STUPID YOU

my grades decreased. i’m not in trouble for it though but still, i feel like i let myself down. but then again, all the shit in my life did happen during the second quarter.

i’m at ultima. neneng is beside me. yes, the ***** decided to come back. she keeps looking at my window to see pictures that’re pasted on my screen. casey’s just being extremely annoying. these people’re on to me. it’s making me paranoid.

i had training the whole day. i was going to train from 1 – 5 but then i didn’t want to see james because seeing him for an hour would just upset me more. i just get him for an hour over the 3-4 hours that i usually get with him makes me feel really robbed. i know i should be appreciative of the effort but i guess i’m not as contented as i thought i used to be. hoo hum.

so i left at 4, walked to ayala [tearing up, btw], bought myself a new grip and went home.

then james got to the house. he insisted.but it wasn’t fun. it didn’t make me happy.

he left like 15 minutes later. i cried the minute after that. and for the one millionth time today, i’m welling up again and if i don’t snap out of it, there’s going to be an issa puddle in front of my maid and brother and sister. i have to get a grip.

it was so hard to pretend to be interested in whatever james had to say or was actually saying when he was there. i was passive and lost in my own trail of thought. but most of all, i was dying to just jump into him arms and kiss him. and beg him to stay. i wanted to just cry for no good reason because i miss him so much. but i couldn’t. i guess i’m not going to have the chance to do that. and that’s the worst part about my day. being with him and not being able to smile because i couldn’t. because i was too scared, too sad, too selfish, too freakin insecure.

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