i had to be in bed early last night.. it was around twelve and my papa made me wrap things up right after pinoy big brother was over. FYI: i stopped watching that show after budoy was kicked off the show.and before that, i never really watched it religiously. i’m just defending myself. haha. anyways, at least i got to add the pictures of me camwhoring at the office with the arm thinggies to my profile. haha. i’m weird. but people some are weirder. i have a fall back.
so anyways, the show was over and all the plugs were unplugged, switches switched off and i was on top of my bed, lying down, close to lifeless trying to find a decent reason to fall asleep. for some reason, church just wasn’t good enough. sometimes, i think i’m turning atheist. but i like to believe that i’m being tested. one night, while i was praying, i just concluded that i didn’t need a reason for me to know that he’s real. sure, mabe Jesus was just a prophet but he did miracles, right? and hey, if someone could die for my sins… i’d worship him, hands down. but about the frequent doubts, i guess it’s just cause nowadays, not much people believe in him and.. i unno, maybe i just don’t wanna look stupid by saying, “i love god.” but the truth is, i DO love God.
I LOVE GOD
i know some people might be laughing at me right now or think that i’m pathetic. i honestly don’t think there’s anything wrong with it though.i mean, i’m not a bad person [or at least i think i’m not] and yeah, i’m happy even though i’m still going through shit. [continuation later…]
moving on…i had a lot of time to think last night [ i call it insomnia] and it’ll make me feel good if i just let it all out. so, here i am, doing just that.
i think i cried for yoiu last night
honestly, i don’t like talking about this cuz it’s far from over. kath thinks i’m desperate and i know pathetic comes along with that so, yeah,. it doesn’t do much for me mentally but.. i can’t stop thinking about it. but anyways, yeah, last night, i started thinking about e***** [let’s not publicize it]. god, i know! it’s been soo many years but i still feel soo bad. i kept having flashbacks of what happened, the first time i saw him, sinulog, that fight, those talks on the phone and all those times i kept remebering him and ended up feeling shitty.
it’s such a stupid fantasy but there was a point in my pathetic life when i came to the conclusion that i wanted to marry him. seee..i’m going crazy. i need a heartbreak.
shit. i feel so lame now. but, i don’t knooow.i just wish i could have another chance at this thing that happened so long ago. i wish that i never met guys after him so he could know that.. i’ve been saving myself.
no. i wish that the internet dies and no one reads this.
i swear, i’m having chest pains agains! mitral valve prolapse. pffft.
sorry, people. i’m not emo on guys. just today, i promise. afterall, our first cuts ARE the deepest.
anyways, aside from thinking of him, i thought about my dad. i miss him. i don’t know why. i’m not ready to make up and be friends and forget everything cuz i unno.. i don’t think i’m ready for it is all.
i know that we will be aiight, eventually. i’m like that.. one day, i’ll just feel shitty and say i’m sorry. maybe i don’t hate him that much when i think about it. maybe, i’m just upset that he doesn’t show that he loves me. maybe… i’m going crazy.. i am. i am. i am.
and then, at church earlier… fuck gyud. fuck. our discussion was about problems. DING DING DING
teacher someone said that problems always bring something greater. “honestly…” i thought at that sentence, “what could i possibly get out of this? a great friendship? like i want that. wait… maybe i do. i don’t know. i don’t know what kind of person he his. i just know that he hurt me too much and i’m crying again.
i don’t know what i want anymore!!!!
anyways, i’m done with this.
i have 3 big piles of clothes in onmy floor that i need to fix but i’ll reconsider.
* i read this blog from a friend of gerlie’s that wrote, “i talk to much”… uhm..
i do too