i hate fucking october!

god, i don’t get it anymore. i seriously don’t get it anymore.

stupid thoughts for the night?

why didn’t i smoke that cigarette?

why didn’t i drink from that bottle?

tonight was completely worthless. it’s 1 am, i just got home. i’ve had the worst night ever.
and i went through all that shit completely CLEAN?! fuck that!
no, i’ve got a lot of second hand smoke in my system. i still have a shot.

but enough of the sarcastic humor that only I can appreciate.

it just really hurts right now and acting like this is probably the only way i can make my feel better.
but i’m not working because i’m stil crying anyways.

october, i hate you!

god, i hate what we’ve become and it’s starting to make me think that maybe i’m not cut out for this.
there’s too much bitch in me to love another person. to be perfect for him, to make him want to be with me [if possible, forever],
maybe i’m just too bad at living to actually make something work. i basically suck at life. someone should’ve made a manual
and sent it to me. i need that.

that’s what i want for my birthday.

i’m soo ignorant.

he doesn’t deserve me.

he doesn’t deserve someone who’s a bitch

he doesn’t deserve a dumb girl

he doesn’t deserve someone who walks out on him

or someone who wants to be with him all the time.

he doesn’t deserve someone soo needy like me.

he doesn’t deserve someone who’s screwed up soo many times before and can never seem to make things right.

and i,

yes, i’m beating myself up

i simply do not deserve him.

maybe i’m too wrong to ever be right.

i need someone right now. again.

i don’t think i’m gonna be able ti nake it, not tonight. it just hurts like fucking hell.