Btw, i got caught smoking this week and it was the most embarrassing thing ever. i mean, i always knew it was wrong. i always knew that it would go against what they’ve told me not to do but for them to be disappointed was just a whole other story.
i always knew that they put me on a pedastole [why can’t i spell this word?!] and i always thought that somehow, in some ways it had to do with the fact that i’m not their “real” daughter. that somehow, i had to do better because i had to prove that i belonged to be a part of this family- that they didn’t make a mistake by not leaving me with my dead beat dad. and for them to say that i disappointed them, i was kinda shocked and hurt. i mean, they have their points but, i AM a good daughter and i do everything for them but i guess smoking was just something i did for myself. It was something that i did for me because i’m practically killing myself with nursing which they literally demanded me to do. and despite knowing that with my heart condition and blah blah blah, i still smoked because it was MY escape from everything. when i didn’t want to talk about it, when i didn’t want to think about it, when i didn’t want to think about anything. it was something i did because i wanted to rebel. And i guess i wanted to rebel because it made me feel alive when most of the time i felt dead. i know, it’s lame. it really is but that’s just how i function. I’m better off not sucking on suicide sticks anyways. i’ve always known that.
Point is, because i don’t want to disappoint them, so i won’t smoke. even if it’s been killing me and if i have this cough that i get when i try NOT to smoke. and even if i’ve been depressed and withdrawing myself from everyone and everything. and it’s only been 4 days. you can kill me if you want. they smoke in hell, right?