bending backwards

oh, what a perfect day for another annual sobfest.
aren’t you used to this yet?

is it just me or has anyone ever felt the feeling that there will always be certain occassions in your life where no matter what you do or no matter how hard you try to get away from something, you will always be responsible for something that happened or something that is bound to happen? or like, the fact that you are part of someone directly makes you a rebound? if he isn’t here to be pissed at, you automatically get the nasty remarks. and because he’s not here to take the blame, you get it instead.

that’s exactly how i feel..

i do not doubt the fact that my dad loves me because love is so easy to give. my god, i could love a monkeys ass if i wanted to – that is, if i wanted. but no, i’m not asking anyone to love me, especially him because i honestly doubt that he knows what love really is. i want him to start acting like a dad and do something. because no one can live on love alone especially not me. not when i’m living off a guy who isn’t my blood but is pretending and trying his best to be for me all because that person who’s supposed to be doing all those daddy stuff isn’t here for me. or has never ever been there for me. and that is a fact and no one can ever try to deny that.

i know i should probably cut him some slack but i’m telling myself not to consider him anymore because he has never for a second considered me or my mom or my papa. and that’s just something i’ve been having to live with ever since before.

it just sucks to know that my mom and papa are so disappointed because he’s not doing his responsibilties. yes, it’s about money again and i know that i should be greatful that he already sends 1000 a month but seriously, i’m not stupid. i know that’s not him. and the fact that he needs his sister and mother to cover up for him just hurts a lot because in the end, i’ll end up looking like the dumb one.

another thing is, i justhate the fact that they’re mad/upset or whatever. because honestly, it feels like it’s my fault again. it feels like i should take the blame because he’s not here to take it. it feels like all their anger is going to pile up on me because i’m never going to have the guts to tell him this because i know he’ll tell me some sad sob story about how he doesn’t eat or how he works soo hard to support his family and whatever. aren’t i family too? don’t i deserve more than 1 k a month? that’s not even enough to pay for my bus, bitch.

the thing with him is, he thinks that that’s enough. he’s never even asked how i buy clothes or where i get the money to go out with friends. he doesn’t even ask me how much a get a week or if what he gives is enough. he thinks giving me a check for a luosy 1k is going to get him off the hook. it’s not like that. shallow a reality pill, buddy.

geez, sometimes the feeling of being a responsibility and burden is too much for me to handle. that’s why i can’t wait to finish college and live my own life. then i wouldn’t have to put with this.

so now, i’m not going to depend on him anymore. nor am i going to depend on my granny or tita annie to pick me up at school anymore. i think it’s better if we just forgot that we ever meant anything to each other. i guess it’ll be a little less complicated that way.

i hate the fact that we’re slaves of money. :[

as for my parents.. wa. na uwaw lang ko. cuz it’s my fault. or it just really feels like it is. idk. i’m always the problem.

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