well, it feels like forever

my god, how long has it been? i’ve been dying to blog in like, FOREVER! soo much stuff has happened that i kinda lost track of all the things i wanted to write about in the past few weeks/ days or my god, seriously, HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?

did i mention that i have a new phone?

and i won 2nd runner up for ms. agham [that thing i HAD to join]

james met my extended family [grandmother, grandfather, tito and tita tina]

we hit 5!!Ü

and then we fought that day. soo sad. but we’re ok now.

i joined the district meet and i won. i’m the singles champion for district V.
i’m on my way to the cebu city oympics. yeah, boy!!

and what else?

oh yeah, STC Intramurals. so much school stuff to do PLUS our intrams that’s coming up and i’m soo behind from skipping too many classes and shit. rarr.

i’d love to update more but yeah, i’m busy. still. 🙁

entertain yourselves.


the two worst thoughts in the world

the thought that there is really no one you can trust in this world and the thought [or feeling] of regret.

those are the worst. and i’ve been thinking about both the whole day.
* god, enlighten me.

ok let me start…

so yeah, i guess i’m really REALLY beginning to realize that you really can’t trust anyone. no matter how many times they tell you that you can or no matter how much you think you can because the reality that i now choose to believe is that, there realy is no such thing as “trust”.

i don’t know much about trust. the only thing i know about it is that i trust you with my heart and i hope that’s enough.

i wrote that a few months ago for james and i’m thinking about it now and i’m thinking… maybe it’s not so much on the “trusting” him with my heart but it’s more about the giving it to him and hoping and counting that he knows what he’s supposed to do with it.

i am simply in denial about the entire exitense of such a thing called “trust”

but yeah. what is trust, really? telling someone something and knowing that that person would keep it to him or herself until the day he/she died? or at least until it was safe to speak out? because that’s impossible and i can enumerate a lot of reasons why this is so.

one is simply because people have the inabiity to STFU.

so who is there to tell all our secrets and fears and wishes and dreams to?

[note: james is excluded from all these ques.]

i learned recently that i have to be very careful about the things i choose to tell people. i also learned that the older you get, the less trust worthy you become.

but whatever. the secret’s out and there’s really no point in keeping it in anyways.

tonight mommy asked me if i regretted transferring to mmch.

i said,

“all the time.”

but really. i’m still kinda confused if i regret it or not. mmch isn’t such a bad place to be in. i guess.

i can’t lie. i miss it there soo soo much. that place, those walls – they feel like home to me. it reminds me of who i used to be and it reminds me of so many experiences in my life that i’m never going to forget – ever. it’s like, i compare it to my school now and it is so easy for me to conclude that i am never going to remember mmch as much as i’m going to remember stc. and i’m a girl so it’s no suprise that i’m so sentimental about that place.

and it’s been 3 years already and i’ve hardly gotten over this.

so, do i regret it? i really want to say yes, i do but then i want to live a life where i don’t have to have any regrets.i want to live a life where i am able to say that i made my own decisions and whether i am truly happy or not, it has molded me into a better person.

but screw that. hell yeah, i guess i do regret moving.

don’t get me wrong, i love my new friends but being left behind from all that high school drama and being able to be with my friends everyday until i’m practically sick of their faces is something i really miss. and i guess i miss it because it doesn’t matter where i go, i know that i’m never going to find another group of people like them. and to be deprived of that opportunity really does make you regret.

sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i stayed. and i’m scared to think that if i did stay, i’d be the same rotten girl i used to be when i was there. i’m scared that if i chose to stay, i’d still be lost and confused and hurting. and i look at the situation i’m in now and i can’t help but feel a little bit more secure than i’ve ever been before.

high school should just end right now, you know? so i wouldn’t have to be feeling this way. so i wouldn’t feel so rotten and pms striken.

i swear. i hate being a girl sometimes.


i’m done moping.


[because hugs are better than kisses]

the scare factor

last summer, me and gerlie were chatting and i randomly started our random conversation just like any other random conversation i had that day/night/something. you know, with an “what’s up?” [or something. you get the idea. you’re not retarded. or at least i hope you’re not. lol] and then she told me she was looking at this website where people expose their secrets but in a really interesting way, though. they make pictures about their secrets and then they submit it to the administrator and then that person posts them, i guess. it was a really interesting site. [ i just forgot the website. i have to ask her again. soon. i’ll really try to remember.]

but yeah. anyways, there were tons of secrets about prandom people that were really interesting, the pictures especially. but among those pictures, there was one that was pretty boring for me but it caught my attention not because of the picture but because it had something written on it that just felt so real and so piercing that i knew that i had to keep save it. because i could relate. [aha! that was straight to the point. i didn’t have to add pretty words to it either. go issa!]

it’s actually kinda pornographic for me, too. lol. but yeah, i just love it and i guess i’m posting it [w/o permission, btw. HAHA] because i know that a lot of other girls [and guys, proli] can relate, too. because as much as i want to be the sarcastic little *itch that i’ve learned to love oh-so-much, i can’t deny that for the longest time, i wanted everyone to believe that i hated love or that i didn’t believe in it. i wanted people to think that i was too good for it or i wanted them to think that i thought it was overrtaed or that if there was such a thing as love, it wasn’t for me. i wanted to be the person who didn’t value relationships the way girls did simply because i was tired of getting hurt and i was tired of liking [maybe even loving]  someone who wouldn’t give that kind of love back.

but the truth is, the more i kept making people believe that, the more hungry i became. the more i craved for it and the more hurt i became because that thing i wanted, that little piece of sweetness in my life just wasn’t coming for me. and if it was, it wasn’t going in the right direction.

and the thing is, the more you say you don’t want something like that, the reality is, that in the inside, you’ve never wanted anything more. and that’s just it. and i guess you guys know what i mean.

but then, i guess i got lucky because someone did prove me wrong. [and i won’t say who. as if it wasn’t obvious enough. pffft.] i guess there was one person who felt exactly the same way i did and felt like he was that person who was going to make me believe it even if maybe he didn’t at first. i guess there was this person who knew exactly what i wanted and knew that he was supposed to give it to me no matter how crazy it would seem for us or for everyone else. [not like i care but yeah. lol]

and i’ve learned that when you’re busted – dude, you’re busted and there’s just no getting out of it. and i got busted. but look at me now, i’ve never been happier [despite all the **** [ii can’t help it] i’ve been through already]

i guess i learned that when you’re there and you know it’s your time to be wrong and it’s your time to be proven wrong, the best thing to do is to just give in and pray to god that it’ll be worth it in the end. and it usually is.

and it actually feels good to be proven wrong for once. just for once, though. i like being right most of the time ;]

i’ve always believed that we have to screw up and get hurt and probably even bleed so badly before we finally get to be with that one person we’re meant to be with for the rest of our lives. i’ve always  believed that we had to go through all these just to we woud really know how lucky we are and how blessed we are so that we would know how much we were willing to fight for that person because we couldn’t stand not being with them. and quite frankly, i aways believed in love. i was just waiting for someone to prove me wrong and now that i have, i wouldn’t give it up for world.

i’m not saying i’m completely right. i’m not saying that i’m wrong either.
i’m saying that i got lucky. and everyone else is bound to get their share of luck too. even if you keep telling the world you won’t.

issa. x]

not that you really wanted to know …

it’s a saturday evening and i’m just at home. james has fallen asleep on me and i have to make this font extra big cuz everything seems blurry right now. maybe because i played tennis 5 hours straight the church the whole afternoon then hung out with the family and i’ve been watching one tree hill and fixing my room and maybe i just really need to rest right now. or maybe my astigmatism is back. you know.. since last last friday.

i’m listenning to music on james’s iPod right now. [btw, i still don’t know where my pod is or who has it. this MIGHT be a problem. hehe] and aside from rnb songs and paramore, i really cannot relate to any of james’s songs. i’m listenning to “hips don’t lie” right. i am clearly sending my point out loud and clear. haha.

so i’ve been back home for 3 days already and i cleary owe whoever cares an explanation. no, a story rather. lol.

so yeah. i hate how i said that i would stay there for a month [the least] and i ended coming back home a week after. but there were soo many things to consider like, how my granny would eductae me and where she’d get the money. plus, i couldn’t just keep hiding from my dad like that. not that i haven’t done it before but there was more at risk. like, if he found out then there’d be a really big problem and he’d become a part of something that was really none of his business.

or maybe i’m just saying that to seem less like a loser. lol.

anywyas, my last weekend was pretty awesome. let’s see… i almost got drunk [i hardly ever go all the way. boo hoo] and then granny told me she was at some party with her friends to find out that she was a my other grandparents place discussing the whole me leaving the house with the whole family. [grandparents, siblings, aunt, unlce, mother, father]


and then the next day papa called up and asked if he coud pick me up so we coud talk. then yeah, that’s what we did. i asked him to read an email first though. i hav a copy of it. i don’t know if i should post it though. i won’t be loosing anything anyways so maybe i will. james hasn’t read it yet [not that it matters] but maybe he should. so maybe i should post the email here. anywyas. so he picked me up and i told him i wasn’t going to go home yet and that i needed to be with granny cuz annie’s in manila cuz apparently my grandfather is dying. like i care. does i really matter? he doesn’t even know me. seriously.

but yeah, t o make a very long story short, i’m back home and my life has been better than ever. i’m just tired from teenis training and school and everything else i have to balance. life is kinda hard. :[ sigh.

but the whole james and issa thing is turning out really good. ast night, me, james and the parens had dinner at kotie [jap. food] and then we went to sunflower to play billiards and then we went home and watched disturbia. it was really great and i just fell more inlove with him. just when i thought it wasn’t possible anymore. <3

you already know who i am


    Let Me Fall
– Bethany Joy Lenz

It’s October again

leaves are coming down

one more year has come and gone

and nothings changed at all

wasn’t I
supposed to be someone

who can face the things I’ve been running from

let me feel

I don’t care if I breakdown

let me fall

even if I hit the ground

and if I

cry a little

die a little

at least I know I lived

just a little

I’ve become much too good

at being invincible

I’m an expert

at play it safe

and keep it cool

but I swear

this isn’t who I’m meant to be

I refuse to let my life roll over me

I wanna be somebody

I wanna be somebody

I wanna be somebody

I wanna be somebody

who can face the things that I’ve been running from

Always Love
Nada Surf

To make a mountain of your life

Is just a choice

But I never learned enough

To listen to the voice that told me

Always love

Hate will get you every time

Always love

Dont wait til the finish line

Slow demands come ’round

Squeeze the air and keep the rest out

It helps to write it down

Even when you then cross it out

But Always Love
Hate will get you every time

Always Love

Even when you wanna fight

Self-directed lives

I want to know what it’d be like to

Aim so high above

Any card that you’ve been dealt, you…

Always love

Verical Horizon

Echo, echo…

We come, we go
No I don’t want to be just another

, echo…

Everywhere I go

There’s something I really need

Everyone I know

Is someone I want to be

Even though

I don’t really know me

I better pick it up

Before I let it slip away

I better stick it out

Before I take another day

Into mouth

Everything I say fades out

Echo, echo…
We come, we go-woah
No I don’t want to be just another
Echo, echo…

Can I open up your eyes?

Only when the clouds break?

Can I feel the light?

Even though the world shakes

Every night,

You’re my quiet satellite

Can I hold you close?

Do her out of focus

And everything I know

I don’t even know this

It all falls through

I’m here and I hear you

Echo, echo…
We come, we go-woah
No I don’t want to be just another
Echo, echo…

this is the life …

i just came home from the mall and from kenji’s party. my whole day practically rocked. except for some parts of it.

when i went home to get the rest of my stuff
when i cried because i heard about what was going on at home with me away
when me and james fought and i was screaming at timezone cuz i was so pissed.
when i ran into my tita
when today ended :[

and yeah. i got my little taste of rebellion. ALMOST got wasted tonight. haha. thank jeebuz for boracays and for tequila’s and for James who never leaves me alone. i’m such a baby. i need a baby sitter and everything. holy macaroni.

we had a really good night together. i mean, i got to have fun with my friends and after that i got to hang out with him and just have our own time together and talk about all the shit that’s been going on in my life. [my life ra. his life i practically perfect.it makes me jealous. i’m the only thing not perfect about it.] which leads me to this prayer. [because we’re scared that my mom would tell his parents and then that just wouldn’t be good. that would just be good-bye issa and james]


    ok, maybe this is so hard for us because maybe we’re too young to be “in love”. but god, you were the one who gave him to me during your time and this is probably the only thing i’d go against my parents for. because everything else would either be stupid or irrational. my life is so screwed right now and it kinda feels like i’m loosing everything. it feels like you’re putting me to the ultimate test to see if i can make it through. god, i swear i won’t do anything stupid – if you just let me keep him. [i don’t mean to give conditions and i know you have your reasons for doing things but if he wasn’t in my life i honestly wouldn’t understand those reasons ever and i proli couldn’t pass this test] he’s the only thing that keeps me strong. you know my heart, lord and everything that’s in it so you know that i’m not lying or just saying this.
god, i know what i did was stupid but i have my reasons and you know all without me having to list them down. and god, i know what my parents can do. you made them strong people. but not as strong as you. god, please don’t let them ruin this for me. it’s the only thing i can actually pray for right now. because if eveyrthing’s ok with me and him, then everything’s going to be ok with everyone else.
i know i’m such a selfish person putting my boyfriend ahead of my family. god, i love my family but when i felt like i didn’t have one, he was always there for me and he made me feel like he was. and he is. you know what i want with him, lord. and i’m praying, that by your will, that actually gets to happen.
i guess he’s my modern day god. maybe that’s my sin. and i feelbad because i’ve slipped away again and i’m running back to you when everything’s a mess. i hope you’d still take me in and make everything all right.
i don’t wanna go home but i want us to be alright.
i hope that’s what you have planned for me.


issa <-3

p.s. i got a new dress today. who thought, you leave your house, you get a new dress? life is something. something wild.

let’s just live, ok?

the best times and the worst times

i just got home from school today. school was… something. i think today’s emo week. yumi’s in the hospital right now, internal hemorage [idk how to spell it] basta, moa na nah xa.

people at school know about me leaving the house. they know because i cried. i cried because god, remembering everything that happened makes me go crazy and that just makes me cry.

aside from that, school was ayt, i guess. i slept on the floor most of the day cuz i was tired. well, who wouldn’t be??

so yeah. i’m at home [from now on, grany’s place will be referred to as home] right now and james is coming over in a bit. he’s bringing his one tree hill dvd’s and we’re going to watch it together cuz i left mine at my old house [note: old house] and i’m so bored and i wanna spend time with him. he’s my happy pill right now and forever. <33

granny dared me not to see him for 2 days. and i said no. HAHA. she’s fun. she kept teasing me and she made me shout and slap her knee. haha. and then she told me that if he comes over today, he can’t come over tomorrow and i said that that was fine cuz i have a party to go to tomorrow anyways and i told her that if he’d be there, i’d tell her.

it’s so much easier like this. you know, i can tell granny stuff. and even if she says no, i’ll still get my way. HAHA. sometimes though i wonder if i should still lie about some tiny details, though. just because i’m soo used to it. but then i don’t want to lie to grany cuz she already took me in when my mom didn’t want me or when i didn’t want to be with her anymore and the last thing i can do for her is to give her my honesty.

besides, she isn’t dramatic like my parents. so i can chilll. :p

i’m better now. i miss the kids so much though. so so much it sucks 🙁