video killed the radio star

  so i’m on the fence right now. i can’t make out if yesterday was generally a good day or a bad day.

here’s the verdict:

The BAD:
i got a 3.2 on my midterms for biochem
i didn’t get into volleyball
my MVP is coming back and it’s sooo bad
i have PMS

everything just sucks, sucks, sucks

The Notsobad:
i surprised kathya
i hung out with justin the whole evening [this is worth a million points. hahaha.]

so i guess in this moment, i am happy.

i guess kevin WAS right about that thing where you can’t always be generally happy cause something is bound to be fucked up.

i guess i’ll just have to make up for my biochem today and try my chances at soccer and just hope i don’t die from MVP.

ok so right now, i’m kinda frustrated with myself. i guess it’s cuz i realized that my happiness and the way i act is determined by the presence of someone else. like when i’m with someone, i’m tame. i don’t wanna drink, smoke, fuck myself up [not in THAT way] but when it’s just me, it’s like all hell runs loose and i’m just this dumb little girl who gets drunk every other day and i sucks you know cause i wanna be able to fix my life on my own and not have someone else be the reason why i wanna be better and do better. but i guess i’ll just have to try harder next time. hopefully there’s not a next time. haha.

i’m going to james’ house today [NO, NOT FOR HIM!] cuz his sister gave birth and she wants me to go see the baby. i’m so excited to see her, i bet she’s adorable! 😀 i want a baby!! hahaha. well, not now. and i’m not that desperate either. ok, if someone IS going to change my life forever, i don’t want it to be a boy. i want it to be a child. just saying. god, i’m awfully random today.

i think justin isn’t too cool with the fact that i’m going to anna’s though. maybe cuz he thinks james is going to be there but yk, even if he is, i’m not going there for him and sure, we’ll talk but the thing is, i don’t miss him anymore. i don’t wish that we’d ever get back together, i don’t think about us and wish for it all back because i don’t lang gyud. i don’t miss anything about our relationship. sure, i miss the things that you get to do in a relationship but not him and not what we had. i guess all that’s left in me for him is love and respect. love in a sense that i love him because we had something together and it was special but not love in a way like i love you i wanna be with you i wanna have a future with you pa. and respect in a way na i just want him to be happy but not in a martyr way. definitely NOT in that way.

as for me, i want to fall in love. i wanna be the first thought in the morning, the last thought at night. i wanna be that girl who’s guy wants to be with her every waking minute. i wanna feel like i’m flying or i could fly. and i wanna be lucky because i don’t deserve him. not the other way around. i want that. i always have. 🙂

i have to go study now. smell you later.

  oh yeah, i noticed that i like to repeat my letters alot even when you’re not supposed to. and i though i was particular when it came to shit like that. tsss.

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