february 1

it’s the first and i’m waiting for your answer. So tell me, is it going to be a good one or am i going to spend the night tossing and turning, wondering in my dreams what it would have been if you were there? Will you leave me completely numb tonight thinking of stupid reasons why i choose to stay behind, trying to find reasons why i should leave only to find myself living on every word you say in the end, if you decide to say something, that is.
because is that, you drive me crazy. through the roof, out of my mind crazy.
and i need to know that i give you the same sensation when our fingers lock or when you pull me closer
my life kind of depends on what you’re going to say next.
so say it.

it’s the first and i’m waiting for your answer. So tell me, is it going to be a good one or am i going to spend the night tossing and turning, wondering in my dreams what it would have been if you were there? Will you leave me completely numb tonight thinking of stupid reasons why i choose to stay behind, trying to find reasons why i should leave only to find myself living on every word you say in the end, if you decide to say something, that is.
because is that, you drive me crazy. through the roof, out of my mind crazy.
and i need to know that i give you the same sensation when our fingers lock or when you pull me closer
my life kind of depends on what you’re going to say next.
so say it.

I suggest you stop breathing

the commercial on abs-cbn is about contraceptives. oral pills and injectables and condoms. i unno, it’s the first time i’ve “heard” it [since i’m not facing the tv] but it sounds soo weird. i can’t help but wonder why my parents never talked to me about what condoms were or what contraceptives are either. i guess this is why i go to school. to meet people who know stuff about it. LOL.

OMG, MORALES HAS A SAN MIGUEL COMMERCIAL
AND DAAAAMN IS HE FIIINE!

anyways, school was ayt. had dance practice and i have a new hamster look. chabel, the hamster died 🙁

someone get me a new one.


i want to be there for you.
i do, but i can’t do this anymore.
i can’t keep being your second choice,
not when you’re my first.

THIS IS WHAT YESTERDAY WAS ABOUT!!!!

I Forgot What We Stayed For

I don’t know what it is that I see in him. Maybe it’s
the thirst from knowing that I can’t be with him that makes me want him even
more. Maybe it’s the way I know that he doesn’t need me as much I need him that
drives me wild. But one way or another, I know that when I look at him, he’s
all I’d ever need. I know that even though we don’t have the best conversations
or we never have the right things to say, it’ll always be the best time for me.
The time we spent together will always make me smile and they always last more
than a day or a week. They last for a very long time.

 
            But
sometimes I get the feeling that you don’t like me as much as I want you to, as
much as I like you to or as much as I could. Sometimes I feel like I could
never be the girl who’ll make him happy. I know for some reason that I could
never be the girl who’d make him feel invincible or make him forget the world. I
know that I could never be the one who he’d smile at and feel lucky to have
because I’m just not that kind of girl and that kills me. But not because I can’t
be that person, it’s more because those feelings are exactly how he makes me
feel.

 
            I thought
I’d give up on myself or at least on the thought of falling for someone that I was
never sure that I could have. But I guess guys like him will always be a
reminder of why I never fulfill my promises. Guys like him will always make me
want them more. I want the ones that are impossible to have. And in my world, I
call that murder.

My ideal man is every other girls typical knight in
shinning armor on a white stallion riding up to my castle high up in the sky,
battling dragons and multi headed beasts, saving me from the fortress in the
sky, breaking the evil witches spell and carrying me off into the forest, to
his castle and making me his queen.

            If
you ask me, I call them royal day dreams. Yes, I am a day dreamer and yes, time
and again I do dream of boys and how it would feel to actually be “more than
friends” with one.

If you were to ask me who
my ideal man was, I’d have to say fantasy wise, I’m completely head over heels,
oozing in love with Jonathan Jackson and Adamy Brody, Chad Michael Murray and
all those eye candies on the television but that was completely called for. So lowering
my expectations, physical features wise, (that means cancel the hot hot hot
body of Brad Pitt, gorgeous eyes of Stephen (
Laguna Beach) and etc.) I guess I’m
eternally on the look out for the next best thing, my very own Red Power
Ranger. Lol.

But to be completely
honest, as much as I’d like to stand out among the crowd, I cannot deny that I
am, in every single way just like every other girl. I wake up in the morning, hair’s
a mess, face is unbearable, my room’s always dirty and in my life, there will
always be this boy who I’ll fancy one day and can’t stand to think of the next.
I am very much like that. If you were wondering why well it’s because I simply
think that changing minds is easier than getting hurt. (Note: I fancy them not
get involved with, there’s a difference.) Which leads to my second “I wish my
guy would be”…

I wish my guy wouldn’t hurt
me or at least be there when I was. I want a best friend. And my first wish?
That my Mr. Right ought to be God fearing and he ought to know who he pays
respect to- parents, good friends, etc. I want a guy who’s 100% supportive
unless I try to do something stupid, of course. I want him to be in the front
row of my recitals and in the grand stand during my competitions cheering me
on, win or loose. Sincerity is also a big thing for me, as well. When he says
that he misses me, there’s no other place in the world he’d rather be than with
me. When he says that he’ll be there, he will. And when he finally says those
magic words, he’ll mean it with all his heart and not ever think twice about
taking it back.

 
Loyal, honest, decent,
intellectual, well- rounded, considerate, sweet, sociable, has a sense of
humor, talented, hard working ambitious… anyone can be all those things and
that’s not a bad thing for me but those aren’t the only reasons that’ll make me
fall. Because I want more than that.

 
What ever happened to being
serenaded outside your house, being brought flowers and asking for our parents
approval? Technology and the new times will never be a good enough reason for
me. I want a real guy, an “I want to make us work” guy, an “I believe in a
thing called love” guy. Because my mommy always told me that a real guy will
always consider your family if he wants something real and I couldn’t agree
more.

 
I believe that a real guy
isn’t afraid to cry but when it comes to physical features, definitely someone
who’ll compliment me. But in the end, I guess what really matters to me is that
I’d find someone who would bring out the best in me. Someone who’d motivate me  and give me better reasons to live. Someone
who’d accept me for who I am and who I could turn out to be. I guess all I
really want is a little happiness in the wasteland. I little color, a little
something to smile, laugh, jump and blush about.

But I’m definitely not in a
hurry. If it takes me a little longer than expecting, I wouldn’t mind because I
know that I wasn’t created to be alone forever. He just isn’t here yet, I get
that. Save the best for last, I get that too. But in the mean time, I’m a pink
paperclip princess waiting for my blue paperclip prince to come and outshine
all the others.
J

1/29/07

you see, my fear is that
if i keep thinking about you
about you and me
if i keep talking about you
about you and me
and what could be
you know, if we were an
us
i’d ruin every chance of it
actually happening.

because I have this curse.
The more i think about
someone
something
anything
it is most likely
not going to happen
and i don’t want that to happen
you know,
us
not
happening…

and boy,
you touched all the right spots.
you know
how to touch girl
and what parts mean
most to me
and i didn’t even have to tell you
you just guessed.

so this is me working with
reverse psychology:

you are not going to call me
you are not going to text me
you are not going to see me
you are not going to see me
you are not going to like me
you are going to hate me
you are going to make me an option
you are not going to need me
not going to miss me
not going to talking about me
not going to think about me
and you are going to do everything you’re
soo fond of doing to me
[p.s. holding my hand and etc. is not one of them]

so help me, god

Would You Just PLEASE Keep My World Spinning?

January 29. 2007

    haha. for some weird reason, i like the title.
    i don’t know why. i don’t have any strong or weird feelings or anything maybe just a little justification on my part would do. anything from you right now would do. god, why aren’t i used to this yet?
    i mean, yeah, i’m not looking for him. i’m not really expecting to see/ hear from him either but like, maybe just a simple text message would do? i don’t know. he’s like that. someone needs to turn my switch off now. i just might blow.
    i found the cutest little dress for prom in this cheap ass bridal place near sacred heart. i don’t care if it’s cheap ass, i love it. i feel soo princessy in it. i feel… pretty? lol. no, not that. not cute, hopefully.

    i’m fine. this is just me being a whiney brat.

diggul is my secret love.
so be it.
<3

   

butterflies and everything

i hope you know that when i said that
we were over
i meant it

omg, prom was beautiful.

ok, i’ll narrate what i can in full details.

so, me, papa, casey and miguel had a very big breakfast at Jollibee. I had pancakes and that longganisa meal that i only got cuz my papa told me to. lol. There we talked about everything . anything. i told him how everyone was excited for prom and that it wasn’t a big deal for me cuz i don’t know, i just wasn’t that excited for it. but it was the exact opposite of what i expected. it was glamorous and i loved it.

i went to the parlor at around 11:30 because the stupid bayot said that he had to work on my hair. my concept was that, he needed alot of time to beautify such an ugly canvas. haha. but suprisingly, it took shorter than expected. i was home by 2 with terrible archie andrew eyebrows and a weird up do. plus, i was soo sleepy. and i couldn’t lie down cuz i would ruin my hair and i couldn’t  eat either cuz well, i didn’t have any lipstick and i’d hate having to go to a wondeful prom with my purple lips. so i starved myself. lol. no, i ate small oranges.

francis picked me up at around 6. talked to papa and i was to be home by 2. strictly 2. not 2:01. 2.

i was quiet at first. i hated being all made up. it made me feel.. ugly. and made up. i don’t like it when people see me like that. that’s not me. but whateve. anyways, so i was quiet at first. we went to IT Park  for the bus that we ended up not riding and  yeah.

i bet my pictures were horrible. i don’t want to see them. no, thank you. lol.

then we ate, watched the slide shows and shit. twas fun.

then the disco thinggy came. omg, that was awesome. diggul is like my dream dance partner  and bel too. those boys can dance.  francis wouldn’t dance man gud and i wasn’t planning on just sitting there, watching people dance because i have to be the people. that’s my nature. lol.

francis decided that we’d go to shang and hang out which was fun.  the way home was better. arms around my waste, butterflies and  everything. that boy just needs to loosen up. he’s such an old soul but i will always remember last night. foreber <3

btw, i got one of the corsage thinggies. beautiful. <3

will you dance with me tonight?

i’m not excited but i’m not scared. today just feels like a regular saturday afternoon except today i’ll be out the whole afternoon. lol.

so, today’s prom night. my first prom. and i unno. i’m just glad i’m going and glad-der HAHA cuz i’m going with someone i’m very comfortable with.

i made francis this letter. i won’t tel him about it. i’ll just wait til he reads it gyud. i’m giving him a cd with our pictures in it. well, yeah, he asked for it.:p

wait, do you give people gifts on their prom? HAHA. wtf.

school yesterday was pretty awesome. jagger and mikel got into a fight, edgar and joseph got into a fight the other day too [andi had a lil bit of fault there]. haha. but whateve. i live for action like that.

well, i’m having breakfast with papa today. he wants to go through things before prom. He thinks i’ll do something stupid which i soo totally will not!

so, yeah. i’ll update later. :]

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rating feelings

mr. dj can i make a request,
pwede ba ‘yung love song ko?

do you see me?
do you feel me like i feel you?
call your number,
I cannot get through.
You don’t hear me.
[or did you ever consider the fact that you
don’t listen to me?]
And i don’t understand,
[what’s there to understand?
it’s spelled out beautifully for you]
When i reach out,
I don’t feel your hand

Were they wasted words?
[i would never waste such precious words.]
And did they mean a thing?
[you know i meant it]
And all that precious time,
Well, I just feel so in between

Someday
I just keep pretending
That you’ll say dreaming of a different ending
I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad
[you know i can’t.]
and i can’t keep something that i never had

I keep tell myself things can turn around with time
And if I wait it out you could always change your mind
[you know that i like not knowing. i just want to take my time from now on]
Like a fairy tale where it works out in the end
Can I close my eyes have you lying here again
Then I come back down
They dont pay back and
Then I realize its just what Its just what might have been.

Am I a shadow on your wall
Am I anything at all
Anything to you
Am I a sacrate that you came
Do you dream me while your sleeping after all

.

From the first day I met ya, I noticed your style
Had that B-boy swagger, not one of the crowd
And you talked like you knew me, kept comin’ around
And I fell for ya, yeah.

Then as time kept going, I noticed some things
That our love kept growing, wanted to run away
‘Cause the situations in the past, none of them really last
Memories just had a hold of me, ohhh.

But I, had to let go of the pain
Let love rain down on me (let it rain)
‘Cause you helped me open up my eyes, showed me things I could never see (let it rain)
‘Cause we can fight, and we make up,
Wanna see you when I wake up
I’ll stay with you only (let it rain)
Cause I need you to show me how our love should really be (let it rain).

I used to wonder where we’re going, and where I wanted to be
Sittin’ alone, all shook up when I found my destiny
Hearing songs on the radio, wishin’ that could happen for me, oh ohh (ohh oh)
Then when you came in the picture, then I knew quickly
That we could build something so strong
Expect the best for the future, forget about what used to be
I need you here all life long.

‘Cause I see the sunlight whenever we touch,
All day and all night, it’s never too much
Afraid of my feelings and falling too deep,
But everybody’s had this one time or another
When you need somebody to set your heart free, ohh ohhh.

.

i hope you could see rge tears that are trying soo hard not to fall right now

handle me with care </3

note to self:
smoking is definitely ruins climbing abilities

YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO’S MAKING THIS
HARD!