i had a really good day today . went to colon then the street bazaar and from there we walked all the way to robinsons and then that’s where i died. :))
papa picked me up there and we had persian palate food and now my fart smells horrible.:/
and arjie, kiara and daffy were really shocked “daw” to see me acting like a total goofball and stuff today because all they’re used to is me being talkative and mean or abnormally quiet and blah blah blah and i guess it got me thinking about how protective i am. i mean, especially with zul, and it does make me think about myself a lot and how i always feel the need to protect myself and how i have to leave/ hurt someone before they hurt me but every time i do that i have to pretend that i’m strong, that i’m ok but i know i’m not. So i start drinking so i can cry it out and when i’m with people i’m not sure about, i do something stupid and maybe all of this is happening because i feel most of the time that i have to be someone strong. i have to make people feel like they can’t read me. but in fact, i am very transparent. and very lost.
and i don’t want to be lost and transparent and hurt all the time. i wanna be able to say that “you will hurt me and i’m scared” instead of, “there’s nothing you can possibly do to hurt me” anymore. i’m tired of this and i just want to find my place.
i guess i want to be happy and not so scared. but i feel like i will always be scared.