Not Much of Anything

Not much intellectual output on the emotional breakdown that went on from 2:00 o’ clock of this afternoon until late 5:00 today. 

It was really nice to know that I had my mom around to talk to though because technically, this is her fault. LOL.

Sometimes I think it’s stupid that I still get bothered about the fact that I am and always will be an “illegitimate” child. I mean, it is high time that I got used to the stigmas of being “the other child” or “Issa, *blah’s* kid with *blah* before *blah* and *blah*” and not just, “Issa, *blah’s* kid.”

I know other people have it much much worse than I do hence the, not much intellectual output on matter but honestly, sometimes it does suck. A lot.

In conclusion, I told my mom that I never wanted to get married, (which really isn’t a problem on my part because no one in the right mind would want to marry me) and she said something in the context of “who the hell are you trying to fool?” Which is partially true. Aside from success, all I’ve ever wanted was to have my own family. Give someone the chance to have the kind of family I never had and in some ways, know how it felt to be a part of a family that wasn’t avoiding each other or at each others necks.

I guess seeing my ancestors (yeah, ancestors) is and always will be a bitter reminder of my childhood that I have long tried to let go of. I guess I tried to run away from them like I tend to do instead of just embrace it and well, there goes my weakness.

But if I got anything out of that hour long heavy and tearful talk, it was that, I can still fix the things that I am not happy with in my life.

I think I’ll go buy myself a wig. I am currently unhappy with my hair. And the fact that my boyfriend didn’t make me his +1 to a wedding while everyone else did. The award for most thoughtful goes to…

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