the worst countdown in the world

so today it’s 3 days til i meet my dad again. every single time i think i about it, i feel like getting sick and puking. i know the best solution is proli not to think about it because MAYBE it’s not a big deal. but we all know that it is. It is a very big deal.

i cried on my papa’s belly this morning because i couldn’t take it anymore. Sure the drinking was fun, i got to hang with Christian, but you know, i guess there are just some things alcohol cannot make up for anymore. Guess there are just some feelings that don’t go away as fast as the other feelings have and gaaah. i’m tired of always talking about this.

I am looking forward to CESAFI though. i hope my friends watch. I hope christian watches. He’s so cute and tiny  want to squish him. haha.


drunk on the sidewalk

oh today was soo bad. i got drunk but when i think about it, it was such a success because it was exactly what i wanted to achieve in the first place. i was there with a bunch of different friends from USCTC, STC, VELEZ and CDU. it was so interracial :))

the only embarrassing part was younger kids [1st year kids] had to take care of me.

christian was there too! but idk too much drama circulating that kid. drama my system is not willing to handle not with everything going on.

i feel sorry for miljo because he took care of me. carried me, hugged me, let me bite him – everything.

i will proli clean up my act just give me one last drunk day

saturday night- live [the adjective kind]

at the internet cafe in the canteen. for some reason, i tend to spend most of my free time here cuz most of the guys i hang out with when nina isn’t here playing dota here and since no one wants to play l4d with me, i just waste time on you, xanga. HAHA.

dad’s coming here in exactly a week and i am slowly loosing my mind. this is an example of our recent conversations:

alvinpchua: i can’t wait to finally see you, sush.
issadog_102890: ehhh.. yeah, me too.

nina said i should try being more genuinely nice to him for once. and yeah, i would love to actually do that but the question is: HOW?

i’m not good with strangers. when i’m around people i don’t know, i avoid small talk, i don’t maintain eye contact and i try my best to stay as far away as possible. I’d give it like a few months before you upgrade yourself to a casuality. But i can’t just push you away like that, can i? i wish i could.

I don’t know why i’m freaking out so much over this. This morning, i was sitting down and i imagined being around my dad and for a split second, i was happy. i was even excited. but i immediately shut the possibility out because i know that if my mom knew this, she would hate me.

i hate fighting two battles. i hate having to fight their battles for them.

i’m scared of him, honestly. mostly because he’s a lot like the wind. he’ll come and he’ll go. he could be a typhoon, too. come, ruin me and leave. and not even apologize for it. :/

i’m so tired of all this emotional stress that is caused by him. but in exactly a week, he’ll be here. it’s been 13 years. what do i do? do i hug him? hold his hand? kiss his cheek? cry?

this is the moment i’ve been dreading my whole life and it’s finally happened. you can’t imagine all the episodes running inside my head. it’s eating me alive.

please crash.


die and die slowly

blah blah blah blah

it’s almost timeeeeeee

one week and 2 days. why do i feel like i’m going to shit in my pants? and why am i so scareddd? 🙁

i wish i had a spirit out of body experience. and i am random. i am also pissed and i will also play soccer and i wish it would rain so i could cry tonight and it would be ok.

I wish your plane crashes. and my pasalubongs still get here. maybe.

breaks make me high

so i’m on an hour and thirty minute break. i’m not used to breaks like this. i wish i was playing L4D but keenan cannot be trusted. therefore, i hate his guts now. lol.

blah blah, i’m bored. and my dad will be here in exactly a week and 3 days. i am sort of freaking out.

i’ll blog later. i just did this for the sake of the pretty pictures.


dear daddy, i do NOT want to move to the states with you

technically, i am a product of this mans sperm…

but i am this man’s daughter

i honestly cannot say that i love my real father in any way possible and if i could drop him from my life, i would. I could chose one family and erase the other, i would erase his. all my life he has only brought me pain and misery. I am the person i am today because of him – anti social, always unsure and not easy to trust. sometimes these are my biggest downfalls.

all my life i’ve been trying to escape him. But right now, i just can’t keep doing it. I know i have to face him and somehow make it through this.

how do you make up for 13 years, huh? How do you manage to walk into my life and act like you are the biggest thing that has ever happened to me? you’re not. and even if you have the biggest effect on me, i do not consider you significant in any way. Because you’re going to leave me like you’ve left me so many other times and you are going to make me believe in so many things and once i do, you’re going to hurt me.

And now, you give me an option of actually live with you despite knowing ALL my plans. These are MY dreams and i am NOT going to allow you to manipulate me in order for you to get what you want. I am NOT going to move to Dallas with you nor am i going to help you in any way possible. I am NOT going to ever be a part of your family because YOU ARE NOT MY FAMILY either. no matter what anybody says.

what i feel for you, dad. i feel on my own terms. you must think i’m some little girl who doesn’t think about anything important. but you should know, these are the only things i think about. i’m not dumb. so don’t treat me like i am.

I’m moving to LA to go to school at FIDM after college. I’m going to find the job i actually love and you cannot stop me. You cannot have an opinion and even if you do- it will not be attended to.

so please. leave me alone. it’s enough that i’m actually seeing you when you come. Don’t push your luck. or all the wrong buttons.


i don’t think i’ve been able to update you guys on my life with pictures in a while so i’m giving myself the chance to do just that. only because i finished writing notes pretty early and i deserve the nice blog anyways 😀

So lately, this is what i’ve been up to…


renette’s party

J.Lu’s party

i’ve been to more i just don’t have the pictures yet : /

School [and failing miserably at it]:

Dating THIS guy…..

but ending it a day before we ould even reach a month because:
he’s a model
he doesn’t eat because he’s vain
he kept trying to get in my pants
he’s a dancer
and because i think he’s gay

…. while making out with this guy [AGAIN]:

i seriously have no values anymore. :[

and i never posted it til now but THIS was the first time i made out with Kim Inting:

i think i run to him when i’m drunk.
but only because i’m drunk.

most of the time i am fully convinced that he is secretly gay.
i am just waiting for him to come out of the closet :>

hanging out with my sister from the states:

making youtube videos:

and soccer 🙂

next blog!