Life has been so hard lately. Everyone in the entire world is suffering and I’m stuck at home, not really able to do anything. I’m not saying I haven’t tried- because I have. I try to be a mix of everything I can be, given my “influence”.
I am trying to set a “good example”, “provide relief”, “give an educated distraction” and “reach out from my home”. All of this because I don’t have much to offer. I only have my voice and my platform.
We have staff to worry about. Bills to pay, debts that won’t be put on hold despite all of this. I saw the worry in my husband’s eyes and for someone who generally keeps it together, i heard him say- haay, nag rigor gyud akong ulo. How can I make this work? And I wished I had more to offer than just a hug. He apologized this morning for us potentially having to move in with his parents and i asked him why he was sorry. I sunk in my seat because i saw the weight I had put on him more than ever. I felt so bad.
I worry about everyone. The people who depend on us, the people I am able to influence, my family, the people I don’t know, the people I want to help but cannot or I haven’t figured out how to help yet.
I don’t think I’m a bad person. I know in my heart I am not selfish, I never pretend to be someone I am not. I think logically, reason logically and am unbiased. I may not be perfect but I never use my imperfection as an excuse. I own up to my own shit. In fact, I get bullied because of it. And how come the ONE TIME I defend myself I am the villain?