Things NOT To Do While Menstruating

I have made the honest mistake of watching Serendipity while on my period. For reasons I can’t fully explain but let’s just say, I was hoping to watch The Great Gatsby but ended up watching Star Trek: Into Darkness instead and quite frankly, their costume design pissed me off.
Hormones are really one of the main reasons I hate being a woman. That and (you may or may NOT believe it) but also dressing up. But not childbirth, never childbirth! The world needs babies. They are cute, cuddly and they might just be the only form of humans I hardly feel the need to suffocate no matter how loud they can get. (to everyone in my office, now you know how I feel about you) Those may or may not be the hormones talking.
So going back to my hormones and Serendipity, watching it was not a very good idea. Despite it being my millionth time to watch it, I found myself so lost and confused. I was jealous and suddenly unsure of myself and my feelings. I started to wonder if I would ever have that sort of love (well, not their love. That was f*cked up) when at the back of my head, I was quite sure that the man I want to grow old with was lying in bed or up playing counter strike (which I have no problems with, btw). I was scared because suddenly the thought that maybe he didn’t feel the same way about me crept in which made me think that I needed some sort of security, some kind of assurance. Then I thought about us breaking up and me never being happy again and him finding someone better than me, someone with a cleaner slate, someone girlier- and it scared me because, “shit! I forgot to comb Barbie’s hair today!”. And then I thought about how much I wanted McDonald’s and how I should move to Manila and start a career there and how much I hate the Star Trek uniforms and that cheap cloth. Ugh! And… uhm… Hi! That’s pretty much how a menstruating woman’s head sounds like.
So I have made a list of to keep in mind when handling a menstruating woman:
1.       Watching any form of entertainment that involves love, romance especially unrequited love is a bad idea. And by watching it makes you a bad person!
2.       Do not go to places where couples might be on dates, unless you’re out on one. But that can be hazardous, as well.
Ø   If you are single, there are a million reasons why this is wrong and if you aren’t then you will most likely bitch at your man for not taking you out on one.
3.       Do not attempt to dress. Also, pressuring us to dress is also not advised.
Ø  Why the hell doesn’t anything look good when I’m bleeding? I never knew I was THIS fat!
4.       Menstruating women should not have access to a fridge and/ or kitchen. Because we will sweep that shit up.
5.       Personal contact is hazardous to everyone’s health. Suggested distance is about 5 feet from us. Believe me,  I pushed a girl yesterday and I punched a number of guys who got on my nerves. I am innocent.
6.       Talking should be done at your own risk. Because if you say something stupid, I will call it out. And I will humiliate you cuz you’re stupid and I think you should know.
7.       Never ask us for advice. Nuff said.
8.       Never ask us for our “honest” opinion. YOU CAN’T HANDLE TO TRUTH!!
9.       Talking about our boyfriends ex’s or our ex’s is like asking me if I want to sucker punch you. Because I do and I’ll consider it as permission to do so.
10.   Say NO with caution. Refusing a bleeding woman is like taking candy away from a baby. It’s like stealing your dads cigarettes or being cast out of the garden of Eden. It is that bad. Which totally eradicates rules 1-9.
11.   Keep a bleeding girl locked up. Like a bear should ought to be hibernating. But let her know you love her because she doesn’t understand herself either. When the pre menstrual/ intra menstrual and post menstrual syndromes are done, we will go back to loving you. Sure, we still not really like you but we’ll be easier to manage.
I’d finish this but I’m back to wanting McDonald’s.l

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