If i come to think of it, things could be worse… But they aren’t. My grandfather could be a vegetable right now or open his eyes in the morning and not even know who I was. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to sing when he was happy or scream in frustration. If I think about it really hard and play out the events of that day that led to today- he could even be dead.
People always say that God makes things happen for a reason and even if I’m not the strongest believer in God, I like to think that God has some role in this interesting turn of events. I like to think that through this humbling experience we’ve all learned as a family the importance of one another. I’ve realized how fake people can be and how you can take the rodent out of the streets but never the street out of the rodent.
I’ve learned how Pathetic people can be all for a little attention and sympathy- and how facebook can you make you sound like the best shit in the whole world when in reality you’re just a little piece of turd floating around in that filthy toilet. I’ve seen how giving my father is and how moms best decision was deciding to have a family with him. I’ve learned how much life can change in one split second without even giving you the opportunity to prepare yourself. I’ve come to terms with the fact that the people you used to look up to the most can be the most disappointing ones and that denial can be of no help. When change is happening and when your FATHER needs you, sitting in coffee shops, eating expensive dinners and dating numerous men cannot help. I wonder if you lay in bed at night and wonder who’s taking your dad’s blood pressure or if you can even name 5 medications that he’s taking. I wonder if the men you sleep with give a fuck about the person who raised you. I just hope that if they think of him, they don’t think that you are a reflection of how you were raised- he raised you better than that. Stop humiliating yourself.
Then again maybe I’m just biased and sour graping because here I am in the middle of the night wide awake making sure he doesn’t poop all over the floor. But like I said, things could’ve been worse. At the end of the day useless aunt aside, there’s no other place in the whole world I would want to be. Sure I miss my family and sure I miss my old life but when lolo smiles it’s the best thing in the world. When he kisses my hand after figuring out what he wants after 10 minutes, it makes me melt.
I cannot count the number of times I look at him and want to cry because I know he never wanted this. This isn’t the lolo I used to know and it never will be. A lot of times I want to ask him something that requires an intellectual answer because I know he’s the smartest person I know and forget that he can’t talk but even his jibberish sounds outstanding.
But things could be worse. Keep telling yourself that….
Maybe one day you might start to believe it.