Lately I’ve been thinking about relationships a lot and what it is to be in one, what it takes to be in one and what we have to do to be and not only that but to actually stay in one. Along with these thoughts are a lot of contemplating over why relationships end and why most of mine have as well.
I could very possibly be on the verge of entering a new relationship but a lot of things are holding me back. I like him, a lot. Yes, i do. I do actually love him in this moment and he says that he loves me too but i can’t help but wonder if love will ever be enough. This is stupid, I take it back because even i know that LOVE WILL NEVER JUST BE ENOUGH.
now let me get things straight. when i say love, i mean it in minimal amounts. I love him as a friend, i can love him as a boyfriend but not love in a sense that i would jump over a building for him or sneak out just for him. I do not put bars to who i love because love is easily given. I just think that love either grows or withers and it’s completely up to you and that person you love to redefine that.
And i was just thinking recently how I’ve been telling myself for a long time that it’s important that you end up with someone who wants the same things as you do in a relationship or more importantly,sees relationships in the same way that you do. And it occured to me, i haven’t exactly been able to define a relationship myself. i’ve just been floating around here pretending i know everything. yes, modesty is a special thing.
I was so bored today and i asked a lot of my friends how they know they’re in love with someone and honestly, i realized that most of these people don’t really understand the deeper context of love. Most of them think it’s mostly about thinking about that person 24/7 and not wanting to be anywhere but in that persons arms. I think that’s more like an attachment than love if you asked me.
If you asked me what MY definition of love is, it wouldn’t have to be more of the more selfless aspect. I would say that I know that I am in love with someone when they have this unusual pull over me where I have this feeling of wanting to take care him or where I want everything to be better or ok for him. Like with James, it wasn’t more of what he could do for me but what i could do for me because i just wanted to make him happy even if i had to gamble my own happiness.
I think my perspective of love is like this based on what I see in my parents. I don’t hear my mom tell my papa that if he loves her he’ll do this or that but instead, it’s more of what she can do for him.
How i end up feeling these feelings however, is a whole other question which requires answers that i am in no position to answer. I fall for the assholes. 🙁
The more time i spend with this guy, the more i come to believe that we are on two different sides of the world when it comes to relationships. I don’t think he knows what is it to be in a real relationship [not saying that I’ve been in one or that I know either] and I think that he needs to figure out what it is to him.
I’m not in any hurry though. If he makes up his mind then ok. If it never comes though then at least i have prepared myself for the worst.
There’s just some form of benefit when all you ever know is leaving and being left.