Maybe it’s just me but perhaps the whole world knows exactly when to pick on me. It’s kinda like the Mother Nature feeds on my vulnerability and as if the present situation isn’t a lot for me to handle already, it just gets worse.
At around 3 ‘o clock today, I had experienced my 2nd anxiety attack after 5 years all because of bad timing (but I like to think it’s a lot more than just that.) You see, of all the times, of all the days and of all the topics we could’ve discussed, today was the day that we ventured into the mystery of everything that has damned our entire family- the almighty stroke.
I knew prior to the class that that was the topic. Yes, I considered skipping the class. Yes, I knew the chances of me breaking down. And yes, I knew for a fact that throughout the entire 5 hours of classroom discussion the only thing I would be able to think about was him and how while I’m learning about what it does to the body [which I already knew] and how to intervene certain nursing actions, all I really wanted to do was be with him and talk to him, hug him and tell him how much I love him and how much I love him more because now I get to take care of him.
I didn’t even last 30 minutes in there. It got to a point where I couldn’t write properly from the shaking and I couldn’t even think or see anything. I got light headed. I even felt kinda numb. In that instance, I even felt something in common with my Lolo because my left side started to feel a little numb. My exact thoughts were, “maybe if I get a stroke, Lolo will get better. I want this.” My voice choked and then I stumbled to hide in the bathroom away from the 80 something classmates who would never really completely understand.
And even though I was standing in a cubicle with an unflushed toilet crying up to my knees, I was kinda happy all that shit was happening to me. You see, I believe that at the end of a really bad day something good that will happen that will overshadow the bad things.
And whether or not something good actually happened, I learned something important from my papa today. Life is only as good as you let it be. It’s how you take the situation and use it to your advantage.
My Lolo held my hand, reached out for it and kept his eyes open for longer than he usually does. That was the best feeling in the world. To have something you didn’t expect happen and that gives me hope…