She’s leaving tomorrow =,(

But it’s gonna be just fine!! not really cause i’m gonna miss her. but we saw each other just a while ago! pumunta ako sa bahay nila to get my cable for my ipod[nice excuse, huh?]… nyways, her parents allowed me to go so yeah!! at least they allow me to go to their house nah! i just love the thing that happened in i.t park with papa-lander & issa cause they had the “james talk” and yeah tito lander said we can hang out! so yeah! whatever!!! [wait, she’s letting me call her at this point. gotta call her] she wants to hear me say goodnight and goodluck in her wetdreams ahahahahaha. jk!! mwah!!! i think i’ll go now!! im tired!! bye LOSERS…

bik <3

lies, lies and more lies

my dad is gay. and soo out of place.

issadog_102890 (1/1/2002 12:35:24 AM): a boy is coming over tomorrow
daaady Chua (1/1/2002 12:37:03 AM): who is this boy thats coming over?
daaady Chua (1/1/2002 12:38:05 AM): tell me about this boy and WHY he’s coming over
issadog_102890: haha
issadog_102890: his name is james balagosa
issadog_102890: and he’s coming over to pick up his ipod
issadog_102890: we’ve been churchmates for 11 years
issadog_102890: and i think he’s courting me <– lie numero uno
issadog_102890: HAHAH
daaady Chua: so after he picks up his ipod, he’s leaving, right?
daaady Chua: how come you have his ipod?
issadog_102890: because he asked me to upload songs
issadog_102890: and idk with mommy. sila man nag sabot. maybe he’ll have dinner
daaady Chua: ahhh.. his excuse
daaady Chua: that’s just his excuse so he can come see you
daaady Chua: next time he can upload it himself
issadog_102890: well at least he’s coming over sa house.
issadog_102890: thats’s what mommy wants man
issadog_102890: we’re family friends man sad
issadog_102890: so mommy’s ok with him <- is she?!
issadog_102890: he jus has to do everything in a christian way
daaady Chua: ic
daaady Chua: sush, when you’re out with your friends, be safe always k?
daaady Chua: no drinking or hanging out with those who drinks
issadog_102890: yeah
issadog_102890: we usually have coffee raman at starbucks after dinner <– i’ve never even had coffee with my friends!
daaady Chua: do any of your friends drink?
issadog_102890: and then papa picks me up at wherever it is i’m at
daaady Chua: aw ok
issadog_102890: sometimes but only during private parties <– If paseo is where you have private parties then, YEAH!  
daaady Chua: dont be riding with anybody who drinks k?
issadog_102890: yeah.
issadog_102890: i don’t drink man <– HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
daaady Chua: thats good sush
issadog_102890: but i’ll start drinking when i’m 18 na gyud <- AND YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT CUZ YOU’RE IN RICHARDSON, YOU DOPE!
daaady Chua: we’ll think about it <- think your ass
daaady Chua: what does your mom say about that?
issadog_102890: about drinkin?
issadog_102890: i drink with her man
issadog_102890: the only times i drink are when i’m wit her <– HAHA. partially true. but not really
daaady Chua: ic
daaady Chua: what do you drink?
issadog_102890: wine lang <- cuz i’m rich! HAHAHA. EWK.
issadog_102890: haha
daaady Chua: sush, its 2 na. tulog sa ko ha?
issadog_102890: ok, dad
issadog_102890: gnight
daaady Chua: ill talk to you tomorrow nalang
daaady Chua: gnite sush
issadog_102890: ok, dad
issadog_102890: bye
daaady Chua: luv u
no reply to that

in control

my friends say i’m being anal and too into it. they think that my whole time is devoted to lagz and to no one else. and honestly, they could be right about that but friends are always top on my list. i have a list of tops, not in a specific order though basta 1st gyud si god. and if they need me, i’ll be there for them. :]

they’re suprised that i’m soo into him and the whole idea of us and i don’t blame them.

but hey, i’m inlove. and it’s finally safe to say it. cuz i’ve waited, prayed, got it and prayed some more and i just hope this lasts forever. :]

thanks for being my everything. you’re worth it. you make me feel like i’m worth it. you make me feel like i’m worth the fight. i love you.

you don’t look like you there.

nowhere but here <3

i’ve been a busy bee lately so i’m sorry if i wasn’t able to blog. [to whoever reads this] i like the fact that someone’s leaving me little letters when i do check my xanga though, it helps me write. it keeps me happy :]

so for the past 4 days i’ve been at stc for this artists called to serve [atcs] workshop. for the past 4 days, i’ve been spanking tamborines and praying and hanging out with james. see, i’m a tamborine dancer and he’s a magician.

“you wanna know what kind of magic
i used to make you fall for me?”

omg you dork. get real!!! :p
jk. i love you.

i can SMACK that. HAHA.

the whole thing was a really cool experience though. like, during the afternoons we’d change into different outfits. first day was kiddie outfit [i didn’t change] then retro [i wore my dress AGAIN] and third was international [i didn’t care to hange either] hehe. Tep joined which just wmade the whole thing better. :]

we’re cool. HAHA.

aside from the whole thing being fun, it was also really tiring. i swear i’m still not fully rested frm the whole thing. and honestly, i DON’T miss tennis.

me and james kinda fought on the third day though. totally my fault. sorry about that. who knew you were as emotional as i am.

life isn’t as regular as it’s usally been though. life was been one hell of a shocker to me. a few week ago my parents couldn’t stand to talk about james or simply the thought of him. but now he’s like the only thing they can talk about. last saturday i actually have candid pictures of his mom and mine conversing about clothes and stuff and the day after that, his dad and mine sat together during church. i even got to hold hands with his dad for like 5 seconds and mommy… MY MOMMY actually talked to lagz. and the coolest part is, James didn’t block out or give her a bad answer, he actually put a really big and genuine smile on and talked to her. i feel soo lucky right now. :]

last night me and papa went out for dinner then we had coffee at IT Park. Coffeebean is better than Starbucks but, it’s not like i can even afford any of em anyways. 125 pesos for Coffee. that’s just crazy! lol.

me and papa had a really good time. i actually found it in me to admit that i do like James and the coolest thing is that, he didn’t block me out or tell me that i wasn’t allowed to see him [they don’t know the WHOLE thing.] instead he give me a whole lot of things to do with the situation. he even wants to hang out with him [man date. soo gay] and maybe he can have dinner with us one night and he’s actually open to the idea of him coming to the house. i like how this is tunring out.

i honestly feel soo blessed to have a faher like him in my life. he makes me feel a lot much better and idk, he just tells me things that no one else could tell me. He doesn’t beat around the bush, he just tells me straight. something my real dad could never do. but i still have good feelings or my dad. maybe t’s love. i dont know

plus on our way home,he caught up with us. parked infront of our car and everything. oh i love speakingofthedevils. no, i love suprises. could never get tired of em. hehe.

so yeah, i’m hoping that james can come over tomorrow and pick up his ipod. maybe he can even hang out for a while i mom’s ayt with that. hehe.

enough sah. rest.

then today i had a meeting at school. it was just really fun to hang out with josh and jet again. i miss being one of the guys. yeah, being a girl is fun but i like not caring about what i’m going to wear or being consious about what i say as not to offend the other sistah. lol. i like staying balanced. ;]

then i had dinner with friends. arden came over. we’re beaching on thrusday before school ends and i miight sleep at her place on saturday. lol. crazy day. crazy day. hehe.

so yeah, i’m done.

so that was last week, yesterday and today ;]

Three straight days with you again was…

iloveyou.iloveyou.iloveyou nd iloveu.

that wasn’t so bad at all.forget about the last day!!! that was nothing!! no biggie. iloveu

i’m waiting for the notebook. 🙁

i can’t wait to see what’s inside..

whatever.whatever!!! nd oh yes HAPPY ANNIVERSARY[not wedding or uyab2] you know what imean.

ahahah vetch!

i’ll go now!! just a surprise.
you didn’t reply na babe =[
i’ll see you tomorrow for bible study!. what the hell am i doing!? this aint a blog. this is a letter!!! sorrrrrrry!!

mwah! iloveu SO MUCH!!!

-bik <3

1 month and 1,000,000 iloveyou’s ago


I, Jean Louise I. Chua,
I will be out of town for 5 days at CHURCH CAMP somewhere in the
province of CARCAR. Where ever the hell that might be.
Whose idea was this?
i cannot say.

What’s the purpose?
Well, what do YOU think,  juvenille delinquent?

from badassdoesn’tknowwhatshewantschurchhatingfreak to
just a girl who’s inlove [for real]

yeah, that was my post last month ago where i was expecting the worst and getting ready to die at church camp. i’m soo thankful that i joined that thing. and i’m thankful that he was there too.

yeah, it’s been a month since church camp and since my life took a major turn. 30 days and how many hours ago, was the first time we held hands and it’s been a month since i realized that i found someone i’m not letting go of and you know what? i still feel the same way i did a month ago and i pray to god i’ll feel the same way 876767483209823 years from now.

i rem. the butterflies very well and i remember exactly how you make me feel cuz i feel the exact same way everytime i’m with you even for the slightest moments. even if i’m just seeing you through a glass window or when we’re sitting together at church or when we talk on the phone or when we’re messing arpund or when we’re in your car and i just keep quiet. i know you know what’s going on in my head.

of course, it’s only been a month, i know but these feelings don’t usually stick around for as long as a month with me. i’m a very odd person like that. but you know what? evem if i’ve been having a hard time right now never for a second has the thought of going on without you entered my mind. you’re worth it. i don’t care what the rents say or do to get what they want [which is not us] , i’m not doing it. i’m putting up with it cuz you mean soo much to me. you’re more than just a summer fling or just a fling for that matter. you mean everything to me and i found what i’ve been looking for and thanks for that, hotstuff. you’re a keeper. <3

just cuz i’m feeling soo goddamn blessed right now <3

this one’s for you.

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
’cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me,
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I won’t wait forever(2x)

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,

There you are standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,

No I won’t wait forever(x3)

right now i’m not really in the mood to nag about how terrible my day was or how bored i was and how being grounded sucks.
i’d live even if the whole world wasn’t paying sympathy for my misery. believe me, i will.
right now all i want to do is to write down how blessed i am to have someone who puts up with me and who has to suffer with my careless blows.

yes, PMS. i’m one might roller coaster ride.

and i just wanna say that i’m REALLY REALLY terribly sorry for being a bitch to you.

dancing in the rain makes you feel better.
and so does cying in your friends arms. no, anyone’s arms for that matter.
crying makes you feel better.
letting someone know you cried and see her eyes water up when you cry makes you feel better.
he makes me feel better. <3

i made james mad today. and i can’t get over it. and the scary part is, if he didn’t get mad at me or if he just put up with my whinning then i wouldn’t have snapped out of whatever daze i was in and i wouldn’t stop being a bitch either.
it’s funny how he knocked me down and then picked me up again. idk. don’t try to figure that out.
and wa lang, i just realized that i can’t be a selfish bitch anymore and that i shouldn’t expect everyone to spoil me when i’m feeling bad. i guess i needed a reality check and he gave me that and i just feel blessed.
no more crying issa, ok?

but yeah, i’m still guilty about what i did and how i treated him. was i really mean to you?

 iloveyou, boy. take care of me. i need you more than you think i do.

just sing

no, i can’t relate to these songs
but i would like to sing them on stage one day.
i think they’re catchy

Album: Let Go

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby

Right now I feel invisible to you, like I’m not real

Didn’t you feel me lock my arms around you

Why’d you turn away?

Here’s what I have to say

I was left to cry there, waiting outside there

Burning with a lost stare

That’s when I decided

Why should I care

‘Cuz you weren’t there when I was scared

I was so alone

You, you need to listen

I’m starting to trip, I’m losing my grip

And I’m in this thing alone

Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody’s place

When you turn around can you recognize my face

You used to love me, you used to hug me

But that wasn’t the case

Everything wasn’t okay

I was left to cry there, waiting outside there

Burning with a lost stare

That’s when I decided

Crying out loud

I’m crying out loud

Crying out loud

I’m crying out loud

Open your eyes

Open up wide

Why should I care

‘Cuz you weren’t there when I was scared

I was so alone

Why should I care

‘Cuz you weren’t there when I was there

I was so alone

Why should I care

If you don’t care then I don’t care

We’re not going anywhere

Why should I care

‘Cuz you weren’t there when I was there

I was so alone

Why should I care

If you don’t care then I don’t care

i’m gonna make it bend and break
(It sent you to me without wait)
Say a prayer but let the good times roll
In case god doesn’t show
(Let the good times roll
Let the good times roll)

And I want these words to make things right
But it’s for wrongs that make the words come to life
Who does he think he is?
If that’s the worst you got, better put your fingers back to the keys

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren’t so great
He tastes like you
Only sweeter
One night and yeah, one more time
Thanks for the memories
Thanks for the memories
See, he tastes like you
Only sweeter

Been looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going back
In these crystal balls
It’s always cloudy
Except when you look into the past
One night stand
(One night stand)

They say
“I only think in the form of crunching numbers
In hotel rooms
Collecting patient lovers”
Get me out of my mind
Get you out of those clothes
I’m a letter away
From getting you into the mood


we world hatin’ tonight, bitch

i think it’s 1ish in the morning and ever since 8 something in the morning of yesterday, i have just been an emotional bitch.
i blame all this self inflicted drama on casey, though. if that pig would just wake up on time, when i tell her to wake up then i really wouldn’t have thrown bitch fits at everyone today. perhaps. maybe not. i’m just not a nice or emotionally stable person today. damn hormones.

thank god for helpers though, if it weren’t for them, no one would pick up all the clothes i threw on the floor this morning. all that drama over a shirt. tsk. tsk. i really have outdone myself. [i’m soo good at being a brat/ bitch/ princess]

anyways, whatever. i’d save myself the time and not talk about tennis because.. i basically suck and i’d rather not talk about it. except for the news about me being on the newspaper for forfeiting the 12th Gullas Cup which i didn’t even join in the first place cuz… I’M FUCKING GROUNDED.

blah blah.

and yeah, the reason why i’m blogging at 1ish in the morning is cuz i’m stealing computer time because i’m a reckless rebel [PFFFT. YEAH, RIGHT] and just because i need to write right now because JAMES fell asleep on me and basically because noone’s here for me right now. [moping in self pity. shoot me NOW]

but yeah, seriously.

i guess i just had all this anger kept in me the whole day [and not to mention fear. shitloads of fear, too.] that i just had to cry my eyes out to make myself feel better. bad pms, i guess. but no, i know it’s more than that.

i mean, it’s the whole grounded thing.i hate it so much. i can’t take it. i hate the fact that my papa is being such an asshole to me. no, not just him.. my whole family is. all they ever do is give me nasty remarks about how i am or how i act or comment on how useless i am when i’ve been doing nothing but clean my room, work in the office and watch over the siblings. all i really want is that they leave me alone.

i don’t even eat with them anymore. there’s always an excuse like, i’m sleeping, i’m not hungry or i’m done eating. idk why but i just can’t stand them and when i’m around them, all i wanna do is cry because they’re giving me such a hard time and i’m not even kidding anymore.

i guess i’m also a wreck right now cuz i haven’t seen james since i got grounded. no, i saw him with Raissa and this other girl around dinner time but that didn’t count cuz i wasn’t completely happy to see him [seeing him through a gkass window just made me miss him more thus leading to more depression] esp. with her but yeah, they’re partners for debut and i’d hate to be the jealous girlfriend who can’t get a grip. but can i help myself if i get scared? i mean, i haven’t seen him in like how many days cuz he’s been away and when he did get home, he hangs out with this girl i don’t feel safe about. but i know he had to cuz of this debut thing and i do trust him and yeah, she could be harmless but like i said, i’m a mess right now and i guess i just need him soo bad right now.

i swear to god i haven’t cried this hard since church camp. i started pinching myself and bruising myself out of frustration cuz i just couldn’t stfu. emo much? no. there was just no one to comfort me when i needed alot of it. :[

and yeah, his girl friends wanna meet me and be friends. honestly, idk if i’m up for that. idk, it’s cuz i don’t get along that much with girls and like, i’m just really insecure about the whole thing. [cakalusa, if you’re reading this.. HAHA. GIRLS ARE NATURALLY DRAMATIC AND WHINEY. DEAL WITH IT. lol] just cause i’m scared they might not like me or that idk, i’d get to know them and realize that he could be better off with one of them [and i know who] and i’m just really scared right now.

i’m such a wuss. god, i need you.

idk oie. i’m just soo stressed and frustrated about a lot of things. one is that, he always FALLS ASLEEP ON ME! and cuz he always stops replying or changes subjects when i say something .. idk, worth discussing? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA RIGHT NOW AND I JUST WANT TO DROWN. or be in his arms or cry – no, i’m already doing that again.

god i feel so bad and i feel soo hopeless and i don’t want to talk to anyone about it because i don’t want them to think that i’m some freak who can’t deal. i just need you right now or someone.i need a hug. a big one and i need some candy. i need assurance. i need to feel safe. i need him.

i need tissue i think i’ll have a hard time sleeping tonight.

i need to know that i’m going to get through this whole parents against kid shit. i need to know that putting up with the usual fighting is going to be worth it. I NEED THEM TO ACCEPT THAT I’M NOT GIVING UP ON THIS BECAUSE IT’S SOMETHING I WANT TO DO AND IT’S SOMETHING I’M HAPPY DOING.

but i’m not happy right now, Lord. HELP ME.