Dear Alvin P. Chua:
If I’m going to stay angry at you then I’ll only be cheating myself. If I allow myself to let you hurt me effortlessly then I will always be the one at loss. If I’m always going to wait for you to want me then I’ll always be depriving myself from the people that actually do.
If I think about you too often then I will never give myself the chance to think about the more important things and quite frankly, thinking about you has never gotten me anywhere. I’ve tried waiting around for you and I look back now and realize that I could’ve done so much more than waste my time on someone I knew would never show up. But stupid me for waiting. It’s ok though, I’m only human.
So I’m sitting here reading your messages over and over again trying to figure out what in Gods name popped up inside your head to feel the need to contact me again. And if I think about it real hard, I’d like to think that you did that because if something horrible happened to me, you would never have the chance to do the things you’ve wanted to do to or for me deep inside your heart. But my logic here is, if you wanted a reconciliation, you would’ve acted upon it now- now that you have the chance to. Hell, you would’ve done something years ago. Fuck that, you never would’ve started this shit. You would’ve been a better father, you would’ve been a better person!
But everything’s done and I guess I can go to sleep better knowing that I am better than you because at the end of the day, I’m never going to look back at our relationship and say that I wish I tried harder because I did. If you were to die right now, I cannot say that I would mourn for you out of the thought that I never got to know you because it was never up to me. I’ll take you like how I take my relationships.
So I’m going to end this by saying THANK YOU. Not expecting that? No, it’s ok, you deserve it. After all, you have contributed to my life in one way or another. Good or bad, your existence has been appreciated.
I’m grateful that at one point in time, I passed your mind. I’m grateful of the lessons you’ve subconsciously taught me. And I’m most grateful that you are not my father after all because you are no good for me.
Compensation, I’m good at that too.
I’m not done yet..