ershadtaung: miss yah bunso
issadog_102890: it’s not like we’re even that close for you to miss me
issadog_102890: but i understand, i have that effect on people
I’M TRYING TO COOK TONIGHT. WISH ME LUCK!
– Christmas eve-
1. Have family dinner
2. Go to church at the chapel just to see all the neighbors because that’s really one of the ONLY times you get to see them
3. Have goofy programs where the kids sing and dance
4. Open gifts
5. Picture taking
6. Play with gifts while the oldies drink their wine and eat
7. Open gifts from parents ONLY
1. Wake up to open gifts from Santa
2. Get ready to go to the mall to return/ exchange the gifts my PAPA doesn’t like
3. Spend time with cousins 🙂
New year traditons:
– A Day Before (30th)-
1. Go to Mactan and buy fireworks
-New Years Eve-
1. Spend the whole day preparing
2. Go to church at the chapel again
3. Watch the neighbors use OUR fireworks because papa won’t let us play with fireworks 🙁
4. Eat [3 and 4 are interchangeable or may happen simultaneously]
5. At 12 we basically cry. hahahaha
6. Then we drink up!!
7. I stay up til 8 in the morning blogging. basically summing up the whole year that’s passed 🙂
What are your traditions?
if there’s one thing i hate, it’s when someone thinks that they’re better than me. Or maybe it’s not that because i am open to the fact that i am not the best at everything, i think i hate it the most when people ACT like their better than me and treat me like i am someone below them. I also hate it when people belittle me and take me for granted.
Well anyways, i got into a fight yesterday with one of my best friends because that’s how she was treating me. She would make stupid insults about me in front of everyone else and it just made me super pissed because it really did feel like i was being attacked. I can take a joke- what am i, 5? but i can’t take a joke when it’s insulting and way out of line. Pretty reasonable, i guess right?
And i’m a lot of things that i’m not afraid to admit. I’m frank, i’m tackless, sometimes i’m cocky [when the need arises] and i’m a bitch. And i’m all these things to people who provoke me to be. I’m not just going to sit around in the corner and blog about my feelings. If i’m mad at you, you’ll know it. If you’re asking for it, you’ll pretty much get what you want. And i’m like that because i have issues. I do NOT like it when people think they can just push me around. So i have to remind them. And i am NOT sorry for that. No matter who you are.
*: i don’t wanna go with you to buy drinks if ISSA’S there…
Me: -silence- [ i was trying so hard not to cause a fight because my friends told me not to]
But i couldn’t help it…
*: Oh, i’m drinking whatever you’re drinking
Me: No, we’ll just buy you beer cuz that’s all the only thing you can handle. One can of that are you’re good.
*: Issa doesn’t know anything! Go with her!
and then when i couldn’t help it anymore i shouted at her, slammed the bathroom door, shouted at her some more and almost started insulting her. i just tried not to cuz she IS my best friend. and i still love her. i wish i caught that on video. one of my finest moments, really.
so yeah, i’m not sorry. i never will be. she deserved it anyways.
with you, it’s a lot like dancing. you take one step forward and one step back. One more step forward and you suddenly leave me in the middle of the dance floor. And just when i’ve decided not to dance this dance, you show up again and very easily sweep me into your tango -issa
i honestly feel bad. i feel bad because i didn’t stay long enough to hear it from jeed’s side of the story. i feel like i was in a hurry to replace him [but it was unintentional] and i feel like i’m letting him get close enough to hurt me and i do NOT want that to happen. I haven’t heard from him in more than a week but he calls me up tonight saying he wants to meet up and i’m immediately in a cab on my way to meet him. and it didn’t matter what he did- i just felt like i wanted to be with him. ehh, i sound so in love with him which i’m not. i just don’t understand why i’m like this. i think it’s cuz i needed an explanation from him badly. and now i have it and i am NOT happy. because of me.:(
so i saw his phone. it was really with his friend. he’s using it now cuz he broke his original phone. turns out, it wasn’t pawned and his friends were bullshitting. last saturday, he wasn’t with carlyle [the guy who supposedly pushed him to use] and he was home. with his brother and he’s been home since cuz he’s been trying to save up for a new phone. he kept telling me that he’s been staying away from our common friends cuz they’re the one who push him into using and he really doesn’t want to. but you know if he wanted to text me, he would’ve found ways right? UGH UGH STUPID INCONSISTENT BOY!
and then jericho, i love talking to him, i love texting him. he is soo different. he’s consistent, he’s there. he feels like something different. but i think about jeed and i feel like he needs me more. i feel like i’m rushing into something else but i’m not. jericho just happened and i’m just trying to see what can actually happen. i know i’m not playing thee two boys cuz… jericho proli doesn’t like me like that [not that i do either] and jeed, well, his side has been established once or twice but why do i feel wrong about this?
jeed man gud!! sos, so inconsistent. and i don’t like waiting around for boys because it makes me feel used.
i hate my life. i feel like a whore
MY MOM MADE ME GO HOME LAST NIGHT AT 12 MIDNIGHT JUST SO SHE CAN TAKE ME SHOPPING FOR A DRESS!! A DRESS!! WHEN DO I WEAR DRESSES?!?!?!
Btw, i got caught smoking this week and it was the most embarrassing thing ever. i mean, i always knew it was wrong. i always knew that it would go against what they’ve told me not to do but for them to be disappointed was just a whole other story.
i always knew that they put me on a pedastole [why can’t i spell this word?!] and i always thought that somehow, in some ways it had to do with the fact that i’m not their “real” daughter. that somehow, i had to do better because i had to prove that i belonged to be a part of this family- that they didn’t make a mistake by not leaving me with my dead beat dad. and for them to say that i disappointed them, i was kinda shocked and hurt. i mean, they have their points but, i AM a good daughter and i do everything for them but i guess smoking was just something i did for myself. It was something that i did for me because i’m practically killing myself with nursing which they literally demanded me to do. and despite knowing that with my heart condition and blah blah blah, i still smoked because it was MY escape from everything. when i didn’t want to talk about it, when i didn’t want to think about it, when i didn’t want to think about anything. it was something i did because i wanted to rebel. And i guess i wanted to rebel because it made me feel alive when most of the time i felt dead. i know, it’s lame. it really is but that’s just how i function. I’m better off not sucking on suicide sticks anyways. i’ve always known that.
Point is, because i don’t want to disappoint them, so i won’t smoke. even if it’s been killing me and if i have this cough that i get when i try NOT to smoke. and even if i’ve been depressed and withdrawing myself from everyone and everything. and it’s only been 4 days. you can kill me if you want. they smoke in hell, right?
btw. i like to draw but i am no good. 😐
hope you guys answer this truthfully and not judge me for thinking differently.