Some things are meant to be broken but i won’t settle for being one of them


You know how people say you can never really have a completely good day? Or how you can never be completely happy? I always considered this thought because i don’t think there will ever be an instance in your life where you will find yourself completely happy. Nobody really means it when they say that “they could never really ask for more.” or that “EVERYTHING is perfect” because reality is, it never really will be. Those are just plain hard facts. I’m sorry but it’s true. It’ll always be, “i’m happy despite the fact that…” this and that. I would sell my soul is someone out there is actually happy with their life. No despites, no buts. We’re only human after all, and it is in our nature as human beings to always want a little more than we will ever have.

You know i always thought that i had found my place. I thought that you were happy to have me and that i made us a “family”. 19 years i’ve been with you. And even if we’ve had our ups and downs, our fights and dramas, i never had a doubt in my mind that i was yours and you would fight to keep me. but i guess that wasn’t the complete truth. I thought that when i came into your family, you had my best interest in mind. you mentioned once that you didn’t marry Jim because he didn’t treat me the way she wanted to. Maybe that’s just something you said to boost me up or to make me think you were the best mother in the whole world. And poor me, i took those lies and believed it.

When you married Lander, i thought we would be a family. i thought that THIS was our family. Papa, you danced with me on my birthday, cried and said that you couldn’t imagine your life without me. You said that i made our family what it is and you even said that you loved me as if i was your own. Sometimes i am too gullible for my own good. I seriously believe that.

I guess i just wanted acceptance, to belong and love. I’m not trying to imply the fact that you don’t love me, mom and pa. I just think that you are liars. you lied to me, you made me believe that i was one of you when in fact, thinking about it now, i am only a product of your pity.

You can’t leave me. If you left me, where would i go? where would i be right now? I bet you couldn’t live with your conscience of feeling incompetent because if you’re anything like me, i wouldn’t leave me either. but only for those reasons.

I don’t ask anything from you. I use what you give me and try to make the best out of it. If i need something, i don’t run to you because i’ve realized that you are just not those people for me. If i want something, i need to go out and get it on my own. because that’s how you’ve raised me. But you two, you provide your own kind with more than what they need. you get them everything. at you know, sometimes, it’s just not fair!

I’m sorry if i’m not your kid. I’m sorry if they mean more to you. I’m so sorry if i didn’t die or that you didn’t have me aborted when you had the chance to. You should’ve, seriously. i would’ve appreciated the kind gesture.

I guess i just realized how hard it is to be a part of your family. Trying to live up to your expectations and be afraid to disappoint you. because those are one of the things i dread of doing- disappointing you. you think i have to be better than everyone else because you provide me when providance isn’t what i deserve because what? i’m not yours and his.

i didn’t ask for this. so why do you keep making it seem as if it’s my fault? WHY MOM?

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