I’m kind of a strong believer that we are who we are because of certain circumstances that occurred in our lives that caused us to be who we are today. My theory is that, in the middle of an ordinary day something extraordinary happened that changed us for what might be forever. But forever seems like such a long time so I might as well say for as long as we let it affect us. I do not like putting time periods on anything and forever does just that.
Let’s take my Yaya for example. She is terribly horrified of the thought of insects like roaches, worms or anything gross and slimmey. This is because when she was younger, her brothers would torment her with these creepy crawlies which eventually gave her nightmares. These nightmares, she carries with her until now and the very thought of these things scare the shit out of her.
Another is my sister, she knows very well to stay away from an eating dog. Once when she was 3, she went up to our dog, Poochy, who was in the middle of her meal which consisted mainly of bones and sardines [not something you should be feeding your dog on a daily basis, really] and all of a sudden, Poochy bit her on her leg. Because of that incident she had to get vaccines on multiple occasions which caused her not only to be more cautious of dogs in the middle of their meals but also made her terrible horrified of needles, injections and the like.
And me? I’m scared of falling in love. I’m mostly scared because I know what it’s like to give everything you can to someone who changes their mind. And that’s my story. But there are certain things that happen in your life on an ordinary day that seem to change everything. Mine was meeting you. And now I’m not so scared anymore.
In all honesty, you make me scared. I’m scared that I’m going to feel things I told myself so many times before not to feel. I’m scared that when this is all over- I’m going to feel sorry, I’m going to get hurt and I’m going to be the one feeling like I was never enough because I was never good enough for anybody. But it never seemed to matter before. What scares me the most is that, with you, it’s actually true. I am NOT good enough for you because you’re too good for me. and everybody knows that.
And i swear to all my gods, you give me feelings i thought i would never feel again.
and i love you. i’ll give you that.
with translations for your non bisaya speaking pleasure
alvinpchua: Mata pa ka? [are you still up?]
alvinpchua: I meant dili pa ka matulog? [you won’t sleep yet?]
issadog_102890: dili pa ciguro [nope, i guess not]
alvinpchua: K tell me the situation sush what’s going on?
issadog_102890: ok, kuan. we’re having a hard time financially right now dad like we’re trying to cut back soo much and mao sad na nga dili na kaayu ko tig internet kay kalas ug electricity [and that’s also why i don’t go on the internet so much anymore because it’s a waste of electricity]
issadog_102890: basically we have so much debt right now that we don’t know how to handle it anymore and it’s come to the point na i might not have tuittion for next semester and i might have to stop for a semester
issadog_102890: but since nursing ko, i can’t just stop for a sem, it would have to be for a whole year so i really need help plus kana ang 4k that you send me, i basically live off that right now
alvinpchua: Kanus-a man diay ang next tuition due and how much man? [when is next tuition due…]
issadog_102890: first week of march, dad. i still have to pay 20k
alvinpchua: K so we still have time. I wouldn’t want it nga mahunong ka sa schooling nimo pero u also know that right now, I don’t have a staedy income. And business is slow right now. I will try to save up for that pero I can’t guarantee
alvinpchua: Unsa man ang plano sa imong mom karon? R u planning to come to the u.sm?
alvinpchua: U.s. I mean
issadog_102890: no. si papa ang mu larga to work just to make ends meet
issadog_102890: i’m not planning to move to the states
issadog_102890: i’m going to australia, new zealand or europe probably
alvinpchua: Ang 20K u need it sa 1st of march pa?
alvinpchua: Ato lang unya nang hinayhinayan pero u need to cut down on your unecessary expenses too
issadog_102890: yeah, i commute naman gani to school
alvinpchua: Sush dili baya na sayon mag abroad ka. Especially kung wala kay relatives so think about ana imong plans of going to other countries
alvinpchua: Swerte gani ta diri kay naa tay relatives diri pero even with tha, they are not there to help if needed. Unsa pa kaha if ikaw ra
issadog_102890: mommy’s moving with me man when i move
issadog_102890: nag sabot naman gyud mi daan na i can work wherever i want and she’ll help me ou she’ll ive with me for a while
alvinpchua: You can never tell what’s going to happen so it is best gyud that you have someone to go with you
issadog_102890: and we know people from new zealand and mommy has relatives from where i wanna work man sad gyud
issadog_102890: i don’t wanna be bounded to the states. i know bati kaayu dira
alvinpchua: So ur mom is moving to australia, or new zealand or europe too?
alvinpchua: So what is she going to do there? Mag trabaho siya. She’ll have to start over and with kids to take care of
alvinpchua: And don’t think that friends and relatives are going to be there all the time to help out when u need theem.
issadog_102890: basta dad kami ra mangita ug way ngadto i just don’t wanna move back to the states
alvinpchua: Ako pud batian man pud ko diri sa dallas but this is where the family is. Ur tita marvi is here.
alvinpchua: I’m not saying that, I’m just saying to think about it well.
issadog_102890: ok i will
alvinpchua: Ani pud sush, years ago, ur mom asked me to sign papers nga e adopt ka. it was the hardest thing for me to do pero they said that it was needed so maka ari mo sa states kay ga lisod kuno mo diha. And I wanted desperately to see u so I signed it. It was a big mistake and I regret that so much
alvinpchua: Karon na pud ingon na pud sila that naglisod napud. I know know kung what to expect kay last time wla man sila mo follow through with their plans. And now plano na pud nila adto sa australia, new zealand or asa pa. How will I see u na?
alvinpchua: I sacrificed so much nga maka uli uli na ko so I can see u unya mo balhin napud mo mas layo?
issadog_102890: ako man ang ni pili dad na mag australia dili man sila
issadog_102890: kay di man ko ganahan sa health care system ngara
alvinpchua: Its up to u sush. I just want to know that its not their decision nga without thinking it through. And I want you to at least think it through. I understand that u have to find ur opportunity. Pero weight it out if healthcare lang ba imong basihan? How does it matter to u? That’s all politics. Even politicians don’t care about that. They just want their own agenda
issadog_102890: basta ang akoa lang gyud dad noh is honestly, i don’t like it na you keep telling me to live close to family2x like in dallas kay naa si tita marvi and you guys. because that’s what you want and that’s what you think is best for me but it’s honestly not something that i want. ganahan ko na akong buhaton unsa akong ganahan and mommy and papa support it man sad and i think mas labaw man ilang opinion because i’m living with them and they’re the ones supporting me man gyud
alvinpchua: I’m not asking u to live with us sush. Ur old enough. And I don’t expect u to be with us gyud. Pero that’s what I’m saying ba, they have priority over you and they even chose to adapt you. Responsibility unta ka nila. Not for them to come asking me to help with u kung maglisod sila. If my interest is not for u, dili gyud ko motabang. When they decided to adapt you they took on that responsibility. Actaually dili man sila ga support nimo. Di ba you just told me you’re living off from the allowance that I’m sending? And I know dako dako pud na akong padala nimo kay I have employees there that I pay less
alvinpchua: I am helping because anak tika not becsuse naglisod sila
alvinpchua: And I think I deserve to have a say about things because in some way or another, I have been there for u
issadog_102890: it’s proli big enough for them but kuwang gihapon kay na para nako dad oie. i don’t mean to sound ungrateful but that’s just allowance for me now and it’s not even enough mag baon naman gani ko, i ride a jeep, i don’t go out na. Plus my tuittion is 40k a semester plus allowance mommy used to give me, plus food, plus uniform, plus book, plus clothes, plus food, plus the money they spend to live in their house. you make me feel so bad when you say that you think that what you’re sending me is more than enough because ka klaro anang it’s not. and i can’t even give the money you send to mommy. if your sending less money to your workers then you’re kinda putting me in the same level as they are. i don’t think you should be doing that. unsa ko sweldoan nimo, dad? what do you mean dili sila ang g
issadog_102890: support nako? you send me 4k in a month
alvinpchua: Think about it sush, a parent will not let go of their child easily. My interest with you is not about the money but what’s best for you. If they are letting you make all the decisions about your future and mo sunod sunod lang sila nimo then there’s something wrong with that
issadog_102890: that’s 500 a week. i have 6 days of school and that doesn’t include fare and all my extra allowance. dili ikaw ga supporta nako, dad. sila gihapon because they bring me to school in the mornings when they can, they pay for my food, etc. how dare you say that they are not the ones na nag supporta nako kay kana imung kwarta isn’t saving me right now. i’m just dealing with it because i want to help out.
issadog_102890: honestly dad di gyud ko ganahan magpatabang nimo and if you can’t then just tell me nalang right now and i won’t force you kaysa imung insultuhon ang mga tao who’re raising me right now. because i’ll find a way. as much as i don’t want to stop, i will. i’ll find a job. i just wanted you to say that you’ll help me without all this hassle.
issadog_102890: what’s so wrong with letting me do what i want? it’s my life anyways, dad. kaysa magpa buot ko pirmi. di man sad ciguro ko mismo mu sugod ana oie!
alvinpchua: Sush support is not counted in terms of money. A billionaire can give an allowance of millions a month to a child but that still would not be enough. When I mean support I mean that I sacrificed for that small amount that I am sending you
Last message received on 2/5/2010 at 12:19 AM
issadog_102890: and i’m grateful, dad. i really am. but ayaw e nawng nako na wala sila nag supporta. unsa mana imung gi ingn na they’re not the ones supposrt me? and that there’s something wrong with letting me get what i want? for me to make my own decisions? they support me, dad. and if i decide to stop schooling for a while it’s because i want to help support them because they’ve worked so hard na.
alvinpchua: Wala ko magnuot nimo sush kay I know my words don’t mean anything . I can onbly give advices. Look I was once the same as you and your mom was too. Dili magpabuot and thought that we knew better. Why do you think we got married at such a young age? Was that our parent’s decision? Look who got affected by our pagbuot buot?
issadog_102890: dad this isn’t about getting married or something. this is about where i’m gonna work and where i’m going to make a living! lahi ra kaau na ang duha
alvinpchua: I am not insulting them. I am grateful that they raise you well but they are ungrateful for the things that I have done.
issadog_102890: did you even ask me if i wanted to move there? or be in the states where family is? no, dad.
alvinpchua: I’m not talkin about marriage sush. I was talking about thinking nga dili ka magpabuot
issadog_102890: how are they ungrateful? how would you know? kay sila ang ga sturya nimo karun?
alvinpchua is typing a message.
issadog_102890: we’ll talk about it in the future mommy has been talking to her friends about life there
alvinpchua: I suggested. I knew you don’t want to be here and that you dislike the chuas
Life here is hard. Why do you think that I prefer to move there
issadog_102890: what ever made you think it’s easier here? that’s what you always think!
alvinpchua: Life is what u make it. It doesn’t matter where you are
alvinpchua: It won’t be easy there but I will be content ther
issadog_102890: wa nako kasabot nganu naa nata diri na topic
i am so tired from duty. all the time. my uniform is loose now which is a good thing so maybe now i can fit back into my old clothes. i asked my dad to help me with finances but that just led him to avoiding me as if we were always talking to begin with.
it was my parents anniversary today and it was stellar. i’ll update when i’m not tired. which will be when??