i don’t understand what’s wrong with me anymore. i feel so incompetent. I’m failing horribly at school and nothing is going right. i study and study and study but i still fail. I’m never enough. i feel like i’m not good enough or i’m not cut out to be a nurse after all. But it’s stupid because i know that i can be whatever i want because i used to be good at whatever i put my head into. I used to be someone who was smart and who made the right decisions but now i feel like i’m just floating around in this nothingness waiting for something big to happen when i know for sure it won’t.
i don’t understand why i keep failiing. I don’t get why i suck at everything i do. and most of all, i don’t know why i can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t know why when i’m supposed to be doing one thing i think about you and how scared i am to see you and how i’m scared that you might hurt me.
i wish there was some way i could escape you.
it doesn’t matter to me that i don’t see you or that i don’t hear from you every single second of every single day. It doesn’t bother me that i’m not the first thing on your mind nor am i the last nor am i in between. It doesn’t make me feel less of a person that we are two complete strangers in a relationship. only because none of these things have fully sunken yet. But i know one day i will and i will want better because we always want what we can’t have and we always want what we do not deserve.
but the last thing i want is to be this sort of conveniency to you because i know what you want and i know what you would do to get it. When my phone rings and it’s you i stop to wonder if it’s a good call or a bad call. usually it’s the latter. You are all the same and i do not want to be your toy. I just want to be loved. loved the way i’ve never been loved. I’m tired of being your toy..
at the school internet cafe where they charge us 25.00 pesos a fucking hour when i could use the internet for FREE at the library if i only had the time to get my id validated. unfortunately, i don’t have the time and will power to do it so yeah, i guess 50.00 is going to be wasted todayy. lol
so yeah.. school’s been a bitch and my head really REALLY hurts right now. i made a silly video on tyra’s laptop today and i am going to post that on my youtube. so far i have 18 subbies and that makes me one of the happiest people in the world right now. it probably not much at all but it’s something to me. so in the end, it still means something.
i finally met kiona the other day and it was surisingly pleasant. lol. she’s weird in ways and she talks like she’s in pain or like her brain doesn’t process information enough or something like that. but yeah, she’s my sister. :] i really do want to get to know her and i proli will but it’ll take a lot of time cuz you know me with people. i’m just not good at it.
And mike. I’m at a point where i’m getting bored and tired of him. He has a life of his own. one where i’m hardly in. he is obsessed with his gym and his modeling aspirations and he only wants me on saturdays when he doesn’t have money to go out and he wants to cuddle. i never signed up for anything like this. so maybe i’ll break up with him after a month or maybe i’ll just forget that we’re together and just stop everything. HAHAH. it’s weird that we’re together, really. i’m begining to think that maybe i shouldn’t date anymore. but i know i won’t do that >]
i so badly want to play L4D right now but there is no one to play with. :[
hhjlfghskjfgh;ljg bored out of my fucking mind.
… : But what if we get hurt?
… : Then maybe we just don’t fall in love this time.
i haven’t talked to my “boyfriend” today since i texted him in the morning and honestly, it sucks because i’m always the first one to text him. he never looks for me and i’m annoyed. How can you be with someone like that?
my PMS is so bad right now and school is draining. i wish there was just someone i could come home to. someone i could fall into and cry because of the stress or someone i could just look at and be happy to be able to just end a day. ehh… sometimes i wonder why i’m so desperate to fall in love when we all know that i’m better off alone.
i’m pathetic. and mad at the world.
i hate nursing. i hate school. omg, i don’t think i’ve ever been this tired. seriously.
i wake up at 5:30, leave the house by 6:30 start school at 7:30 have lunch at 12 go back at 1 end class at 7 get home at 8 have dinner study at 8:30 sleep at 11. it’s a vicious cycle. where am i going to put my boyfriend???
i saw him yesterday though and it was the best feeling ever. like i went to his place and we just kept telling each other how our day was and what we missed from the days we weren’t together and wrestled and laughed and laughed and laughed. i felt like i was on a natural high or something. i missed him and i miss him now esp. when i’m at school and i can’t text but i’m bored. i guess i like him a lot now. i just really don’t have time for a boyfriend right now so you can imagine how hard it is gyud!
anyways, it’s 11 i’m not done studying so i really need to bounce.
i will try to update soon
remember when we were lying in bed last week and i held you close and told you that i was really starting to like you…
i never want to fall too deep in love or like with you because you’re going to hurt me. and you might just leave.
but i like you. in a great amount.
i guess me and mike just had our first fight last night…
actually, our first break up. but then we got back together. Apparently, he’s a compulsive liar so idk wth i’m doing with this guy. but then again, it’s not my opinion of him man gud. it’s other people’s and you know i’m not one to judge. But god, i hope he doesn’t lie to me though. i hate being lied to first of all because i don’t lie.. unless it’s to my mother.
anyways, i guess uyab na gyud mi and we’re going to fix things and be a real couple now. yey, i have a boyfriend like i’ve always wanted. 😀
i’m not a slut. If i was a slut, i would be enjoying and basking in every single fucking minute of this. and right now, i wish i was a slut because it’s not fun. It’s not fun at all.
it wouldn’t matter to me if you were a convict, a squat, a whatever as long as you loved me and took care of me. That’s just how i am. I give love too much and in most situations, i give love where it isn’t even reciprocated. And now there are two of you.
You want someone who isn’t going to fool around with you or cheat or lie and someone’ll listen and be there for you… and i’m that girl for you- any one of you. Maybe that’s the problem. So tell me, why can’t i seem to figure out who that guy is for me?
Justin, we ended on such bad terms and i like you, i like you a lot. You take things slow and you proved that you weren’t what people told me you were. I guess that’s where the problem lay.
Mike, we were fast. Like lightning. but it oddly feels right. And something happened tonight that you denied but i know you still did and i let you get away with it because i know that one day, it’ll slap you in the face. you are my BOYFRIEND and i wanna know that you want me to be your girlfriend because if you don’t then i won’t be the one to stop you because i told myself i wouldn’t do that anymore.
SOMEONE STAND UP FOR ME. I PROMISE I’LL BE WORTH IT. I PROMISE I WON’T SCREW UP. I SWEAR I’LL BE A GOOD GIRL FRIEND. NO MORE MAKING OUT WITH RANDOM GUYS AND NO MORE GETTING DRUNK.
save me 🙁
i wish kevin wasn’t high then we could talk. he’s the only one that gets me. </3