sometimes it’s just really hard to breathe…

call me a drama queen or whatever you wanna call me but thta’s not going to make me change because the truth about me is,i fuss about things even if i don’t want to. I get scared easily and well even if i hate it, i can’t deny the fact that yeah, i can become the jealous type, if you give me good reasons to. There are/ will be a lot times i’ll just keep quiet and pretend that i don’t care or that i’m not pissed or worse, hurting but the real story that, inside my head, i’m screaming which only further leads to a REALLY bad headache and nothing pleasant in the morning.

i’m just scared and you can’t make me unscared.

last night i fell asleep on james. the initial plan was to turn off my phone and not give a fuck about whatever happened to him or whatever just because i was being a paranoid little skank bitch whore. but of course, i couldn’t find it in me to turn my phone off. i wan anticipating his text or his call and maybe when he did, i wouldn’t feel soo scared or jealous or paranoid or yeah, whatever it was i was feeling.

then i woke up to a simple i’m home and something else i forgot. and then my whiney brat side kicked in. JESUS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?? 😐

seriously, i’m having the worst mood swings. i know who to thank for that. haha.

anyways, yeah. that just made me feel like something bad actually did happen. and even if i trust him i just couldn’t help but be scared. i mean, i’m always scared but i was scared that something i thought would happen WOULD happen and when i didn’t get the assurance i wanted last night, i ended up wishing i went to sacred heart with him yesterday afternoon just so i wouldn’t end up feeling so scared right now. just because he makes me feel strong.

and now he’s sick. and i feel worse because i don’t know what to do. i just feel really bad cuz idk. i wanna be there for him. i wanna pretend to know how to make him feel better [cuz i suck at med. and treating people. i really do]. and i just wanna all those stuff for him even if i am kinda hurt and mad at him.

geez, i just realized I said sorry to HIM! where’s my big ego when i need it? pride, you can kick in now.

i might just die.

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