can you f’in make pizza like me?!

so bitches, you wanna learn how to make pizza?
step 1:

get some dough [not the money kind]

Step 2:

spread the sauce evenly around the dough
[again, not money, i’m talking about the pizza dough]

Step 3:

put cheese
[make sure you spread it all over. you might end up with a cheesless slice like mine.]

Step 4:

add the sliced ham pieces [7 on the outside and 3 on the inside. sop]

Step 5:

then you add the sliced pineapples.
finally, in any way you like!

Step 6:

then you cook / whatever it and pray to god it tastes good!

step i lost count:

open wiiiide. 😀

i’m gross, i know. but you love me anyways?????

close to breaking

the cutest thing about my bible is that it has this little portion where it features verses from the bible on specific topics.
topics like facing a death of a loved one, facing problems, graduating, blah blah, stuff like that. but among all the little cute sections they’ve set aside for me to browse upon when i need it, i’ve just realized that i’ve almost read all the verses under the “controlling your temper” section.

Lately i’ve been moody. there’re are a lot of times [too many, in fact] when i’ve been capable of being [and this is in order] normal – happy- extra happy- goofy- crazy- quiet- frustrated-pissed- mad- really mad- emo [the worse] and then back to happy and that just starts all over again. or sometimes i just start off from happy and jump to being pissed without warning.and it sucks. it just sucks. i hate being a girl and having to put up with all these emotionally unstable shit. it’s too hard. especially with school. and especially with james. [ i stretched myself cuz i don’t wanna get mad at him :(]

and i don’t wanna be the moody person i am cuz it gets hard to sum up my day. lately i can’t tell if i’ve had a generally good day or an absolutely horrible one because in a regular day, i usually experience both. now tell me, doesn’t that suck?

and now i’m just trying to turn into the girl who doesn’t care. or is the girl who is trying to be the old person she was who didn’t care. but i know that won’t solve anything. i’m too scared it might turn into something i’d regret.

lately i’ve been trying my best not to mind the fact that:
school is soo damn tiring.
i’m getting inducted on saturday and idk who’s going or if i want anyone to go for that matter
periodicals are coming up and i have to find a place to study and that place better not be home.
i hate home.
i haven’t seen my friends in the longest time and i miss them :'(
and a lot more but the lamest of all lames [as in pwede bah, issa. get a grip!]…

is that james doesn’t have school tomorrow and he’ll be at the beach/ ocean/ whatever/ water with girls and there’ll proli be drinking and shit and i won’t be there cuz i have to go to fucking school and he’ll be there with girls… [oh, i said that already? i know.]

but now, I know that i just have to keep telling myself that nothing’s going to happen
because if something would’ve happened, it would’ve happened a long time ago,
right? God , please PLEASE let me be right.

i’m soo paranoid right now but i’m a girl and i worry a lot [too much for my own good. again] and i can’t help it. and i guess i should be at least thankful to god that i have liquid eyeliner, white and black eyeliner that i impulse bought at the mall today [because the pizza making tour was moved to tomorrow and we had to kill time] and my favorite, a new sodoku book to distract me and make me at least feel better about well.. everything i’m not supposed to be thinking about.

and again. we should seriously stop texting during class because it just pisses me off soo much.

p.s.i wanna read jodi picoult’s books.

cuz it’s just as real as you want it to be.

because i want to sum up the weekend [it was awesome!]

because i want to write down how it feels having your arm around me even when i know it hurts and you can’t feel your arm anymore [aminin!]

because i love to blog

because i love blogging about you and us more

because i’m living the best times of my life right now [and hopefully forever]

because i’m always thinking of you

because i loved sitting beside you for 2 hours straight and that feeling of just knowing that you weren’t ashamed of being with me made me feel extra special. extra loved. extra real.

because i love the fact that you always have time for me

because i love how you always tell me that you love me

because i have to go

because i cannot see

because i miss you soo damn much already =(

tell me that we are always in love

yeah, idk. just a thought. it kinda got me thinking [cuz i’ve been the moody one lately] if we are always in love. like, if he can still truly say that he’s in love with me when the whole world sucks and when i’m being the mother of all bitches. idk. it’s just a thought. i can have the feeling that i’m hard to love sometimes. no, maybe most even.

honestly sometimes, i don’t know what say. like when he wakes up early in the morning, i wanna say something sweet like, “hey you. good morning. did you sleep well? i had a dream about you last night. i’m probably going to have a good day because of that, too.” but then, i don’t cuz it sounds tacky. i don’t wanna be tacky. but sometimes i love him too much that i really do end up sounding rather tacky. admit it, bik. haha.
and then there are also times when i wake him up and i really wanna yell at him because i had a bad day [yeah, i have bad mornings all the time] but then i don’t cuz, i’d really rather not flood him with my problems. they’re petty anyways. which got me thinking, how come bik never has any problems? haha. i swear, he lives the most lax life ever. or that’s what i think.

and honestly sometimes i forget that we both have our own lives and that i’m just a part of his life or that he just plays the biggest role in mine. cuz sometimes, i can’t help but wish i was with him all the time. i can’t help but wish that i knew how a regular day in his life is. how he has conversations with other people. how he thinks. etc. cuz i jusr realized that i’m not him and if i can manage to have soo many flying emotions, what about him? cuz unlike him, i think out loud so it’s easy for him (and everyone else) to know what i’m thinking or what i’m feeling or etc. cuz i write. haha. i should probably stop writing, should i? haha. not going to happen! 😛

well, anyways, this is just random word vomit. i’m starting to learn that i should really stop hanging with the guys. i don’t wanna mess up [not that i’m prone to it but i’d rather just be  sure]

why do i think this?

cuz yesterday i watched the simpsons with him and then i hung out with my guy classmates. idk. i just thought na maybe people would belittle my values because of this cuz one second i’m kissing my boyfriend and the second, i’m walking around the mall with 3 other guys. if i was someone else, i’d probably think that i was cheating. or i probably could. even if i know that i would never do something like that, idk. i just don’t feel “chillaxed” [eww] about the whole thing. i don’t want him to be with me one second and then with girls the next second. it has to start with me. i have to do all these things. and i will.

so lately, we’ve been good. i’ve been torturing him, though and he’s been unconsciously torturing me.

in some ways i’m actually happy i’m not at bagiuo. haha. on the 27th, [3 unofficial months. yey issa!] bik came over while papa was home. he watched me eat, we sat outside, talked, went inside to watch goal 2 until the fucking tv got busted and we watched miguel dance to nursery rhymes that he learned at school. [it’s nice to know that he actually learns something. haha!] and you’d think tha’d be all, but it wasn’t. we actually had coffee with my papa at coffee bean. and my papa ordered 3 cakes too! hahahha! imagine, i was wishing that for 3 months and it actually happened. it just goes to show that we need to take a jump sometimes and actually go out do something we really want. my jump for that day was actually finding the guts to ask mommy if he could come over. lol. thank you, god. :]

it just sucked that i couldn’t kiss him, though. i really wanted to. i was dying inside because he was there and i was so drawn to him but i couldn’t cuz papa was there. :[ but it’s ayt. i get to kiss him all the time. the important thing is that he was there and i got to spend the whole night with him even if he was soo tired.

btw, i’ve decided that i’m gonna start being a good sister. no matter how hard that may be. especially how hard that seems. she’s my sister. i have been one to her lately.

i’m at granny’s cuz i’m not at bagiuo and home is depressing. i’ve been busy lately with my project in accounting and i still have to print it. i’m going to take a bath and get ready now.

btw2, i talked to daddy a few hours ago. imagine that. haha. this life is too complicated.

oh!! and yeah, last night i hung out with james again! me, granny and him at paseo. my granny made him eat 4 slices of pizza. poor kid. that must’ve sucked big time. and tothink, he’s trying to loose weight.

i love you, bik. you’ve done soo much for me already. let me do something for you this time. 🙂

my dreams are slowly coming true. and i love every minute of this life. <333333333


i’m at granny’s place right now and i am soo lost. i really don’t know how i’m going to write your reaction paper about self awareness and values because 1. i wasn’t there and haha 2. it’s hard! but i’m doing it anyways. don’t worry. :p

so here it goes. you do the editing and e’ything.

I’M JUST going to write whatever comes into my mind, ok? even if this essay has to start in a question. hahaha.

James Victor L. Balagosa

Self Awareness and Values

  how the hell am i supposed to start this!?!?! mental block!!!

    Self Awareness and values. I hear people talk about it all the time. In church, we learn that in order to live good lives, we ought to base them on certain values constructed for us in order to do so. We’ve been told once or twice before that certain values such as honesty, respect, obedience and etc. are few of the many values that we ought to base our lives on in order to live good, progressive lives. But the question is, is it enough to live a life based on good values and not know who you are or exactly why you do what you are doing?

    Self awareness and good values walk hand in hand. You cannot have or live up to certain values unless you know yourself or unless you are aware of what you are doing and most importantly why (other than the reasons dictated to us). Think of it, what is the use of being a nice person to others because that’s what you’re supposed to be when inside you,  you cannot stop talking about them behind their backs? That would just make you a hypocrite and would lead you nowhere in the future.

    I guess everyone has values to remind them that in the society you simply cannot be just anyone you like. That there are certain rules of conduct that we need follow and that we have to be aware of our surroundings and the people in it. If we didn’t have values, everyone would probably be doing whatever they wanted and their would be no order in the world. Can you picture out what kind of world we would be in if this was the course of life? HAHA. I SWEAR CORNY KAAYU PAMINAWN. SAUN.

    If life is a journey, in that journey, we are bound to run into people. People who start out as strangers and eventually turn into friends, enemies, family, etc. But none of these relationships would have last or be meaningful if we do not truly know ourselves. Any person can say that he/ she is respectful, honest, obedient, caring but in the end, the important thing is not the number of times we’ve said or how convincing we may seem while saying it. It’s how we actually live our lives displaying good and truthful values.


27th tomorrow! NA NA NA NA NAAAAAAAAAH!!!! :P

Dream Big

have a lot of dreams in life but I consider most of them ambitions. I don’t
know what the difference is, really but in my own little world, the difference
is ambitions are something I want to become and dreams are things I want to
have in the future or things I want to do and the like.

we already got down with the college dream in our first essay and the marriage
thing too so what’s left to talk about concerning dreams? Hmmm. I’m so lost
right now. Haha.

here’s one. One day I dream of living a good life. [HAHA. OMG, THAT IS SOO
LAME! And not to mention typical] No seriously, I guess one of my dreams is
that one of these days I’d wake up in my very own home with the prettiest view
right outside my window next to the perfect guy (for me. not the world.) with
sleeping kids in the next room with only one thought in my head, “God, I swear
that I could die right now and you could send me straight to hell and I
wouldn’t mind, really. I’ve been living in heaven all my life anyways.” Because
the truth is simple, I only want to be truly
happy and not just me though, I’d be selfish if I didn’t wish that the
people I love would be equally happy as I am. So I wish them happiness too. And
that’s all I really need to make it through this roller coaster. (And candy!)

from that, I dream of being well-off, rich even (if possible). I dream of going
to places, a lot of places and meeting a lot of interesting people. I dream of
making a big impact on someone’s life. Hopefully that impact would be great
enough to get an “I can’t live without you” outta them. (hehe. Dream big)

aside from happiness and interesting people I can only truly wish for a life
well lived. I want to live a life where I don’t have to look back and regret
doing this or not doing that. I
don’t want to live a life knowing that I missed this opportunity nor do I want
to be in a situation where I’m about to die and the only thing I feel like I
lack is time cuz I think that’s stupid. There’s so much time out there and I
know that it’s up to me to make the most out of it. And right now, I’m trying.
Believe me, I’m trying.

cut this short, I want to live a good life. It could be a crazy life or
whatever, for as much as I care. It could be any kind of life you could imagine
as long as the bottom point is that I lived. “Live your life so the preacher
doesn’t have to lie at your funeral.” These are the words I live up to now and
they’re awesome.

going to live my life, keep dreaming and hopefully accomplish all these dreams
of mine and I’m going to do all of these with a lollipop in my right hand and a
bottle of champagne [cuz sosyal man kuno ko!] in the other. And I’ll be
screaming and laughing my head off the whole ride cuz I’m cool like that. Haha

Louise I. Chua