today i realized how truly scared i am to get into a relationship again.
i realized that i’m scared most of all of the letting go part.
i’m scared to let to go all my pretensions.
i’m scared to move on.
i’m just so scared.
but i know that my life won’t really start until i stop being afraid.
and the weird thing is, i never really realized how scared i actually was until today.
today i decided that the next time i get a boyfriend i’m going to love him the same or if not, more than i loved james. i shouldn’t be telling myself that i won’t be able to love anyone the same way i loved james because why should i let a guy like him ruin the chances of me being able to make someone happy, right? especially if that someone is way much better than james ever was. i don’t want to have to base all my relationships on this one because james was never really worth it, honestly. i just kept telling myself that he was because i needed a reason to hold on.
i don’t wanna be this person anymore. i don’t wanna be the girl who looks for alcohol and cigarettes when her whole world is falling in on her. i don’t wanna be that girl who feels the urge to get the next ticket out of town when she feels like she can’t take it anymore. i don’t wanna be this lost little girl anymore but if i had to find myself, where would i start?
all i know is i wanna be found again – if i ever was. i wanna feel like i’m wanted, i wana have a place in this shit hole.i’m so tired of feeling like a fish out of water. tired of feeling like everyone’s last option. i’m tired of not being a part of things. i’ll be blunt though. because i have to.
where is everybody? where are my friends? do i even have any?
where are you?