did i mention that i have a new phone?

and i won 2nd runner up for ms. agham [that thing i HAD to join]

james met my extended family [grandmother, grandfather, tito and tita tina]

we hit 5!!Ü

and then we fought that day. soo sad. but we’re ok now.

i joined the district meet and i won. i’m the singles champion for district V.
i’m on my way to the cebu city oympics. yeah, boy!!

and what else?

oh yeah, STC Intramurals. so much school stuff to do PLUS our intrams that’s coming up and i’m soo behind from skipping too many classes and shit. rarr.

i’d love to update more but yeah, i’m busy. still. 🙁

entertain yourselves.

here.

those are the worst. and i’ve been thinking about both the whole day.
* god, enlighten me.

ok let me start…

so yeah, i guess i’m really REALLY beginning to realize that you really can’t trust anyone. no matter how many times they tell you that you can or no matter how much you think you can because the reality that i now choose to believe is that, there realy is no such thing as “trust”.

i don’t know much about trust. the only thing i know about it is that i trust you with my heart and i hope that’s enough.

i wrote that a few months ago for james and i’m thinking about it now and i’m thinking… maybe it’s not so much on the “trusting” him with my heart but it’s more about the giving it to him and hoping and counting that he knows what he’s supposed to do with it.

i am simply in denial about the entire exitense of such a thing called “trust”

but yeah. what is trust, really? telling someone something and knowing that that person would keep it to him or herself until the day he/she died? or at least until it was safe to speak out? because that’s impossible and i can enumerate a lot of reasons why this is so.

one is simply because people have the inabiity to STFU.

so who is there to tell all our secrets and fears and wishes and dreams to?

[note: james is excluded from all these ques.]

i learned recently that i have to be very careful about the things i choose to tell people. i also learned that the older you get, the less trust worthy you become.

but whatever. the secret’s out and there’s really no point in keeping it in anyways.

tonight mommy asked me if i regretted transferring to mmch.

i said,

“all the time.”

but really. i’m still kinda confused if i regret it or not. mmch isn’t such a bad place to be in. i guess.

i can’t lie. i miss it there soo soo much. that place, those walls – they feel like home to me. it reminds me of who i used to be and it reminds me of so many experiences in my life that i’m never going to forget – ever. it’s like, i compare it to my school now and it is so easy for me to conclude that i am never going to remember mmch as much as i’m going to remember stc. and i’m a girl so it’s no suprise that i’m so sentimental about that place.

and it’s been 3 years already and i’ve hardly gotten over this.

so, do i regret it? i really want to say yes, i do but then i want to live a life where i don’t have to have any regrets.i want to live a life where i am able to say that i made my own decisions and whether i am truly happy or not, it has molded me into a better person.

but screw that. hell yeah, i guess i do regret moving.

don’t get me wrong, i love my new friends but being left behind from all that high school drama and being able to be with my friends everyday until i’m practically sick of their faces is something i really miss. and i guess i miss it because it doesn’t matter where i go, i know that i’m never going to find another group of people like them. and to be deprived of that opportunity really does make you regret.

sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i stayed. and i’m scared to think that if i did stay, i’d be the same rotten girl i used to be when i was there. i’m scared that if i chose to stay, i’d still be lost and confused and hurting. and i look at the situation i’m in now and i can’t help but feel a little bit more secure than i’ve ever been before.

high school should just end right now, you know? so i wouldn’t have to be feeling this way. so i wouldn’t feel so rotten and pms striken.

i swear. i hate being a girl sometimes.

geez.

i’m done moping.

XoXo.

[because hugs are better than kisses]

i’m listenning to music on james’s iPod right now. [btw, i still don’t know where my pod is or who has it. this MIGHT be a problem. hehe] and aside from rnb songs and paramore, i really cannot relate to any of james’s songs. i’m listenning to “hips don’t lie” right. i am clearly sending my point out loud and clear. haha.

so i’ve been back home for 3 days already and i cleary owe whoever cares an explanation. no, a story rather. lol.

so yeah. i hate how i said that i would stay there for a month [the least] and i ended coming back home a week after. but there were soo many things to consider like, how my granny would eductae me and where she’d get the money. plus, i couldn’t just keep hiding from my dad like that. not that i haven’t done it before but there was more at risk. like, if he found out then there’d be a really big problem and he’d become a part of something that was really none of his business.

or maybe i’m just saying that to seem less like a loser. lol.

anywyas, my last weekend was pretty awesome. let’s see… i almost got drunk [i hardly ever go all the way. boo hoo] and then granny told me she was at some party with her friends to find out that she was a my other grandparents place discussing the whole me leaving the house with the whole family. [grandparents, siblings, aunt, unlce, mother, father]

sweet.

and then the next day papa called up and asked if he coud pick me up so we coud talk. then yeah, that’s what we did. i asked him to read an email first though. i hav a copy of it. i don’t know if i should post it though. i won’t be loosing anything anyways so maybe i will. james hasn’t read it yet [not that it matters] but maybe he should. so maybe i should post the email here. anywyas. so he picked me up and i told him i wasn’t going to go home yet and that i needed to be with granny cuz annie’s in manila cuz apparently my grandfather is dying. like i care. does i really matter? he doesn’t even know me. seriously.

but yeah, t o make a very long story short, i’m back home and my life has been better than ever. i’m just tired from teenis training and school and everything else i have to balance. life is kinda hard. :[ sigh.

but the whole james and issa thing is turning out really good. ast night, me, james and the parens had dinner at kotie [jap. food] and then we went to sunflower to play billiards and then we went home and watched disturbia. it was really great and i just fell more inlove with him. just when i thought it wasn’t possible anymore. <3

you already know who i am