yeah, idk. just a thought. it kinda got me thinking [cuz i’ve been the moody one lately] if we are always in love. like, if he can still truly say that he’s in love with me when the whole world sucks and when i’m being the mother of all bitches. idk. it’s just a thought. i can have the feeling that i’m hard to love sometimes. no, maybe most even.
honestly sometimes, i don’t know what say. like when he wakes up early in the morning, i wanna say something sweet like, “hey you. good morning. did you sleep well? i had a dream about you last night. i’m probably going to have a good day because of that, too.” but then, i don’t cuz it sounds tacky. i don’t wanna be tacky. but sometimes i love him too much that i really do end up sounding rather tacky. admit it, bik. haha.
and then there are also times when i wake him up and i really wanna yell at him because i had a bad day [yeah, i have bad mornings all the time] but then i don’t cuz, i’d really rather not flood him with my problems. they’re petty anyways. which got me thinking, how come bik never has any problems? haha. i swear, he lives the most lax life ever. or that’s what i think.
and honestly sometimes i forget that we both have our own lives and that i’m just a part of his life or that he just plays the biggest role in mine. cuz sometimes, i can’t help but wish i was with him all the time. i can’t help but wish that i knew how a regular day in his life is. how he has conversations with other people. how he thinks. etc. cuz i jusr realized that i’m not him and if i can manage to have soo many flying emotions, what about him? cuz unlike him, i think out loud so it’s easy for him (and everyone else) to know what i’m thinking or what i’m feeling or etc. cuz i write. haha. i should probably stop writing, should i? haha. not going to happen! š
well, anyways, this is just random word vomit. i’m starting to learn that i should really stop hanging with the guys. i don’t wanna mess up [not that i’m prone to it but i’d rather just be sure]
why do i think this?
cuz yesterday i watched the simpsons with him and then i hung out with my guy classmates. idk. i just thought na maybe people would belittle my values because of this cuz one second i’m kissing my boyfriend and the second, i’m walking around the mall with 3 other guys. if i was someone else, i’d probably think that i was cheating. or i probably could. even if i know that i would never do something like that, idk. i just don’t feel “chillaxed” [eww] about the whole thing. i don’t want him to be with me one second and then with girls the next second. it has to start with me. i have to do all these things. and i will.
so lately, we’ve been good. i’ve been torturing him, though and he’s been unconsciously torturing me.
in some ways i’m actually happy i’m not at bagiuo. haha. on the 27th, [3 unofficial months. yey issa!] bik came over while papa was home. he watched me eat, we sat outside, talked, went inside to watch goal 2 until the fucking tv got busted and we watched miguel dance to nursery rhymes that he learned at school. [it’s nice to know that he actually learns something. haha!] and you’d think tha’d be all, but it wasn’t. we actually had coffee with my papa at coffee bean. and my papa ordered 3 cakes too! hahahha! imagine, i was wishing that for 3 months and it actually happened. it just goes to show that we need to take a jump sometimes and actually go out do something we really want. my jump for that day was actually finding the guts to ask mommy if he could come over. lol. thank you, god. :]
it just sucked that i couldn’t kiss him, though. i really wanted to. i was dying inside because he was there and i was so drawn to him but i couldn’t cuz papa was there. :[ but it’s ayt. i get to kiss him all the time. the important thing is that he was there and i got to spend the whole night with him even if he was soo tired.
btw, i’ve decided that i’m gonna start being a good sister. no matter how hard that may be. especially how hard that seems. she’s my sister. i have been one to her lately.
i’m at granny’s cuz i’m not at bagiuo and home is depressing. i’ve been busy lately with my project in accounting and i still have to print it. i’m going to take a bath and get ready now.
btw2, i talked to daddy a few hours ago. imagine that. haha. this life is too complicated.
oh!! and yeah, last night i hung out with james again! me, granny and him at paseo. my granny made him eat 4 slices of pizza. poor kid. that must’ve sucked big time. and tothink, he’s trying to loose weight.
i love you, bik. you’ve done soo much for me already. let me do something for you this time. š
my dreams are slowly coming true. and i love every minute of this life. <333333333
