guy to have your heart. But he goes ahead and crushes it.
Its not your fault, the guy can only see what he wanted, and not what
he had.

He was just another phase, and im pretty sure you
learned alot from it. Like i said, dont go looking for the perfect guy
for you just yet, go out and look for an experience, this right here,
was one.

i promised myself and the whole freaking world that i wouldn’t cry but god, it’s begining to be soo hard to do. kevin, thank you soo much. i don’t want to think that francis is a jerk because i look up to  him soo much even if he did hurt me ten times more. i guess all i ever really wanted was something to be contented about and happy about and crazy about. i hear chabel talk about how happy she is all the time and i never really get that. i don’t understand how a single soul can make you soo happy. i didn’t understand how someone could make you melt or how a BOY could do all those things to a person. but on prom night, i kinda understood a minute part of all of that and then as quickly as i felt it, it went away. just like every other time. 🙁

i went to church today, i was soo quiet and the whole time, the only thing i wantd to do was cry. i was soo mad at the world and mad at myself because i screwed up.. again. when am i ever going to make it right, kev? 🙁

crying again

i don’t get it. i don’t get myself and i don’t get what god’s plans for me are anymore.

the butt of every catastrophe

february 17, 2007

7 days ago my life was better. yeah, i was fussing about how terrible i thought my date was or how terrible i thought my night  would be.
7 days ago i was soo busy trying to look pretty, i didn’t even bother thinking about.. what i’d be in 7 days and that is, completely ruined.
At around 1 o clock today, it will be a week after i spilled my heart to the boy i’ve been dreaming of for much too long. it’ll be a week since i asked him to wait for me and it’ll be a week since he promised he would.

and in less than a week, i’ve been trammpled on, confused, happy, sad and mad at the world. and the crazier thing is, i’ve experienced all these things within less than 24 hours.

boy, you’ve ruined me.

my throat is tight, it’s choking me in it’s own little ways. my tears have stopped dripping like leaking faucets but thanks to the annual flashbacks, i easily find myself running to the nearest bathroom and trying my hardest not to cry, to force a smile and to fake a laugh. god, now i really do know how that feels like. 🙁

i honestly don’t know what to do anymore because i’ve learned soo many things in my life, i’ve given soo much advice but no matter how hard i think about everything, nothing wil ever ever give me the right reasons to why i should just get up, leave and find someone new because honestly, that’s not what i’m going for anymore. i realized that i don’t wanna put myself through this anymore especially if it’s going to hurt this much. i’d live without knowing.

i honestly think all of this is soo super duper unfair because honestly, how do you expect me to understand everything through a letter? i know that there is soo much more to what you wrote to me. i just need to know everything and i don’t care if it’s harsh or if you’d hurt me more because i have to know. i have to know what you’re telling my friends and i need to know why you’re telling me different things.

starts crying..

i know you think that i’m soo different from you. i know that you think that i don’t know what i want or that my priorities aren’t straight but honestly, that’s not true. and that could never be true. because honestly, i know what i want and i know that i’m going to get what i want it’s just that, i need that push and to tell you the truth, you gave me that push.

and then you just had to go and pull be right back.

and it’s funny how you keep telling me that you don’t dance cuz this one step forward and one step back charade with you is.. exactly like dancing. 🙁

franc, i know you have dreams and i know you have goals and i know that you are willing to acheive them and you don’t know how much i adore you for that. i just can’t help but wonder, did you ever think that i never supported you? that i held you back? i know i didn’t have much to say but that’s because i knew that that was your area. and i now, i don’t know. i just wished i talked more.

i have soo many things i wanna ask you, soo many things that i want to say to you but i know that i’m never going to tell you them because i’m figuring out that by telling you, i would just be complicating things. and you’ve made your decision, there’s no use in telling you what i need to say because i’m not even going to try to change your mind. you’ve made your decision and well, i made mine and i just realized thta.. i can’t always have things my way.

i was scared of soo much things, franc. i was scared that you’d hurt me or that i’d hurt you. i was scared that i couldn’t make you happy and among other things, i was scared that you wouldn’t love me the way i knew i was going to love you. but i was soo willing to forget all of that and jump hoping that it’d all be worth it end. i was soo ready to fly but all i ended up with was a sore butt and puffy eyes. but that’s what you do to me, franc. that’s what you’ve been doing to me all the time.

i hope you never say one thing and take it all back just like what you did because once you do, that’s that.
i’m sorry but i’m not going to be there for you. i’m not ready to be there for you when you need me now, it’s time for you to chase me like the way my insides have been chasing you.

god, i hate feeling this way. i hate how my world stops and how i see you and me in it. i hate how i see you with your dreams and priorities and not see me in it. i hate how i’ve always been just an option for you and never a priority. and i hate how you were always on the top of my list. and i hate how i’ve let you ruin me. and i hate how i let you kiss me and get away with it. i hate the memories we’ve had because i don’t know what to do with them. i don’t wanna remember them, franc becuase they’re only going to make me feel bad!

i was soo scared that i’d hurt you justt to end up having you hurt me.

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
[ i was soo wrong to think that you wouldn’t take that step back just like before]

That I’ve fallen down and I can’t do this alone

with me, this is what I need, please?

or jsut make up your mind

I am nothing now and it’s been so long

Since I’ve heard the sound, the sound of my only hope
[because you were the tingle in my spine, my push, my gogo factor]

This time I will be listening.
[just like i;ve alwaysbeen doing]

This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you

My heart is your’s

no, i don’t have a heart anymore.

you make me feel soo small just because you know that you shine soo damn bright.

i have to know that i’ll be ok, god. that’s the only thing i need right now.

You know it only breaks my heart

To see you standing in the dark alone

Waiting there for me to come back

I’m too afraid to show

If it’s coming over you

Like it’s coming over me

I’m crashing like a tidal wave

That drags me out to the sea

And I wanna be with you

And you wanna be with me

I’m crashing like a tidal wave

And I don’t wanna be

Stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded
[that’s always how you’ve made me feel]

I can only take so much

These tears are turning me to rust

I know you’re waiting there for me to

come back

I miss you, I need you

Without you, I’m stranded

I love you so come back

I’m not afraid to show

i always thought that when people said that money couldn’t buy you happiness, it meant that you had to be contented with what you have and not want to have the thngs you could only have in your wildest fantasies. and i know the only thing you want is that. to make money and to be happy and no, i’m not mocking you. i’d never do that. and you know what, i hope you get that in life because you’ve worked soo hard and given up soo much for that. i just hope that one day you’ll realize that money can’t make you happy and that you do need somebody and that i was willing to be that somebody. but you just couldn’t see that. money can’t buy you happiness but you’re presence was enough to buy my heart just so i could watch you break it.

boy you mean so much to me. but it hurts. this hurts the most and is the hardest to let go.
but you don’t want me and you’re not going to either.
i never told you this but
boy, youknowiloveyou.

and her attempt to rule the world

Valentines is for Dummies

February 14, 2007

the day of grieving

so yeah, it’s valentines or singles awareness day and well, i’m still in one piece but i’m honestly breaking apart. the only thing good about today is that i got a rose from kevin and kissables which was totally unexpected. haha. that made my day, kev. thanks!

well, not even teachers day could rmake me run away from valentines day. i guess, valentines isn’t for me


february 13, 2007

we’re changing for the fun of it
you’re changing because you know i want you to
and i’m changing because i know i have to

in a few hours, it’ll be valentines day and well, i’m not expecting anything. not even anything from Francis. because although hearts, hugs and kisses make me melt, it’s a little too expected. di bitaw. yeah, let me be selfish. i wanna the prettiest buoquet there is. i wanna be spoiled for once and yeah, i guess i want what every other girl wants on valentines day. and even though i don’t understand what power flowers have [which btw, i want to have in the future], honestly, i guess i just don’t wanna be one of the girls who isn’t going to get anything on valentines day and according to my statistics, that’s exactly what’s going to happen.

but valentines day will not be valentines for me. it’ll be single awareness day. haha. so that i won’t feel so bad about not having a valentine on that day. lol

but yeah, i like expecting the worst so that it won’t happen. HAHA. but that’s just ME

honestly? YES!

school was the most tiring thing i’ve ever put myself through. and the down side it that.. i get every morning and do it again. HAHA.

well, i have major SSC work to finish and i’m super tired.

and my caption thinggy. well, now i’m dead meat.

you’re making it hard to breathe

Lady Issa

Lady Tamae
bestows the gift of hrt
sugar- coated personality
Lady Jean Louise
on Saturday, the 10th of February
at Montebello Garden Hotel

Lady Ma. Anjela Ann
bestows the gift of her
smiling face and chinky eyes
Lady Jean Louise
on Saturday, the 10th of February

at Montebello Garden Hotel

Lady Chantal Kate Mari
bestows the gift of her
insanity and test twist skills
Lady Issa
on Saturday, the 10th of February

at Montebello Garden Hotel

Lady Vera
bestows the gift of her
volleyball skills
Lady Jean Louis
on Saturday, the 10th of February

at Montebello Garden Hotel

&& god hears my prayers in reverse.
or he hears what i want,
waits til i don’t want it
and then randomly gives it to me.

but today, today was something.

yeah, prom does live up to the hype.

koreans got drunk

i got tipsy

chab got caught

and someone scored!!!!

red, oh red, oh, red.
that girl does not know what she let go.

prom was ayt but afterparty was EVERYTHING!

want you to know that what we did was the realest thing i ever had. i don’t
think i’ve ever wanted anything else. i guess i just need time. i need to think
about us too if it’s not just because of the booze. yeah, like and love are soo
different but there’s a fine line between those things and i think it’s pretty obvious where you are. i hope you’re not
mad at me, franc. i hope you really do understand and most of all, i hope you
really did mean all those things you just said. you mean soo much to me and i
don’t think that i’m just going to be able to let you go or forget about you –
ever. good night and thanks for today. mwaah