earlier today, i was on Mary Roses’ laptop and me and alex were going through some of my old entries here. After a bit of laughing from the gay way i used to talk before, we decided to, for some reason, read the entries i made when me and james broke up.
Back then i used to talk about the future [that is now] a lot. It made me remember about how scared i was if one of us realized that we didn’t really need each other in our lives anymore only to realize that that person turned out to be me. I think it’s funny how blinded i was that i wanted to be with him and how i was “willing to give up my arm and/or leg up for him” when now i don’t even understand what made me stay with the guy for soo long.
And yes, i just remembered. we did have plans to eventually get back together but honestly, that chapter of my life has ended already and as much as i love him and as much as i think that i cannot, at this moment, love anyone else the way i loved him oh so dearly, i also cannot ever put myself in a position where it came to a point where i couldn’t even recognize myself anymore.
god knows i miss him terribly. there is not a single day that passes where the thought of him doesn’t pass my mind. he is still very much alive in my heart and mind. but i’m happy right now. And if memories are the only things i have then it’s ok. I am filled with good ones and bad ones. To measure isn’t an option anymore.
i guess if i sum up our whole relationship, 1 year and 9 months, i’d say, i left a better person. but i know that the way i act on most occassions do not justify my “better person” claim but i know better now than to let someone trample on me and make me their puppet. Which is the last thing i ever want to be again. This time, i make up my own rules and i play by my games, if there are any games, to say the least…
i was always scared that if i was going to be without someone after james, i wouldn’t be able to love him the way i loved james. Mainly because i don’t want to anymore. Cuz i’m scared. because i know what it’s like, mostly. and i cannot say that with “him”, i am breaking the rules, because i am not.
oddly, I’m just scared to lose him.
they say if you have a good thing, don’t let it go because you might not get it back.
I want to say it is applicable but right now, i’m not just sure if he’s something generally good. i have to protect myself- first and foremost.
I seriously think i’m ruined. but i’m getting better.
i used to wonder about days when we woke up and went through our regular routines and just stopped during the middle of all of that and realize that we finally “ok”- the world is such a magical place after that. but i don’t think we’ll always ok. i don’t think that anymore. we’ll never ever be fully ok. and that’s just the turth.
so if you are who you are right now, i don’t blame you. So please, don’t try to change me. you know for a fact that i’m not going to change for you…