i hate fucking october!

god, i don’t get it anymore. i seriously don’t get it anymore.

stupid thoughts for the night?

why didn’t i smoke that cigarette?

why didn’t i drink from that bottle?

tonight was completely worthless. it’s 1 am, i just got home. i’ve had the worst night ever.
and i went through all that shit completely CLEAN?! fuck that!
no, i’ve got a lot of second hand smoke in my system. i still have a shot.

but enough of the sarcastic humor that only I can appreciate.

it just really hurts right now and acting like this is probably the only way i can make my feel better.
but i’m not working because i’m stil crying anyways.

october, i hate you!

god, i hate what we’ve become and it’s starting to make me think that maybe i’m not cut out for this.
there’s too much bitch in me to love another person. to be perfect for him, to make him want to be with me [if possible, forever],
maybe i’m just too bad at living to actually make something work. i basically suck at life. someone should’ve made a manual
and sent it to me. i need that.

that’s what i want for my birthday.

i’m soo ignorant.

he doesn’t deserve me.

he doesn’t deserve someone who’s a bitch

he doesn’t deserve a dumb girl

he doesn’t deserve someone who walks out on him

or someone who wants to be with him all the time.

he doesn’t deserve someone soo needy like me.

he doesn’t deserve someone who’s screwed up soo many times before and can never seem to make things right.

and i,

yes, i’m beating myself up

i simply do not deserve him.

maybe i’m too wrong to ever be right.

i need someone right now. again.

i don’t think i’m gonna be able ti nake it, not tonight. it just hurts like fucking hell.

I can feel the pressure

As long as i keep myself busy and as long as everyone else keeps themselves busy, i won’t have to worry about anyone remembering that it’s my birthday. and so far, everyone, including myself is and i’m pretty sure they’ll stay busy until the28th and then my problem is over. lol.

i’ve been pilled up with term paper making [mine and mary anne’s group. yes, they’re paying me], Les Mis practices, Cheer dance [yeah bitch, i joined], volleyball , tennis practices [which i’ve been so terrible bad at lately] and to top off all this glorious hecticness, james. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! [god. not good. lol]

around 15 people’re coming over after lunch to practice for les mis and then we’re gonna have the recording and then idk, i hope by then i’ll still have time to hang out with james. we kinda need the time, lately we’ve just been two big disappointments. yes, that’s what i’d like to call ourselves, disappointments. </3

idk na gyud. lately he’s been acting soo weird. pushy. demanding. hot headed. a tad bit unreasonable. i’d like to sad i’m getting tired of it all just so i can get out but i can’t because well, maybe i am a bit tired but i’m holding on. maybe october is just a bad month for us, idk. i hope so, though. i feel like crying. that’s the most frequent thing i’ve been doing this whole week. someone shoot me.

i think we’re fighting again. i don’t know what’s wrong with us. it’s sad, really.

god, help.

have you ever been jealous? [duh]
no. have you ever been soo extremely jealous that you could actually barf?
i have. and it’s sad.

and i blame the music.
i blame the music for sure.
fcuk it.

why’d you have to sound soo cool with all your eagle screeching and shit? huh?
why’d you have to make my life soo miserable?
i’m giving in. this sucks.

i wanna dance.
me </3

what will become of me?

all these pictures were taken on sunday when me and james were arguing. i don’t think i’ve ever camwhored in a while and this does not even push the boundaries of “vain” considering the lack of facial expressions, poses and hand gestures. [i only have one peace sign there and nothing else]

edit: two peace signs

and just so you know, i don’t have a folder full of pictures of my face nor do i have any of these pictures in my phone either. i erased them. i don’t enjoy making my face as my wallpaper like some people.
i was just bored and needed an output.

but i’d do it again. once my face looks – better.

something i’ve never known

it’s a sunday and it could probably be the best sunday’s i’ve had so far [though i know it’s not] or it could probably be the worst so far. i think it’s somewhere in the middle.

i guess it’s just a regular lazy sunday except i got a lot of things done today.

1. went to church
2. bought new shoes
3. had my picture taken
4. helped casey study
5. did james’s homework thing
6. blah blah blah

idk. today basically sucked. i was holding james’s hand in church and i was thinking to myself, i have to make it right because this is the last time i’m seeing him for the week and then my hell starts again but then when you’re pissed, i guess you just can’t control what you’re thinking or what you say or you just can’t control anything.

    i think we were on the verge of breaking up today. or maybe he was and i was just waiting for him to do it. but he didn’t and i don’t know why. right now, it just feels like we’re not together even if we are. for me, at least. i haven’t been in the mood to text or talk to him the whole day because i’ve been hung up and depressed and i just want to know if he really did want to break up with me and are we still together tonight only because i wouldn’t and he doesn’t “break up” with girls.

idk, today just fucking sucks and i wish it would get better but i know that it can’t and it probably won’t.

i threw a coin in the fountain at ayala today. and i wished for 2 and only 2 things:
1. that we’d be ok
2. that there’s still hope for this always and forever thing.

sad sunday. perfect. that’s what i’m calling today.

i’m lost and i need those beautiful words i’ve been dying to hear the whole day.

i wish i wasn’t so paranoid.

fucking hell, i wish i didn’t care soo much.

whatever. this is  pathetic and not to mention depressing.

i’m scared i might loose everything i have in one second. i don’t trust myself or anyone else and that one thing i need right now is to feel safe.

Let’s be real

my new philosophy about dad:
    “you give me P5,000.00 a month and i’ll be good to you.”

my philosophy on life:
    “just don’t trust. period.”

do you know what people’s problems are?
    they conclude that just because you got into a big fight on the bus the day before and just because it leaked out and just because you’re not going to dance anymore and just because you got called by the teacher and just because you had probably the 3rd oddest conference in your life [first with the chua and perez’s (summer), kathya and then this] and just because you have no one to hang out with and just because people just started noticing, they just go ahead and think [and say] that your officially “sad” and miserable when the truth is, i’m not.

    i dont care about not leaving any foot prints behind at my high school because half of the people you ask don’t even know that that fucking school exists.

    i don’t care that i don’t get to dance because it’s just a batch name. i have a more important job to do. cebu city olymmpics. something that yumi and her long chin could NEVER beat.

    i don’t care that i won’t be able to dance this year because i’ll be in college soon that means parties wit lots of dancing and  lots of dancing for PE.
    and i’d like to say that it’s just dancing but unfortunately, to me, it’s not just dancing.

    and i don’t care that i’m not talking to jet because i never liked him and i find great comfort in knowing that nobody really does either.

    and i don’t care that i’m not talking to kathya because i’ve gone 6 months without talking to her and trust me, i can do it again. this time, without the break down.

    and i don’t care that i’m not talking to josh because HE among everyone else i’ve mentioned let me down and hurt me the most. he left me alone because he chose his girlfriend over his best friend [again]. he never came up to me to comfort me or talk to me or even bother to be human enough to fix our problems.

    i hate people. i really really do.

    and i don’t care if the seniors loose and if i let down a lot of people by refusing to dance even if me and yumi are on neutral grounds. i don’t care. people disappoint people. it’s my turn to let everyone else down and feel pretty damn good about myself because i do. god, i swear i do.

    if we loose, well, you did say you could do it yourself.

    so good luck with the rest of your lives, bitches.

    i’ll be driving in 3 weeks or so.

    and still i’m forgetting it’s my birthday.

A Feew Reasons why I Love Bik and ONLY Bik

1. because of THIS ^ smile.
2. because i now know what he’d look like with shaped eyebrows.
    [are those shaped or do you just look like your sister?]
3. because i love his shirt here.
4. because bike riders are sooo fetch [shoot me for using that word].

1. because of this ^ smile
2. because if he didn’t look so retarded and not to mention, high in this picture, you’d notice how he’s the most attractive one. [guess that makes me lucky? :>]
3. because he really does look fat and odd looking here. [that’s MY type. hahahahaha. some type.]

1. because of this^ smile.
2. because he looks buck toothed here.
3. because he looks like he used to be fatter and therefore, squishier to hug.
    [and i know one day he’ll be fatter and he’d be such a good pillow]

1. because of this^ smile
2. and because he looks retarded here [and only I can love this retarded face. so yeah!]

1. because of this ^ smile / look
2. because if he’s trying to look seductive OR sexy, it isn’t working and i doubt it ever will so i am comforted by the fact that he CANNOT pull off a sexy look even if he tried. [and i know because i’ve seen his other looks and god. not pretty!]

and reason 38,647,856,985,789 :
because i just love him unconditionally and it’s pretty gross. but i don’t seem to care.

most hated

have you ever been in a room so full of angry people? yes, i’m sure you have. well, have you ever been in a room filled with angry people who’re mad at YOU? i have. not once. many times, in fact [yes, i tend to be a bitch like that] but today, i just got a little reminder about how much that SUCKS.

and the worse feeling in the world is that, there was no one in that entire room to make me feel better or like i could get through. not even my best friend/s. all i felt in that room were people who wanted to know the details of what was happening to get a little entertainment in their lives.

probably karma from being such a mother fucking saddist. geez.

i think i’ve just had the worst 2 days of my high school life – ever. but i guess it’s bearable because i’m in my senior year and i’ll be saying my g’byes to their sorry asses in a few months anyways. but still. not the point. i swear. i don’t think i’ve ever been this mad, pride striken and MAD so far. i mean, i am completely aware that i am being a bitch to almost everyone in my batch but that’s just because i don’t care, really. they make my life complicated, i do the same – times two. [i like to believe i’m capable of doing so.]

and all this over a fucking cheer dance.

now, i don’t know who’s to blame. i don’t care. i said things i probably shouldn’t have said and yumi said some things she shouldn’t have said either. she just probably likes it when people’re are crawling. let’s see if you can do such an awesome job yourself since dancing is YOUR passion.

yeah, like it’s not mine either. fuck.

but you know what? it kinda doesn’t matter because i’m backing out of the whole dancing thing and along with that, i am refusing to have our workers sew their stupid costumes, too. and i’m still trying to find a way to convince my aunt not to do the varsity and batch’s volleyball AND basketball jerseys either. god, help me do this. [although i doubt he will considering the fact that god doesn’t grant such prayers. but i’m still praying for it anyways]

i swear, if i was powerful i’d probably have someone burn down their houses. HAHA.

honestly, i don’t mind that people are mad at me and that they are hating me. hell, i’m annoyed by everyone just the same. i’m just pissed cuz my friends’re taking sides. :[ some friends i have. and because once again, i CANNOT trust ANYONE.

a lot of people’re going around and saying that i’m full of myself. i know i am. it’s my defense mechanism. you treat me like shit, i treat you like i’m better than you. that’s how i live and i’m not sorry for that. whatever. high school sucks. i’m really for it to end.

but anyways, yeah yeah. i’m practically the most hated person in my batch right now and that doesn’t bother me. what bothers me is that , i have to go through all of this alone.

i wish i didn’t have to go to school tomorrow or that we’d be pilled with heaps of shit. i wish for that.

and also that yumi bumps her head and gets a hemorage and DIES.