I used to struggle a lot with my identity. I grew up in an environment wherein everyone was the same but I wanted so much to be different.
Fashionwise, I was never the girly-girl and I hated anything and everything that lacked sleeves and had ruffles/ flowers on it. As much as I loved fashion and dreamed about being a fashion designer or working in the world of fashion, no one could ever imagine me in that world because I was never into trends.
I struggled a lot with that growing up and a lot of times I ended up wearing what my mom would buy me or what was “in” even if I hated them because I sort of gave up. I remember being so frustrated because I wanted to be my own kind of “fashionable” which meant wearing dresses and rubber shoes or a big top over shorts.
Up until recent times, if you asked me who I was, I really wouldn’t be able to give you an honest answer. I’m good with words so I’d be able to give an answer but to say that it was an answer I truly believed in would be a lie.
When I was in college, I was pressured to wear a lot of short dresses when I wanted to go out in long skirts because that’s what everyone else was wearing. For some stupid reason, I wanted to belong and I was scared of sticking out.
Sometimes I look back and I wish I was stronger and that I could tell my old self that it’s OK to be different, it’s OK to be laughed at and most of all, it’s OK to be yourself.
As time passed, I slowly began to gain a better grasp of myself and realize who I was and how irrelevant the opinions of other people were.
To be honest, I often do feel a lot of pressure when it comes to blogging (as small time as I am) and I used to really beat myself up about it.
A lot of times I would question my own style because I didn’t like what was trending or I couldn’t afford really expensive clothes. Then, I would feel bad because I couldn’t afford to shop at all the fancy places that everyone else shopped at and I didn’t have the will power to try so hard to either.
Many times I wanted to talk about things I felt my blog wasn’t ready for so I just didn’t. I am so conscious of the things I post because I don’t want to disappoint anyone and sometimes it makes me feel robotic.
Then it occurred to me how petty these problems were and how stupid I was for even worrying about it in the first place. I came to the realization that if these were the problems that clouded my head, then I would never go far in life.
I really have a bad habit of over analyzing things and I guess it consumed me to a point where I became depressed and borderline pathetic. Everyone thinks that blogging is so glamorous and that the other side of the screen is so pretty but the reality is is, it’s 10:00 pm and I’m in my pambalay and my life is anything but glamorous.
I’m sharing these things and my thoughts because if you’re like me and you’ve spent most of your life feeling lost then maybe you should know that you’re not alone.
I’m not going to lie- I’m not fully at a place where I can truly say that I am at peace but if you asked me who I am now, I’d be able to give you an answer and as weird as that answer may be, it’s one that I believe is the truth.
It’s a good feeling to be 24 and admit these things because I feel like I’m taking a big load of my shoulders.
This year, I want to travel and I’m going to bust my butt working so I can do that with my own money. I want to soak up so much in the world that I no longer have to remember what it’s like to worry about if I got my angles right or stress out if my background is “instagramable” enough. Well, of course I’ll worry about it sometimes but at least not all the time. heee.
I’m not going to stop blogging- ever. I love fashion and it has always been an integral part of my life. Although it is a vain industry, maybe I can compensate for these things in ways that feel comfortable for me and hopefully I’ll become better at my craft.
I’m a very emotional human being. I don’t really know if I’m making a whole lot of sense but it feels really good to have said them. Thanks for sticking it through with me.
xx,
Issa
