i just want to cry my eyes out tonight. my chest is gaping. i want to die

i’m scared to admit it to anybody cuz i’m scared that if i do tell anybody, i could actually be true. but i doubt that it could be true in a million years but i can’t escape the fact that maybe it is. i don’t know what to do anymore 🙁

god, i just hope i’m wrong.

i came home drunk last night and my parent’s just laughed and teased me about it. haha.

last night was awesome. haha. well, except the part where i got drunk. haha.

my glowstick hasn’t died out yet, so does that mean it’s still on?

in my case, you haven’t said it enough.

yk, sometimes i get so confused with this whole boyfriend girlfriend thing even if i’ve been doing it for almost a year already. i mean, it’s so hard to be able to do things that you used to do when you weren’t in one that aren’t even bad esp. when you’re boyfriend thinks it a complete violation of your trust agreements or whatever it is you two have agreed on.

sometimes i think it’s too much to handle but i know that i’m just not the giving up type.

it’s 10 days before james’s birthday and i’m just so stressed out right now. ugh. i haven’t gotten him a gift or anything pa and i don’t even have that much money to buy him a gift. ugh. plus it’ll be our anniversary this month, too AND my papa’s birthday. oh, i’m so dead.

i don’t want to think about what happened today because it’ll just bring me down more. i could say i don’t care because honestly, i really don’t. what happened happened and it was just crystal clear proof that i will never be enough for him. even if that’s the only thing i really want. to be ENOUGH.

whatever. i’m a screw up. that’s just who i am. one big major disappointment.

woah. i feel like i haven’t blogged in a year or something. idk, i guess i just really didn’t have the time or maybe i did but i just didn’t want to blog cuz our computer’s so frickin’ SLOW!! but i don’t have to worry about that right now cuz i’m at my grandmothers house right now using her iBook. yeah, my granny has a laptop and i don’t. i’m still trying to get my useless dad to get me one as a graduation gift but so far, not so good. lmao.

i have tennis clinic tomorrow. the last clinic ever. 🙁
i’m going to make the most out of this summer. haha.

if you’re wondering why i’m here, i’m here cuz i just wasted 3 hours of my life watching a TOTO concert with my aunt, granny and james. [hey, i only went cuz the tickets were free!] i was bored throughout the whole concert that i actually started playing with the glowsticks that they handed out at the start of the concert and finishing a whole bag of ruffles [not the sour cream and cheese, though] 🙁

well, today was pretty eventful. well, the past 2 days have been eventful, really. yesterday i hung out with my friends at casino espanol, ultima and robinsons with JUST the girls. that was pretty different from a lot of things that’ve been up in my life because for once, it was just the girls and i. no james. def. a first. yeah, i missed him but yk, you always need your friends.

today i enrolled at my college with James, nina and vince. i didn’t mind having james around cuz 1st, he did all the work for me [i’m such a princess,i love it] and secondly cuz i know he has issues with vince [even if it happened SOOOO long ago] so, if he didn’t come, we’d probably fight. lmao. and 3rd well, cuz i was starting to miss him. probably cuz i’ve been stuck at home having to watch over miguel while he has a fever. it was kinda like nurse training so that was cool cuz i knew i was doing a good job. lmao.

have you ever been in that situation where you wished for something and when it finally happens, you finally end up wishing that you never wished for it in the first place? HAHA.

all the time.

btw, i went inside the casino today. and almost lost my phoneSS. oh well. now i know. :p

anyways,    it’s 2:30 and i need to be up at 9 so, i gotta bounce.

i’ll update soon.

btw, i ran into some high school batchmates of mine after the concert and it was weird. i think i won’t miss it that much afterall. maybe bits of it but yeah, college just feels so exciting. esp. cuz i’ll be with my STC friends.

[amanda, STC’s my old school, i used to go to an all girls catholic school but i moved cuz i kept getting in trouble with the teachers and it was hard for me to erase my grade school “not so good” records and i spent the rest of my high school at MMIS/ MMCH. i was never really close to the people there so yeah. just felt like going over it with you cuz i know you’re the only person who reads my blog. HAHA.]

ayt. bye!!