this is how i know i’m going crazy part II

i had to be in bed early last night.. it was around twelve and my papa made me wrap things up right after pinoy big brother was over. FYI: i stopped watching that show after budoy was kicked off the show.and before that, i never really watched it religiously. i’m just defending myself. haha. anyways, at least i got to add the pictures of me camwhoring at the office with the arm thinggies to my profile. haha. i’m weird. but people some are weirder. i have a fall back.

so anyways, the show was over and all the plugs were unplugged, switches switched off and i was on top of my bed, lying down, close to lifeless trying to find a decent reason to fall asleep. for some reason, church just wasn’t good enough. sometimes, i think i’m turning atheist. but i like to believe that i’m being tested. one night, while i was praying, i just concluded that i didn’t need a reason for me to know that he’s real. sure, mabe Jesus was just a prophet but he did miracles, right? and hey, if someone could die for my sins… i’d worship him, hands down. but about the frequent doubts, i guess it’s just cause nowadays, not much people believe in him and.. i unno, maybe i just don’t wanna look stupid by saying, “i love god.” but the truth is, i DO love God.
          I LOVE GOD

i know some people might be laughing at me right now or think that i’m pathetic. i honestly don’t think there’s anything wrong with it though.i mean, i’m not a bad person [or at least i think i’m not] and yeah, i’m happy even though i’m still going through shit. [continuation later…]

moving on…i had a lot of time to think last night [ i call it insomnia] and it’ll make me feel good if i just let it all out. so, here i am, doing just that.
                                                           i think i cried for yoiu last night

honestly, i don’t like talking about this cuz it’s far from over. kath thinks i’m desperate and i know pathetic comes along with that so, yeah,. it doesn’t do much for me mentally but.. i can’t stop thinking about it. but anyways, yeah, last night, i started thinking about e***** [let’s not publicize it]. god, i know! it’s been soo many years but i still feel soo bad. i kept having flashbacks of what happened, the first time i saw him, sinulog, that fight, those talks on the phone and all those times i kept remebering him and ended up feeling shitty.

it’s such a stupid fantasy but there was a point in my pathetic life when i came to the conclusion that i wanted to marry him. seee..i’m going crazy. i need a heartbreak.

shit. i feel so lame now. but, i don’t knooow.i just wish i could have another chance at this thing that happened so long ago. i wish that i never met guys after him so he could know that.. i’ve been saving myself.

no. i wish that the internet dies and no one reads this.

i swear, i’m having chest pains agains! mitral valve prolapse. pffft.

sorry, people. i’m not emo on guys. just today, i promise. afterall, our first cuts ARE the deepest.

anyways, aside from thinking of him, i thought about my dad. i miss him. i don’t know why. i’m not ready to make up and be friends and forget everything cuz i unno.. i don’t think i’m ready for it is all.

i know that we will be aiight, eventually. i’m like that.. one day, i’ll just feel shitty and say i’m sorry. maybe i don’t hate him that much when i think about it. maybe, i’m just upset that he doesn’t show that he loves me. maybe… i’m going crazy.. i am. i am. i am.

and then, at church earlier… fuck gyud. fuck. our discussion was about problems. DING DING DING
teacher someone said that problems always bring something greater. “honestly…” i thought at that sentence, “what could i possibly get out of this? a great friendship? like i want that. wait… maybe i do. i don’t know. i don’t  know what kind of person he his. i just know that he hurt me too much and i’m crying again.

i don’t know what i want anymore!!!!

anyways, i’m done with this.

i have 3 big piles of clothes in onmy floor that i need to fix but i’ll reconsider.

* i read this blog from a friend of gerlie’s that wrote, “i talk to much”… uhm..

i do too

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4 Comments

  1. uh-oh.. umm, i hope you dont turn atheist, or stop believing just cause of us guys :Sseriously, its your choice :)i actually think its better that you continue, you have something to guide you, and someone you, in some way, trust to enlighten you or believe is always there for you..in my case i dont get that satisfaction anymore, i guess thats the path i chose, and i live with its pros and cons. :)anyway,… whos the guy huh?.. haha .. nvm 🙂 :Ptake care :)Kevin 😛

  2. uh-oh.. umm, i hope you dont turn atheist, or stop believing just cause of us guys :Sseriously, its your choice :)i actually think its better that you continue, you have something to guide you, and someone you, in some way, trust to enlighten you or believe is always there for you..in my case i dont get that satisfaction anymore, i guess thats the path i chose, and i live with its pros and cons. :)anyway,… whos the guy huh?.. haha .. nvm 🙂 :Ptake care :)Kevin 😛

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