In a weeks time [lies, a day, to be more precise] I have managed to delete all my fashion accounts, announce my interwebial demise [including thought of deleting my fb account] and have the biggest baddest and whackest emotional breakdowns of all time.
It’s been 2 days since and I’ve been stuck in bed due to gastritis or dyspepsia, I don’t know, but whatever it is, it hurts like hell.
I guess this all started 2-3 weeks ago when I noticed how hard it is to get out of bed or how much I couldn’t stand to go home. Or maybe when I felt like I lost everything. This could possibly have been triggered after the board exams came out and the pressure to take my board exams started to take its form. Maybe it started 2 Saturdays ago when I decided to go out without Paolo and realized that I haven’t been the best girl friend I should’ve been and that trailing thought of, “will I ever be?” Or maybe it started when I began to realize that I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my life- An employee, in my cube, amongst a sea of mere employees. And because I don’t like appearing weak, because I promised myself I would not complain, because I told myself that this was only temporary- I allowed all these frustrations to chew me up until that Sunday when I broke down.
But the truth, the truth that I so unwillingly want to face is that these choices, the place that I’m in right now has been no one else’s decision but mine. And I guess it kills me inside to admit that my dreams are so much bigger than this and yet, I allowed myself to settle for less.
So in lieu of this, I have decided to set my priorities straight. So that in 2 years from now, I will be all the things I said I would be. And these things are:
– To launch my fashion career [stylist, writer, designer- whatever’s out there for me]
– To start hosting [if I ever get the chance to]
– To start writing more sensible articles [no more random ramblings]
– To fix myself and bury the skeletons in my closet pretty well.
I don’t want to wake up 3 years from now and be as miserable and pathetic as I am now. I want that sense of accomplishment and I want it now. I don’t want to think that 4 years of putting my dreams on hold has taken it’s toll on me.