A Few Tears for Tonight

     I miss
being able to blog on nights like this when I’m stuck at home without James and
the internet’s fast, my speakers are blasting and there’s no school on the next
day. I think I’ve had a little too much time on my own because I feel bad now.
I have PMS, I’m at my peak, I am WEAK.

     My
seventeen magazine warned my about this. [which is NOWHERE in sight! I’ve been
having this problem lately. I’m not in sync.] I’m at the peak so I should hold
off making any decisions because there’s something going on in my head and I’m
basically not capable of making decisions right now. So I guess I won’t. And I
won’t break. I’m trying to keep it all together.

     I hope
we’re doing it right. But I know I’m just scared for way too many reasons and
their all about you.

     Does that
scare you more than it’s scaring me?

     I need a
little reassurance.

     I’m
allergic to change, you betcha.

     I can’t
help but be like this, PMS or no PMS. Ever since we got back from sem break
things have been different. James is really busy with school now but it’s like
that, I totally understand, there’s nothing I can do about that. School first,
right? But like, its things like this that make me realize that nothing in this
world is constant. We all have to change, adjust and move on. His schedule
changed, he’s busier now, college is harder, he needs all the help and support
he could get and that’s what I’m going to do for him. And even if I’m feeling
really insecure and needy right now, I can’t find it in me to tell him. I don’t
want to pressure him more than he already is. I don’t want to be more of a
burden than I already am.

     I guess
this just takes a little more “getting used to.” Like last Tuesday, I had
training for tennis and usually James is always there when I play and I guess I
was back to that feeling where everything distracted me because I was wishing
he would show up. I wish he’d show up as a dog, as leaf, a ball, a squatter,
anything as long as it was him because I missed him but he didn’t cuz he had
school stuff to do and by the time that he could catch up, I was done and too
depressed to see him. So I didn’t.

    idk, it just made me feel like starting now, he just won’t have any time for me anymore. and that scares me. and i know i’m not supposed to push him away, i’m supposed to grab on a little tighter and pull him a little closer but i guess i suck at that. i guess i’m too affected because i’ve been pushing him away. it just sucks because i don’t want to demand for his time but when he tries to make up for it, i’m the one who doesn’t want it. i’m sorry. i’m a wreck. you can leave me now. 🙁

    This
Friday’ll be the second consecutive Friday where I don’t get to hang out with
him. Honestly, I always knew that one day our Friday nights will no longer
exist and all we’ll have left are “remember before where you used to come over
every Friday and we’d watch movies?” Nothing lasts forever, right? But god, I
wasn’t expecting it to happen SO SOON!!

    Well, it’s
just this Friday cuz Mike’s turning 20 something and he’s celebrating with his
uncle and family so yeah, I get that. But the way he said it was so heart
breaking like it wasn’t a big deal but god, it is a big deal to me because
today it’s “there’s something happening” and next time it’s going to be, “I’m
too busy” or “I have something important tomorrow” or “I’m too tired” and
there’ll be no one to blame and nothing we can do about it. It’ll just be me,
alone on Friday nights and that scares me. Call me selfish but I want his time.
I’d take all of it if I could. But that’s never going to be possible.

    It’s taken
me about an hour to write all of this down and within this hour, I’ve been
keeping my tears in and I’m choking right now but I don’t want to cry because
if I do, I’d feel extremely demanding and needy. If I cried I’d feel more
insecure, I’d feel ungrateful, unhappy [but I’m not. I’m really not.]. If I
cried, I’d feel like I’m not understanding enough- I’d feel selfish. L

    Am I really
this emotionally unstable ALL THE TIME?

    Don’t cry.
Please don’t cry. Just don’t. god.

     Thanks a
lot, Issa. Why’d you have to go and cry like that? That’s not going to get you
anything. That’s not going to change anything. The world doesn’t share your
pain, it doesn’t share you happiness, it’s just there. So stop it already.

    God, I wish
you made me not care. I wish nothing could hurt me. I wish I didn’t cry so easy
but you’ve made me so fragile since he came along. He’s been able to make tears
roll down my eyes without my eyes even watering up. And you make me miss him
only minutes after I’m not with him. You make me strong and unafraid when I’m
with him and weak and strong the second I’m not. How could one boy do all these
things to me? And how could you just manage to sit there and leave me so –
helpless?

    And sadly,
there’s no other output for all this sweet torment but him. 🙁

    Most of my
life I’ve said that I’m not afraid of change, I’ve said that it’s natural, it
happens. But god, why can’t I face it now? Now when I’m supposed to be able to
face it enough?

    Ambot. I
feel so stupid right now. I’m not supposed to be whining. I’m supposed to be
helping him get through this. I’m supposed to reassure him that he’s going to
be alright, that he’s going to get through it. I’m not supposed to be pushing
him away; I’m supposed to be supporting him. But I can’t right now. I’m still
too consumed in my own petty little fears and insecurities.

    I pretty
much suck.

    I don’t
want to see him, honestly. I guess I’m too scared to get attached or I’m just
not into it or I’m just too scared.

    I knew it,
today’s a sad Thursday. It’s a sad Thursday, indeed.

    I’m going
to cry this off.

I’m just really sorry.