be like that

i had a really good day today . went to colon then the street bazaar and from there we walked all the way to robinsons and then that’s where i died. :))
papa picked me up there and we had persian palate food and now my fart smells horrible.:/

and arjie, kiara and daffy were really shocked “daw” to see me acting like a total goofball and stuff today because all they’re used to is me being talkative and mean or abnormally quiet and blah blah blah and i guess it got me thinking about how protective i am. i mean, especially with zul, and it does make me think about myself a lot and how i always feel the need to protect myself and how i have to leave/ hurt someone before they hurt me but every time i do that i have to pretend that i’m strong, that i’m ok but i know i’m not. So i start drinking so i can cry it out and when i’m with people i’m not sure about, i do something stupid and maybe all of this is happening because i feel most of the time that i have to be someone strong. i have to make people feel like they can’t read me. but in fact, i am very transparent. and very lost.

and i don’t want to be lost and transparent and hurt all the time. i wanna be able to say that “you will hurt me and i’m scared” instead of, “there’s nothing you can possibly do to hurt me” anymore. i’m tired of this and i just want to find my place.

i guess i want to be happy and not so scared. but i feel like i will always be scared.

49 thoughts on “be like that

  1. Bahahaha I’ve been like this recently, just acting colder so that I won’t get hurt. It’s not very nice being colder :(, I think in the end we end up hurting ourselves more than others can hurt us ^^;;. I think you need to find your group of friends who will always love you for who you are and you know they won’t hurt you, that’s the nicest thing ever :).How’s your bible reading been? Mine’s non-existant >_<;;.

  2. Bahahaha I’ve been like this recently, just acting colder so that I won’t get hurt. It’s not very nice being colder :(, I think in the end we end up hurting ourselves more than others can hurt us ^^;;. I think you need to find your group of friends who will always love you for who you are and you know they won’t hurt you, that’s the nicest thing ever :).How’s your bible reading been? Mine’s non-existant >_<;;.

  3. @Aa_bEbE_pHaT_aA – I used to hate beer but I like it now. Well..only more expensive ones ^^;;. The cheap ones taste horrible, more expensive ones are expensive. Mmmmm I still need to try some rum! I don’t mind vodka too much ^^ and I haven’t tried tequila either. One thing I hate though is gin T_T;. Nah I’m not underage, 18 to drink in the UK.

  4. @Aa_bEbE_pHaT_aA – I used to hate beer but I like it now. Well..only more expensive ones ^^;;. The cheap ones taste horrible, more expensive ones are expensive. Mmmmm I still need to try some rum! I don’t mind vodka too much ^^ and I haven’t tried tequila either. One thing I hate though is gin T_T;. Nah I’m not underage, 18 to drink in the UK.

  5. @whoosh90 – ohh. haha. i started drinking pretty young. we don’t have an age thingy here. well, we supposedly do but the rules don’t apply in the philippines. kinda sucks. remember the thing i told you about being able to pay the police? yeah. haha.you haven’t tried tequila?! no way! you should. you’ll die! haha that’s what kills me all the time. i’m scared of it actually. haha.ok you know how to make vodka good? mix it with sprite and blue gatorade. you will love me for this!

  6. @Aa_bEbE_pHaT_aA – How young’s pretty young? I started when I was 18, but not much. I’ve been drinking a lot this year though ^^;; I started drinking when I was sad and then got to like it hahaha. Yeah D:…so did you pay the police to get you alcohol eh eh ehhhhh? =P.>_>;; why do I want to die? XD:O that sounds amazing! I can imagine actually, it’d kinda taste like blue WKD I guess :D.

  7. @whoosh90 – i died from tequila last night. I WILL NEVER DRINK TEQUILA AND DRINK GILBEY’S GPS AS A CHASER EVER EVER AGAIN! :)) fuuuuck.ehh when i was in 6th grade it was beer and wine. we just wanted to laugh for no reason that time. young and curious times, i guess. haha.i like chilling more than clubbing though

  8. @Aa_bEbE_pHaT_aA – You so so so so so so will ;P. Have a fun night then? Hahahaha =P.T_T;; hardcore!!! How did you even get your hands on alcohol?! (You can so tell I’m a goody two-shoes ^^;;…)I don’t really like clubbing, you can’t chat with anyone or anything :(. I much prefer chilling and chatting, watching a movie, or going round mates and having fun there ^^.

  9. @Aa_bEbE_pHaT_aA – ftw = for the win ^^. As in chilling beats clubbing. Yeahhhhhhhh I always found it weird (._.);; yeah it is really disrespectful I don’t get why people would like that! Imagine a guy randomly touched a girl like that in the street he’d get arrested -_-;;.

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