diana asked me something today that a lot of people have asked me since me and james broke up. but then i never really had an answer that i was actually satisfied with until today. i don’t know how i came up with answer but when she asked me if i would get bak with hames if he wanted get back with me i said, “Yeah, i think i would. if we started from square one.”
odd how that came out after 3 months of telling myself that i want him completely out of my life.
and then i got to thinking over our conversation about case studies during 4th year of college- i couldn’t do it if i had a boyfriend like james. i’d always be pushed down like i was so many times before. i don’t miss being told i’m not good enough or smart enough or being told that i try too hard. i don’t miss it at all.
last night was his sister’s baby shower and i threw it. i never realized how much i missed what we had before until yesterday. really. like when i went inside his room to check if he was there [he wasn’t], i was reminded of soo much and it made me miss him because i know that there were moments when i was truly happy, moments when i couldn’t ask for anything more in my life. but what are mere moments when you could be happy all the time, right? i mean, i don’t expect a 24/7 pep squadish life but at least not what i felt and not what i went through the 2 years we were together.
it still hurts when i think about it because no matter how many theories or what if’s i come up with, i know none of them will actually come true. i know for a fact that james never loved me that much to fight for me or to get me back. but i did. and i did all those things and now i feel so stupid because i have nothing left. i’ve come to terms with the fact we’re nothing anymore a very long time ago and i’ve also taught myself to not expect anything from him but i guess sometimes i beat myself up from feeling like crap because he never fought for me.
i always thought that if you had something as good as that, you’d fight to keep it. it wasn’t that good for me but i stayed and i fought for it. i guess i just feel and think too many things. haha.
i don’t even understand why i’m emoting right now. i mean, i’m over it. maybe because it’s his birthday this sunday. or maybe cuz we’ve been texting lately. i really don’t know. but after this blog, i know it’ll be out of my system.
the thing that hurt me the most was being with his family and wishing that i still had some place in it. i love his family so much. i love anna, i love dan’s girlfriend, angelie, i love tito jojo, sharlyn, rany. I get a crack out of his brothers and it’s just so painful not being a part of that anymore. i feel like i lost everything. and i just can’t get that back anymore.
but anyways, i’ll be going to asturyas for the whole week and i’ll be back on friday so i’ll proli party hardy when i get back too. i’m planning to work on my sketching there and stay up late and look at the stars and feel good about my life and thank god because honestly, i’ve kinda forgotten about Him.
i’ll see you soon. and promise, non of this emo bullshit anymore. i’m dunzoo for the year.