I saw a woman with bruises all over her face & body. I asked if she was ok. She said she wanted to get out of where she was but she had nowhere to go and I can’t help but wonder how many women are also experiencing the same thing during the pandemic & even not during the pandemic.
I promised to help her but it’s 4 am and I can’t sleep but I also have no idea what to do.
I often wonder if our life would have been any different if this pandemic never happened.
Maybe we finally had that honeymoon.
Who thinks about a fucking honeymoon during a pandemic? Sorry if it’s shallow but I still get really sad about it.
Is that bad? People are dying and I’m here, inside a comfortable home, wishing I could travel? It sounds selfish but I can’t help but be sad about it sometimes.
Because maybe if things were different, I would be pregnant by now and not have to worry about giving birth during a pandemic. Maybe all the things we planned & talked about & dreamed about would have actually happened
This isn’t how our 2020 was supposed to be like and while we all put on a pretty face and say we’ll soldier through this sometimes when it’s 3 o clock in the morning- you can’t help but cry.
I thought it would feel like this but 10x except it wasn’t. I tried to look and smile at everyone I passed by but people just kept their gaze down and so… I stopped in front of my favorite spot in the area (where you get just the right mix of nature and city) & cried.
I looked around and everything was sort of somber but it was still sort of beautiful and so I decided to go home.
I thought a lot of thoughts during that 30 minute run like how beautiful life is and how life goes on with or without us.
Like how hard it is to jog with a mask on and how eye shields are just a fancy term for sun glasses.
I thought about how this pandemic is going to affect us as social beings and if I’ll ever be able to beso my friends again and you know, typical thoughts you have when you jog.
Sometimes in the middle of the night, Paolo reaches out to me in his sleep. In these sleepy scenarios he is either: asking me to hold his hand (which is difficult when you like to sleep with your back against him) or he’ll just place his hand on top of me. Tonight it’s on my hip.
I swear to God, it is the most comforting touch to ever feel in the entire world.
Having someone reach out for you when they themselves don’t even know it makes me feel so needed. Like I actually matter in this big, bad world.
And i know i say this a lot but it’s the best feeling in the world considering how unimportant i used to feel.
It has taken me approximately 5 days to finally integrate my old blog into my issaplease blog (I had to learn how to split .xml files- WOW!), FINALLY settle with a theme that I liked (note to self: DO NOT CHANGE THEMES ANYTIME SOON, PLEASE!) and then customize it to my liking (as you know, we have such sophisticated taste).
But we are finally done and I can stop thinking about this blog while I’m washing the dishes or while we play Call Of Duty.
Oddly, I am only in the mood to work on my blog at 1- 5 am in the morning. That’s just how I roll.
If you’re wondering why I decided to integrate my personal & professional blog this is the long short of it: I wanted to. It’s hard maintaining two blogs so this makes it easier.
I don’t mind sharing these deep dark parts of my life anymore. I know I used to because I felt like there was no place in the world for my teenage stricken anxiety & rebelliousness but there is now. This is the place.
Anyways, today Paolo got me a gaming keyboard and mouse. It’s amazing. I used to not like that Paolo’s love language was gifts but when you’re stuck in quarantine and your husband goes out of his way to get you the gummies you like, KBBQ meat & gaming stuff to keep you from having your 1 millionth anxiety attack- a girl can’t complain.
I’m actually really grateful.
It’s been a really weird couple of months and I wish I had thought to blog again sooner but you know- sometimes the best ideas come to you in the middle of the night while your dog is pushing you off to the edge of the bed.
I’ve been on lockdown for the last 2 months and let me tell you- I’ve been through all the emotions.
I recently decided to declutter my closet and once the ECQ has been liften, I plan on selling them and instantly replacing them with these cheap clothes online that I’ve been eyeing for the last few weeks.
Honestly, online shopping has definitely kept my thoughts at bay. It’s helped me cope and look forward to all the places I can’t wait to wear these pieces at!