the ends and not the means

in a few hours i will be 20 years old and my old wish is to be able to feed the psychiatric patients in VSMMC. there are about 150 patients and on the 28th of october my only wish is to be able to show my parents what great an impact these people have on me… if only VSMMC would let me.

i mean, understand how it is to have a specific process and all that shit but COME ON. just for a feeding ya’ll have to make it sooo damn hard for me? i really really hate it. but the means will justify the ends this time. i worked hard for something im passionate about even if i had to drag myself out of bed for it.

my phone is also broken. so fml MORE.

i haven’t turned 20 yet and already, it sucks,.

Forgive Me If I Forget…

I came into this relationship with issues, baggage if one might call it, but you did too. We started this thing not knowing what would become of us or if we would even make it. We hardly even knew what we really meant to each other except for the fact that we were living for a moment and that moment was us.

I’m happy that we’ve made it this far even though sometimes, to our shame, we’ve looked back. But maybe sometimes it’s not such a bad thing to look back. After all, the past is a good place to visit but never stay in, right? And I’m really happy to say that no matter how many times I’ve doubted this relationship, I’ve never doubted you for a second- it’s always been me whose held us back. I’ve always known that but i guess my pride gets the best of me.

I don’t know whats come over me to write something so cheesy as this but I guess I know that I’ve always owed you an apology. So here it goes…

Sorry for not telling you how amazing you are when you hug me and make me feel like the only girl in the world.

Sorry for getting mad at you when you call me in the middle of the day just to say “hi” or “how’s your day?”. I know some girls would DIE for their boyfriends to give them that time.

Sorry for looking away when I see you stare too long and too hard at me. Your gaze makes me melt and I don’t want you to see how vulnerable you make me.

Sorry for getting irritated over the smallest things.

Sorry for getting more irritated when you try to make me smile from being irritated over the small things.

Sorry for always thinking of the worst. Some bad habits are hard to break.

Sorry for constantly thinking that I’m right. I now know that the only thing I’ve ever been right about my whole life is keeping you.

Sorry for thinking that you are horrible when in fact you’re not. You always try to bring out the best in me even when there’s really nothing good about me.

Sorry for telling you that you don’t support me even when that’s the only thing you’ve ever done. I guess when I don’t believe in myself I need to think that you don’t too. Because I constantly need to think I’m right.

Sorry for making you write my notes and requirements. You have nice hand writing, I can’t help it.

Sorry if I keep stealing your shirts. I cannot function unless I have a piece of you around me.

Sorry if I want more than I can get most of the time like when i eat your food or when i get your money. When i said that when we get married and you need to give me $5,000.00 a month I swear I was kidding. $4,500.00 would be fine, really. :}

I’m sorry if I’m an evil bitch lady to you 99% of the time. If I’ve punched or smacked you on a couple occasions, I won’t do it anymore and I’ve kept true to that. But you make me want to be better unfortunately, there’s nothing good to make better so it’s hard most of the time.

And lastly, I’m sorry if I don’t show you that I love you enough but you have to know, I’ve never felt this way before. I don’t believe in mushy teenage flick quotes anymore because all of that doesn’t seem real to me anymore. You are the only thing that is real and this thing that we have, THIS is real… at least for me anyways.

I love you. I love you million x infinity x alpha x omega PERIOD.

Please don’t forget that, Juan Paolo Climaco <3

The absolute most awful thing in the world for me is feeling like i am being controlled, manipulated,tied down or suffocated. So it’s best that you know that I won’t let you. You see, my understanding of a relationship is a commitment wherein you swear to be with that person through the decisions you make and make decisions together. NOT make all the decisions on your own- especially mine. i personally don’t give a fuck what you do with mine because i know you’ll always be fine… just stop trying so hard to take over mine.

i blame only myself for all these misfortunes. Once again i gave someone the impression that they could just walk into my life and tell me how to live MY life.