Maybe it’s the lack of time. Maybe it’s too many mixed emotions. The stress. Tennis. Who knows? Maybe I just don’t want the world to see through me. Maybe I want everyone to believe that I’m strong and that I can just laugh at everything that happens around me. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe I don’t want everyone to know that I’m scared. I know I am, I’m scared of people judging me. I’m scared that they won’t see through the person that I am. Maybe I want them to think that I’m someone I’m not. Maybe, maybe it’s that. Or then again, maybe I’m just saying that for the sake of it. Maybe.
This is the deeper side of me. The side I don’t anyone to see. The mysterious side of Issa. The side that only a few people can experience. The side of me I want the world to know.
On that little thing called love.
All my life [or at least all my teenage life] I’ve always prayed for someone who would swoop me off my feet. Someone who I knew I’d love since I first laid eyes on him. Someone who will be everything I ever wanted and dreamed of and soo much more. Someone who would accept my past, not try to change my present and be with me in the future. But most importantly a companion whom I’d love forever. I’ve made a few misconceptions once or twice in my life but I’m over that… hey, you don’t see me tripping! When it comes to love I try my best not make a big fuss out of things because the way I see it, if it didn’t work out the first time it won’t ever work out… even though they say that love is sweeter the second time around.
Every guy wants all us girls to believe that they will love us and they won’t hurt us and that they can protect us. But in reality, we know that they will love us, but not enough and most certainly not forever. Not enough to raise a family in the future, to put food on the table and to send the kids off to college. They won’t love us until forever … they just want us to believe that they can. They always say the same thing “I promise not to hurt you” but they always do. They keep making the same promise, not to hurt us but the real promise is not to hurt us but to be with us after all the pain. All us girls want to believe that they’re not your everyday girls that they’re different. Believe me, I’m a victim. Every girl wants to believe in something but In reality, we’re all the same … we keep on believing on the same thing, that we’re different. And with me, I don’t know what kind of girl I am, but I know what I want and that’s enough to last me a lifetime.
If you think that I’m afraid to fall in love, then you’re wrong. I’m not afraid of falling in love; it’s giving my heart away to the wrong person that scares me [there’s a difference]. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in my life and one of the most real ones yet, is that we shouldn’t let something that happened in the past ruin the chances of us being happy in the future. But happiness is sometimes temporary, I need someone who can stand through the rain with me and then enjoy the rainbow. If I could just have everything, that would be great.
I’m not in love, and I will not fall in love. And if I am and if I will, and that someone is to, then he’ll have to wait till I’m ready to grow deeper. I’ve made my mind up I’ve still got a long time to grow up and to face the responsibilities of being in a relationship. I’m living in the moment, while I’m keeping my heart open while I still have time to.
If you love me like you say you do. Then you’ll understand me if I’d say that I can’t love you the way you want me to and that my heart’s beating for someone else. You’d understand me when I say that we can’t be together and that I’m sorry if I hurt you. You’d understand me when I say that you’re not my prince charming. You’re not that someone that I wanted and more. You’d understand that I have to do this, not because I want to.
You’d understand me when I say that … if I don’t want to see you hurt … I’m just closing my eyes.