Nobody wakes up one day and decides that they’re gonna feel like shit.

Sometimes it starts with I don’t feel like dressing up today, to I’m not gonna cook, to maybe I’ll just lay in bed and not check socials. And then you check your socials and you find your heart sinking into your chest.

And then your phone rings and it’s a million people needing a million things from you and instead of wanting to do it- you just curl into a ball and pretend you didn’t read/ hear it.

And then you hate yourself for not wanting to do it but it doesn’t make you want to do it any more.

And then you can’t breathe. Your head starts to hurt more often than it used to. Your eyes start to twitch. You get pimples. You accidentally break stuff. You forget what your husband looks like. You have a hard time remembering things. You even almost forget your menstrual cup inside you.

It be like that sometimes.

We made amazing friends during this pandemic. * in particular. We played games together, sometimes 8 hours a day. We would talk until 3 in the morning, long after we shut down the computers. we’d be in bed, talking to him about finding a girlfriend, the games we play- life .

He would ask us everyday for updates. Everytime he came on he’d ask- what’re the updates? Ecq? Mcq? Gcq? I never thought anything of it.

Today he got bad news. What do you say when you hear bad news? It’s gonna be ok? What if it doesn’t get ok? * said if he has it and he doesn’t make it, the first time I’ll meet him is at his wake.

He said- now you’ll have more people to cry about. Joel and now, me. Before i found out I said- when all of this is done, let’s eat chicken wings. He said, I doubt that’ll ever happen.

God. Why is this happening. I can’t take it.

We made amazing friends during this pandemic. * in particular. We played games together, sometimes 8 hours a day. We would talk until 3 in the morning, long after we shut down the computers. we’d be in bed, talking to him about finding a girlfriend, the games we play- life .

He would ask us everyday for updates. Everytime he came on he’d ask- what’re the updates? Ecq? Mcq? Gcq? I never thought anything of it.

Today he got bad news. What do you say when you hear bad news? It’s gonna be ok? What if it doesn’t get ok?

* said if he has it and he doesn’t make it, the first time I’ll meet him is at his wake. He said- now you’ll have more people to cry about. Joel and now, me.

Before i found out I said- when all of this is done, let’s eat chicken wings. He said, I doubt that’ll ever happen.

God. Why is this happening. I can’t take it.

We made amazing friends during this pandemic. * in particular. We played games together, sometimes 8 hours a day. We would talk until 3 in the morning, long after we shut down the computers. we’d be in bed, talking to him about finding a girlfriend, the games we play- life .

He would ask us everyday for updates. Everytime he came on he’d ask- what’re the updates? Ecq? Mcq? Gcq? I never thought anything of it.

Today he got bad news. What do you say when you hear bad news? It’s gonna be ok? What if it doesn’t get ok?

* said if he has it and he doesn’t make it, the first time I’ll meet him is at his wake. He said- now you’ll have more people to cry about. Joel and now, me.

Before i found out I said- when all of this is done, let’s eat chicken wings. He said, I doubt that’ll ever happen.

God. Why is this happening. I can’t take it.

I saw a woman with bruises all over her face & body. I asked if she was ok. She said she wanted to get out of where she was but she had nowhere to go and I can’t help but wonder how many women are also experiencing the same thing during the pandemic & even not during the pandemic.

I promised to help her but it’s 4 am and I can’t sleep but I also have no idea what to do.

I will help her.

At 3 am last night, one of my best friend’s dad passed away.

I woke up this morning with the horrible news and I felt my entire body go numb. I had to just sit for a moment and ask myself- what can I do? How can I help my friend? Is there anything I can do?

At this point, not much.

It’s so hard when people pass on because they forever leave the people they love behind. They move on and we get left here forever trying to heal and I don’t think we ever do.

I hate death and the fact that I can’t hug one of my oldest friends.

Tito, you will forever be loved & missed. Thank you for always calling me putot and gamay.

I hope you can have pets in heaven.